fresh start... again.

Would appreciate if you guys would follow my new blog.
I'm keeping it anonymous now so I dont want to promote it.

http://www.onegirlathousandwords.wordpress.com/

Thanks.

MOVED MY BLOG:

I am now at www.methroughtheglass.wordpress.com

please follow me,

peace out.

x

sick

moved to www.methroughtheglass.wordpress.com 

wow.
i only just realised how shit i feel right now.
every time i come to that realisation, it seems to be even worse.
ive hit rock bottom so many times, im wondering how deep this hole can get.

i tried to cut the other night.
i threw up intentionally because i felt bad for this guy ive been screwing around.
i went to buy razors. thankfully, there were none at safeway.

ive been taking diet pills, even though ive hardly been eating.
im happy with the way the weight is dropping off.
i try to avoid food.
i know EXACTLY what im doing to myself, and i cant stop.

i'm fucked. i fucking need to see my psych right now, see if she thinks i can up my dose of Lovan.
i cant take life right now.

i feel sick.

coping

I have never been too good with coping in the right way.
my mentor at Reach once asked me how i cope with stress... i thought about for a minute, and then i said 'I don't.'

I really don't know how to cope.
And right now, in the midst of my breakup, it's really showing.

Here are some coping mechanisms I have been using:

• Stealing - I've stolen quite a bit from various stores to compensate for lack of money... and the feeling of the rush, and 'hell, i can do whatever i want'
• Losing weight - yeah i haven't been eating much, but not really on purpose... just because i've been feeling so shit
• Drugs - in the absence of alcohol, i smoked a joint because I felt like it
• Alcohol - that's a massive one for me. most of the time I'm looking forward to the weekend because I just want to get absolutely fucked off my face
• Hook ups - kissing a lot of different people is really fun and awesome :D

it makes me feel so good at the time... but when i think about all this shit later... i feel so bad about myself.

The worst thing is, the last thing on the list has backfired.

All the other things don't directly affect anyone... but I became involved with one of the guys I hooked up with... and, i feel so bad, because he's so innocent and i know i'm just using him to cope... not because i really want him :(

i've fucked up so bad.

im sposed to stay at his house on sunday, but i explained everything to him and i've decided im gonna go home after the party instead of going to his. i'm such a horrible person for this, now i'm going to fix it.

i have to cope on my own.

at least i havent had the urge to self-harm... thats a definite upside.

hiding

so, wow. what a weekend.

SOUNDWAVE. i threw myself into a circle pit and got kicked in the head.
moshed a lot, crowd surfed, smoked some weed and got my heart ripped out of my chest.

he hates my guys, totally hates me.

and as a reaction.
SATURDAY. got so drunk that i kissed like, five people at once. a lot. and, wow.
i screwed over a really decent guy, and screwed myself over too.
oh, and i didnt think there was any of my dignity left, but turns out there was, because i lost more of it.

i am totally, totally lost.
i'm hiding beneath this wild crazy side, whereas im actually hurting a lot.
i NEED to feel closeness. i NEED love from people.

i'm saying it loud, i need you.

jgzkjf.kgr

i have the feeling my body is trying to block out the pain im feeling.

im feeling blank all the time.

i saw the boy yesterday and it was like scratching at an open wound.
and then two seconds later i was fine.

im so messed up.

graphics

you may have noticed my new header :)
i'm occupying myself at the moment by practising graphics on Photoshop, and i finally have the transparency thing mastered!

ohhh i am a genious :)
this may be a new hobby of mine.

its all thanks to my brother..
he got me onto this mafia website he goes on, and theres some expert graphics artists on there that get payed game money to make this sort of stuff.

so now im practising :) and loving it!

struggle

i'm struggling, a lot.
i havent written anything in my diary, i've been afraid to fall asleep, my room looks like a war zone and im anxious any time im by myself.

he told me we shouldnt talk, so he can get over me and it will be for the best.
but i miss him.
i cant stand it.

