coping

I have never been too good with coping in the right way.
my mentor at Reach once asked me how i cope with stress... i thought about for a minute, and then i said 'I don't.'

I really don't know how to cope.
And right now, in the midst of my breakup, it's really showing.

Here are some coping mechanisms I have been using:

• Stealing - I've stolen quite a bit from various stores to compensate for lack of money... and the feeling of the rush, and 'hell, i can do whatever i want'
• Losing weight - yeah i haven't been eating much, but not really on purpose... just because i've been feeling so shit
• Drugs - in the absence of alcohol, i smoked a joint because I felt like it
• Alcohol - that's a massive one for me. most of the time I'm looking forward to the weekend because I just want to get absolutely fucked off my face
• Hook ups - kissing a lot of different people is really fun and awesome :D

it makes me feel so good at the time... but when i think about all this shit later... i feel so bad about myself.

The worst thing is, the last thing on the list has backfired.

All the other things don't directly affect anyone... but I became involved with one of the guys I hooked up with... and, i feel so bad, because he's so innocent and i know i'm just using him to cope... not because i really want him :(

i've fucked up so bad.

im sposed to stay at his house on sunday, but i explained everything to him and i've decided im gonna go home after the party instead of going to his. i'm such a horrible person for this, now i'm going to fix it.

i have to cope on my own.

at least i havent had the urge to self-harm... thats a definite upside.