Friday, October 30, 2009

best.day.ever.

last night i got my period.

*BIG SIGH OF RELIEF*

:) so so soooo happy.
except i now have the headaches and stomach cramps and tiredness associated with it.
it took only a few hours to get me complaining about it.
hehe.

english exam went well today.
the prompts were really hard, but i managed.
hopefully i got a good score. *crossed fingers*

i also got to see the boy today :)
i'm falling in love more and more each day. its almost 3 years, and we're hopefully going to the city for new years.
we're going to go out for dinner, which we've NEVER done in our whole relationship! can you believe that? i just think it would be weird, considering my problems.
but hey, im willing to try it. hopefully it will go well.
anyway, im so excited for schoolies. we get our own master bedroom with a spa bath in the ensuite :)
teehee, erotic bubble bath anyone?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

signs of insanity

i'm sure the majority of people know that saying about the signs of insanity.
the first sign of insanity is having hair on the palms of your hands.
the seconds sign of insanity is looking for them.

amusing, and gets me every time.
but right now i have two different signs of insanity.
for me, the first sign of insanity is assuming i'm pregnant without a test
and the second sign of insanity is declaring war on the fetus that might not even be there.
disregarding any harm i may cause myself.

that is the end of this post, for the benefit of pro-life activists who might try to shoot me.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

photographic view

i HATE photographs.
i just came to decide that today, after looking at my valedictory photos from a week ago.

so there i was, drinking, dancing, having fun in my sexy black dress.
NOT knowing, since no one bothered to tell me, that i had FAT hanging out everywhere!
fucking fat! my dress was tight and black, so my "little bit of a tummy", as mum calls it, was bloating out further than my boobs!
and you know what the most terrible thing is?
i was wearing fat pants! those underwear that suck in your tummy.
but no, even the smallest size would not contain my junk. my food baby. whatever.
and it shows in all the photos.
here i go trying to upload some pics onto facebook and boom, fat attack!
im reconsidering, i dont think im going to upload these photos.

i have been eating so much SHIT lately, because im in exam mode.
study study, stress stress, albert (my soon-to-be-abortion-if-it-actually-exists) albert... = mi goreng, noodles, chocolate, nutella, crap crap crap
= ME BEING FAT.

ive had it with my body.
i wouldnt take my jumper off infront of the boy, which is a real indicator that i am overboard.
even on my fattest days i can be comfortable around him. but not now. im a fucking whale.

on november 13th, the last day of my exams, i finish school for ever.
and also, i quit being fat forever.
hours of gymming, water and hunger are in store for my near future.
that's what my tarrot cards would say if they made them for disordered eaters.
and ultimate sadness but also satisfaction will result.

I can't wait to be miserable, malnourished and depressed again.
I'm even worse without it. I'm nothing without it.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

paranoia

so i havent' had my period yet. it's 4 days late exactly.
and im freaking out.

instead of studying this week, i've been googling pregnancy, late periods, abortion... everything.
this may be a touchy subject, but ive also been looking at self-induced miscarriage.
im really, really desperate.
and ive been punching my stomach all morning.
i havent even taken a test yet!
and i might just be stressed.
im such a dick.
meh.

hm well today i looked at my feet and they looked really fat.
it was a strange illusion.
ive been feeling so shit about my body.
the scale yesterday said 56. 56!!! i havent been 56 since year 8. i almost cried.
but i have to push this aside until exams are over.
18 days and i can start exercising and restricting again.
i cant stay like this.
i feel like crap.
i wouldnt even take off my jumper today despite the heat.
ugh.
i know this is counter-recovery thinking but.... well, there's really no excuse.
me = fail.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

awakened

so after a period of recess, i've come back.
and seen that i had two comments! wow someone read my blog :)
that motivates me to keep going.
thank you Arielle for the comment.. it's what i really needed to hear right now.
ooh and thank you anonymous for the website, it's a tough contender against "thinspiration" and i have some new pictures to go in my folder of gorgeous women.

so, update... since i've been gone, i have
- gained weight (ironic, since i was on a "diet")
- stopped dieting and have begun eating whatever i want, with the comfort i can lose weight after exams finish
- finished school forever
- had my valedictory
- gotten insanely drunk dressed at snow white
- played the sims 2 excessively to distract me from my Teta's death AND
- had multiple fights with my ex-principal, boyfriend and my mum.

What a month.

also, i didn't take my anti-depressants for a week, and my mum copped one of my rage black outs. so did my ex-principal. she was a bitch anyway.

i am really bad with pills.
which has got me into a bit of a tiff.
i failed to take my oral contraceptive pill for a few days last week, and my period is one day late.
I'm a self-diagnosed hypochondriac (oh, irony?) and this is causing me a lot of distress.
ive been googling pregnancy, amenorrhea and abortion all day to keep my anxiety at bay, and its not working.
my only consolation is that this has happened to me and a few of my friends before and they and i havent been pregnant. it could be stress, tiredness and whatnot. but argh...
im just fucking scared.
any advice for a 17 year old hypochondriac who thinks she's pregnant on the brink of year 12 exams?
hears to hoping i'll get my period tomorrow and start complaining about it because i hate it so much.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

valedictory diet

a while ago me and my friends came up with a 'valedictory diet', in which no bad food could be eaten in order to get skinny for valedictory.
stupid idea of course.
but my valedictory is in 17 days, and ive begun to restrict back to 1000 calories a day.
i didn't think i could ever restrict again, it was like my body was adjusted to normality.
but, no. i was wrong.
with the stress of my Teta going and the pressure of practice exams i've begun an obsessive journey to weight loss.
it keeps my anxiety at bay, and takes my attention away from things that are bothering me.
i know i shouldnt be doing this but its what i need right now.
and i currently feel disgusted by my body.
and i have a tight fitting, sexy black dress to fit into properly without fat hanging everywhere!
eep.