without the blanket

so, my safety blanket is gone.
my boyfriend and i have.. well, as kate lunacy said, gone on 'hiatus'.
we had a massive discussion.... and, well, i dont think i've ever felt so much pain before.

my heart LITERALLY felt like it was being ripped apart.
and i couldnt breathe.

the next night, we had our.. 'last night for while'. as i like to call it.
it was like on of those scenes in a movie where one of the characters go overseas.
music, candles, my new silky nightie (he really likes me wearing nighties), hugging, crying.....
fuck. it was intense.
my eyes were so sore from crying.

took a few days to recover from all the crying actually.

and now i'm numb, and lost.
we're still seeing each other, hanging out... occasionally kissing...
i just dont know what to do in this.
ive never been apart from him.

all the stuff i felt like he was holding me back from...
i just dont want to do anything anymore.
i just want to be with him.

....

however, an extremely good thing has come out of this.
the night we 'broke up', i threw out my blades. all 10 of them, or however many i was keeping just in case this day ever came.
but no, i just threw them away.
the last thing i feel like doing is cutting.
its kind of brilliant.

after holding onto this other safety blanket, my blades, for so long, i've finally let go of them.

i'm extremely proud .

bye for now.

safety

thank you for all your comments... it feels good to have support.

i'm still feeling really low, not about ED but about everything else.

it sucks, that this blog has become so much about my ED.

because theres so much more going on.

i'm on the brink of a break up which i need to initiate.

me and boy have been together over 3 years, but i feel like i cant be myself around him. he wants me to stop everything, stop being self conscious, stop getting drunk at parties (come on, everyone does! this weekend was the first time ive been destructive with alcohol), stop hanging with my guy friends... hes holding me back. and i cant make him happy anymore. hes always upset because i always do something 'wrong'.

i feel really confused and scared and guilty about all this, but it needs to be done.

this is so HUGE for me to do... because i wont have protection from him anymore.

and im risking everything. half of me wants to stay and half of me has had enough of the boy i love so much. :(

yesterday i decided i didnt want to be home by myself, or around my family by myself, so i went to the gym to release some endorphins... it worked a bit, thank god. and i set to work finding people to see me for the next week, every day. haha.

as of now, three lovely girls are sleeping in my bed.

they dont know how much they saved me last night.

they dont know im writing this, becuase theyre half asleep.

they dont know whats going on in my head.

but they saved me.

ill be okay for now, ive got another friend picking me up in a couple of hours :)

love you all

x

?

i'm at a bigger dead end than i was last time i took a break from blogging.

i've been drunk for the past 2 days.

i'm fucked.
fuck.

i'm lost.

and i'm really, really scared.

Flashback -2004

Written by me, on the 20th of April.

Love is like a drug;
you can't control it, you can't quit.
It makes you think differently and sometimes makes you a new person.
It controls your actions; under it's spell,
you'd do things you wouldn't expect.

Love makes you jealous, depressed and very hopeful,
though it will almost certainly break your heart.
When you look back at what you did,
you feel stupid.

Love is like a drug;
it's bad for you.

good news

so, i have been accepted into my first preference for Uni - Deakin Burwood :)
I'm so excited!
i can't wait to learn all about psychology and be on my way to help people just like me!
Clinical Psychologist. Sounds sooooo good right now.

I've been at Reach camp for a couple of days (visit The Reach Website) and I've been so inspired.
I shared my story about last year, and realised I never really voiced my pride about it.
Hell with it, I got an AMAZING score!
And i battled depression, anxiety, began and OVERCAME bulimia and binge eating, defended myself against starving during exams and lost my grandma over in Egypt.

