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i have the feeling my body is trying to block out the pain im feeling.

im feeling blank all the time.

i saw the boy yesterday and it was like scratching at an open wound.
and then two seconds later i was fine.

im so messed up.

graphics

you may have noticed my new header :)
i'm occupying myself at the moment by practising graphics on Photoshop, and i finally have the transparency thing mastered!

ohhh i am a genious :)
this may be a new hobby of mine.

its all thanks to my brother..
he got me onto this mafia website he goes on, and theres some expert graphics artists on there that get payed game money to make this sort of stuff.

so now im practising :) and loving it!

struggle

i'm struggling, a lot.
i havent written anything in my diary, i've been afraid to fall asleep, my room looks like a war zone and im anxious any time im by myself.

he told me we shouldnt talk, so he can get over me and it will be for the best.
but i miss him.
i cant stand it.

without the blanket

so, my safety blanket is gone.
my boyfriend and i have.. well, as kate lunacy said, gone on 'hiatus'.
we had a massive discussion.... and, well, i dont think i've ever felt so much pain before.

my heart LITERALLY felt like it was being ripped apart.
and i couldnt breathe.

the next night, we had our.. 'last night for while'. as i like to call it.
it was like on of those scenes in a movie where one of the characters go overseas.
music, candles, my new silky nightie (he really likes me wearing nighties), hugging, crying.....
fuck. it was intense.
my eyes were so sore from crying.

took a few days to recover from all the crying actually.

and now i'm numb, and lost.
we're still seeing each other, hanging out... occasionally kissing...
i just dont know what to do in this.
ive never been apart from him.

all the stuff i felt like he was holding me back from...
i just dont want to do anything anymore.
i just want to be with him.

....

however, an extremely good thing has come out of this.
the night we 'broke up', i threw out my blades. all 10 of them, or however many i was keeping just in case this day ever came.
but no, i just threw them away.
the last thing i feel like doing is cutting.
its kind of brilliant.

after holding onto this other safety blanket, my blades, for so long, i've finally let go of them.

i'm extremely proud .

bye for now.

safety

thank you for all your comments... it feels good to have support.

i'm still feeling really low, not about ED but about everything else.

it sucks, that this blog has become so much about my ED.

because theres so much more going on.

i'm on the brink of a break up which i need to initiate.

me and boy have been together over 3 years, but i feel like i cant be myself around him. he wants me to stop everything, stop being self conscious, stop getting drunk at parties (come on, everyone does! this weekend was the first time ive been destructive with alcohol), stop hanging with my guy friends... hes holding me back. and i cant make him happy anymore. hes always upset because i always do something 'wrong'.

i feel really confused and scared and guilty about all this, but it needs to be done.

this is so HUGE for me to do... because i wont have protection from him anymore.

and im risking everything. half of me wants to stay and half of me has had enough of the boy i love so much. :(

yesterday i decided i didnt want to be home by myself, or around my family by myself, so i went to the gym to release some endorphins... it worked a bit, thank god. and i set to work finding people to see me for the next week, every day. haha.

as of now, three lovely girls are sleeping in my bed.

they dont know how much they saved me last night.

they dont know im writing this, becuase theyre half asleep.

they dont know whats going on in my head.

but they saved me.

ill be okay for now, ive got another friend picking me up in a couple of hours :)

love you all

x

?

i'm at a bigger dead end than i was last time i took a break from blogging.

i've been drunk for the past 2 days.

i'm fucked.
fuck.

i'm lost.

and i'm really, really scared.