Flashback -2004

Written by me, on the 20th of April.

Love is like a drug;
you can't control it, you can't quit.
It makes you think differently and sometimes makes you a new person.
It controls your actions; under it's spell,
you'd do things you wouldn't expect.

Love makes you jealous, depressed and very hopeful,
though it will almost certainly break your heart.
When you look back at what you did,
you feel stupid.

Love is like a drug;
it's bad for you.

good news

so, i have been accepted into my first preference for Uni - Deakin Burwood :)
I'm so excited!
i can't wait to learn all about psychology and be on my way to help people just like me!
Clinical Psychologist. Sounds sooooo good right now.

I've been at Reach camp for a couple of days (visit The Reach Website) and I've been so inspired.
I shared my story about last year, and realised I never really voiced my pride about it.
Hell with it, I got an AMAZING score!
And i battled depression, anxiety, began and OVERCAME bulimia and binge eating, defended myself against starving during exams and lost my grandma over in Egypt.

Everybody, I am PROUD!

mediocrity

i've always had a problem with fitting in.
i was always different, but for the wrong reasons.
i was never noticed.
so i decided to be different in a different way.

i didn't want to be mediocre, normal, blending in.
i hated being overlooked.
i was just your average teen with an average body weight.
i wasn't happy being average.

and you know what? at my lowest weight, i was never underweight, just on the brink.
i wanted so badly to be underweight, because then i would have been different from all my friends.
people still noticed me when i was skinny though.
it pleased me when people would comment on it.
i was finally being noticed for something.
guys were interested in me.
i had so much fun being skinny.
it was definitely the best year of my life.

and now i'm back to mediocre.

the difference is now i'm stronger.
i'm fighting this.

aand its gone..

i can't fucking eat anymore.
i'm too fucking fat.

at least.. thats what she tells me...
wow, i'm tracking myself. this is a good sign.
here we go.

Me: it'll be okay if i eat some chocolate and some of these fatty cracker things. im way below the normal amount of food anyway, i couldnt have gone above 1000 calories today.
Her: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??????
Me: i'm enjoying this chocolate. it's yum. you didnt let me enjoy chocolate at christmas time.
Her: because your FAT, and nothings changed! you've already gone over the limit today!!
Me: it's okay, everyone has off days.
Her: you can't afford to have off days, you FUCKING idiot, your birthday is in two weeks!
Me: i've lost a kilo already!
Her: one measly kilo, you're not even at your starting weight in year 9 yet. you're fucking fat. on your 18th everyones going to think your a fat cow compared to your 16th. and you wont want to look at the photos, just like after valedictory. you fucking whale.

Me: ...*stumped*.....

Her: good. you're not losing this fast enough, you've got to be at LEAST 52 kilos by your birthday weekend. no more eating.
Me: you're right, it's the only way. breakfast though, it'll keep my metabolism up.
Her: *sigh* you're right i guess. ONE weetbix. your limit is now 100 calories a day.
Me: i can take this. i will be skinny.
Her: yes you can! let's do this, let's get you gorgeous.

...
Me: what will I do about tonight?
Her: just stay up until you get hungry, then you can go to bed. that's the best we can do right now.
Me: ok. starting tomorrow, i'll be strong.



... i can't stop listening.

inspired

First off, thanks for the comments i received on my last post, i'm very grateful to have you guys behind me whatever happens. that's one of the reasons i love blogging, it's like a community where we share thoughts and feelings and also encouragement and comfort. thank you.

after i wrote that post last night, i had a good long think about what i really want.
i know i want to be happy, but what will it take?
i thought back to the books i'd been reading recently.
The Dark Heavens by Kyle Chan -a great series about a martial arts taoist God... i love these books, they inspire me so much to think about my life and things I face every day. And they inspire recovery every time I read them.
i also picked up some meditation books i got from the library earlier that day and had a read.
with all this fantasy and 'deeper self' stuff stuck in my head, i've put some NON weight related goals into my head to fulfill one of my 2010 resolutions- Nurture my body, mind and soul.

• Learn to meditate. Very useful skill for relaxation and self-discovery.
• Learn Tai Chi, for a similar reason, and also coz I think it would be awesome :)
• Build up my cardio stamina. I'm reasonably unfit, my body deserves better than to feel sluggish all the time.
• Get muscle - i want a strong body that can handle anything life throws at it!
• Feed my need for knowledge.. read, listen, do, learn.
• Feed my passions -practice guitar more, learn that anime song on piano again, draw, write.
• Nourish my body with healthy foods in moderation.