Everybody, I am PROUD!

mediocrity

i've always had a problem with fitting in.
i was always different, but for the wrong reasons.
i was never noticed.
so i decided to be different in a different way.

i didn't want to be mediocre, normal, blending in.
i hated being overlooked.
i was just your average teen with an average body weight.
i wasn't happy being average.

and you know what? at my lowest weight, i was never underweight, just on the brink.
i wanted so badly to be underweight, because then i would have been different from all my friends.
people still noticed me when i was skinny though.
it pleased me when people would comment on it.
i was finally being noticed for something.
guys were interested in me.
i had so much fun being skinny.
it was definitely the best year of my life.

and now i'm back to mediocre.

the difference is now i'm stronger.
i'm fighting this.

aand its gone..

i can't fucking eat anymore.
i'm too fucking fat.

at least.. thats what she tells me...
wow, i'm tracking myself. this is a good sign.
here we go.

Me: it'll be okay if i eat some chocolate and some of these fatty cracker things. im way below the normal amount of food anyway, i couldnt have gone above 1000 calories today.
Her: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??????
Me: i'm enjoying this chocolate. it's yum. you didnt let me enjoy chocolate at christmas time.
Her: because your FAT, and nothings changed! you've already gone over the limit today!!
Me: it's okay, everyone has off days.
Her: you can't afford to have off days, you FUCKING idiot, your birthday is in two weeks!
Me: i've lost a kilo already!
Her: one measly kilo, you're not even at your starting weight in year 9 yet. you're fucking fat. on your 18th everyones going to think your a fat cow compared to your 16th. and you wont want to look at the photos, just like after valedictory. you fucking whale.

Me: ...*stumped*.....

Her: good. you're not losing this fast enough, you've got to be at LEAST 52 kilos by your birthday weekend. no more eating.
Me: you're right, it's the only way. breakfast though, it'll keep my metabolism up.
Her: *sigh* you're right i guess. ONE weetbix. your limit is now 100 calories a day.
Me: i can take this. i will be skinny.
Her: yes you can! let's do this, let's get you gorgeous.

...
Me: what will I do about tonight?
Her: just stay up until you get hungry, then you can go to bed. that's the best we can do right now.
Me: ok. starting tomorrow, i'll be strong.



... i can't stop listening.

inspired

First off, thanks for the comments i received on my last post, i'm very grateful to have you guys behind me whatever happens. that's one of the reasons i love blogging, it's like a community where we share thoughts and feelings and also encouragement and comfort. thank you.

after i wrote that post last night, i had a good long think about what i really want.
i know i want to be happy, but what will it take?
i thought back to the books i'd been reading recently.
The Dark Heavens by Kyle Chan -a great series about a martial arts taoist God... i love these books, they inspire me so much to think about my life and things I face every day. And they inspire recovery every time I read them.
i also picked up some meditation books i got from the library earlier that day and had a read.
with all this fantasy and 'deeper self' stuff stuck in my head, i've put some NON weight related goals into my head to fulfill one of my 2010 resolutions- Nurture my body, mind and soul.

• Learn to meditate. Very useful skill for relaxation and self-discovery.
• Learn Tai Chi, for a similar reason, and also coz I think it would be awesome :)
• Build up my cardio stamina. I'm reasonably unfit, my body deserves better than to feel sluggish all the time.
• Get muscle - i want a strong body that can handle anything life throws at it!
• Feed my need for knowledge.. read, listen, do, learn.
• Feed my passions -practice guitar more, learn that anime song on piano again, draw, write.
• Nourish my body with healthy foods in moderation.

I really, honestly want to give my body what it deserves, strength, health and stability. My main drawback is that I'm really impatient. This stuff doesn't come overnight.. i need to remember that. Maybe i'll keep coming back to this blog.

I'm a bit apprehensive about the exercise part, because of how obsessed I can get... but for my body to build muscle and strength I need to feed it right, and I think that will help me get healthy, mind-wise. Starvation doesn't lead to health, I know that. 

I think, all this will make me feel good about my body, in the end. I want to be proud of how healthy, beautiful and strong it is. I want to love me for good reasons. I want to enjoy life.

I want this.

losing it

whenever i'm lost in the moment of rush it's hard for me to identify my emotions.
i don't pay attention to myself much.
but now that i'm alone and left to think, i've recognised that i'm really unhappy.

i'm still depressed.

i'm taking Lovan at the moment. it's Fluoxetine, like Prozac, and its freaking not working!!
last year i was feeling great on it, but things just went downhill.

i'm sick of feeling so shit about life.
about my stupid body.
about my boyfriend.
ugh.

i just want to feel happy about stuff!
i want to have aims and goals that dont have to do with weight
i want to feel secure with myself around other people
i'm sick of hiding within myself.
i'm miserable.

i don't feel like seeing anybody.

i feel like no one wants to be with me, but i guess i dont blame them.
i'm shit to be around.
but still, it'd be nice to have some friends who like my company.

fuck everybody.

2010 resolutions

1. Take opportunities for growth and happiness.
2. Nurture my body, mind and soul.
3. Spend quality time with those I love and miss.
4. Gain knowledge and skills.
5. Save money.
6. See some of the world.

I like them, do you?

Reflections on 2009

It's that time of year, where I hop on to myspace to share my life with anyone who gives a fuck. And to tell you the truth, I don't think that includes many at all.

Myspace is shit, but it's my tradition. Facebook is too open, too much family to write an intimate blog post. So now, I will continue this tradition here on this blog, in an unedited version for all except my family and friends to see.

Before I start, here are my previous reflections on Myspace.
2006 (1)

2006

2007

2008
So, here I go.

School - Ah, year 12. Best year ever. Not. This year was intense. We lived in the common room, bitching over the stereo with the other group next to us, and bitching about everyone within our own friendship group. Yes, we girls looove to bitch. It's not surprising though- with all the shit going on it was hard to keep my mouth shut. Highlights of school this year include: My panic attack 5 minutes before my English SAC (because I found out I had to eat that day), the awesome drugged up parties, being left out of stuff a lot, leaning over the toilet bowl and sticking my fingers down my throat, and feeling like a fucking dumb shit. Surprisingly, I came out of the rubble that was year 12 with an ENTER of 90.45. I don't know how I did it, so don't ask. I'm just glad it's over.

Friends - Fuck friends. I was actually going to stop there, but I have more to add on the subject. Yeah, sure, friends are okay. But they aren't there forever. At least not for me. I haven't got best friends anymore, I just don't trust anyone enough. I like the company of certain people, but I find its best not to get too close, because I'll just get hurt, like the billions of times this year. Thanks guys (particularly girls), for ditching me in favour of ecstasy, marijuana and everything that is a lot more fun than me.

Love - Once again, not much to say, except that it's not as simple as I thought it would be. Love is complicated. And when it hurts you, it hurts bad. Another surprise (a lot of surprises in 09) is that the boy is still with me. We already had our first fight of 2010, so I don't think it's going to be for much longer. I don't know what I'll do when he's gone.

Home - Mmm, home. This year was troublesome, what with year 12 going on and all. Mum once again became my worst enemy. And so did my mind. I began to diet and had a semester-long fling with Bulimia, which I'm not proud of and I've pushed that out of my life, for now. Unfortunately, a few anti-depressants and a shrink can't fix everything, and I battled depression and anxiety throughout the year, causing me to be unable to focus on school. It drove my parents insane. All I can say to them is, thanks for putting up with me, no one else would have.

Future - Thanks to my miraculously high ENTER score, I can hopefully achieve my goal of becoming a psychologist. Yeah, shut up, I know it's ironic. But I want to ensure that no child or teenager EVER has to go through what I have for the past two years. I'm extremely pumped to start my six year course at Uni to become a Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychologist, I believe it will be a beginning to an amazing journey of self discovery and knowledge of all things mental.

Not my best piece of writing, but I had 4 hours of sleep last night and I'm not feeling my best. Here's to hoping that 2010 will be at least a better year than 2009.

Love to all.