I really, honestly want to give my body what it deserves, strength, health and stability. My main drawback is that I'm really impatient. This stuff doesn't come overnight.. i need to remember that. Maybe i'll keep coming back to this blog.

I'm a bit apprehensive about the exercise part, because of how obsessed I can get... but for my body to build muscle and strength I need to feed it right, and I think that will help me get healthy, mind-wise. Starvation doesn't lead to health, I know that. 

I think, all this will make me feel good about my body, in the end. I want to be proud of how healthy, beautiful and strong it is. I want to love me for good reasons. I want to enjoy life.

I want this.

losing it

whenever i'm lost in the moment of rush it's hard for me to identify my emotions.
i don't pay attention to myself much.
but now that i'm alone and left to think, i've recognised that i'm really unhappy.

i'm still depressed.

i'm taking Lovan at the moment. it's Fluoxetine, like Prozac, and its freaking not working!!
last year i was feeling great on it, but things just went downhill.

i'm sick of feeling so shit about life.
about my stupid body.
about my boyfriend.
ugh.

i just want to feel happy about stuff!
i want to have aims and goals that dont have to do with weight
i want to feel secure with myself around other people
i'm sick of hiding within myself.
i'm miserable.

i don't feel like seeing anybody.

i feel like no one wants to be with me, but i guess i dont blame them.
i'm shit to be around.
but still, it'd be nice to have some friends who like my company.

fuck everybody.

2010 resolutions

1. Take opportunities for growth and happiness.
2. Nurture my body, mind and soul.
3. Spend quality time with those I love and miss.
4. Gain knowledge and skills.
5. Save money.
6. See some of the world.

I like them, do you?

Reflections on 2009

It's that time of year, where I hop on to myspace to share my life with anyone who gives a fuck. And to tell you the truth, I don't think that includes many at all.

Myspace is shit, but it's my tradition. Facebook is too open, too much family to write an intimate blog post. So now, I will continue this tradition here on this blog, in an unedited version for all except my family and friends to see.

Before I start, here are my previous reflections on Myspace.
2006 (1)

2006

2007

2008
So, here I go.

School - Ah, year 12. Best year ever. Not. This year was intense. We lived in the common room, bitching over the stereo with the other group next to us, and bitching about everyone within our own friendship group. Yes, we girls looove to bitch. It's not surprising though- with all the shit going on it was hard to keep my mouth shut. Highlights of school this year include: My panic attack 5 minutes before my English SAC (because I found out I had to eat that day), the awesome drugged up parties, being left out of stuff a lot, leaning over the toilet bowl and sticking my fingers down my throat, and feeling like a fucking dumb shit. Surprisingly, I came out of the rubble that was year 12 with an ENTER of 90.45. I don't know how I did it, so don't ask. I'm just glad it's over.

Friends - Fuck friends. I was actually going to stop there, but I have more to add on the subject. Yeah, sure, friends are okay. But they aren't there forever. At least not for me. I haven't got best friends anymore, I just don't trust anyone enough. I like the company of certain people, but I find its best not to get too close, because I'll just get hurt, like the billions of times this year. Thanks guys (particularly girls), for ditching me in favour of ecstasy, marijuana and everything that is a lot more fun than me.

Love - Once again, not much to say, except that it's not as simple as I thought it would be. Love is complicated. And when it hurts you, it hurts bad. Another surprise (a lot of surprises in 09) is that the boy is still with me. We already had our first fight of 2010, so I don't think it's going to be for much longer. I don't know what I'll do when he's gone.

Home - Mmm, home. This year was troublesome, what with year 12 going on and all. Mum once again became my worst enemy. And so did my mind. I began to diet and had a semester-long fling with Bulimia, which I'm not proud of and I've pushed that out of my life, for now. Unfortunately, a few anti-depressants and a shrink can't fix everything, and I battled depression and anxiety throughout the year, causing me to be unable to focus on school. It drove my parents insane. All I can say to them is, thanks for putting up with me, no one else would have.

Future - Thanks to my miraculously high ENTER score, I can hopefully achieve my goal of becoming a psychologist. Yeah, shut up, I know it's ironic. But I want to ensure that no child or teenager EVER has to go through what I have for the past two years. I'm extremely pumped to start my six year course at Uni to become a Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychologist, I believe it will be a beginning to an amazing journey of self discovery and knowledge of all things mental.

Not my best piece of writing, but I had 4 hours of sleep last night and I'm not feeling my best. Here's to hoping that 2010 will be at least a better year than 2009.

Love to all.