Flashback -2007

This is a poem I wrote on the 17th of April in 2007, while I was at my lowest weight of 46kg.
I don't show this to anybody.

NOT THE END.

Darkness takes over,
suffocated by pain.
Tears and blood;
all that escape.

Secrets that pour out
with pills and a blade,
anticipate the slice;
beautifully made.

Coldness sinks in,
white walls surround,
creeping slowly
up from the ground.

Soft skin breaks,
red stains the tiles.
Shattered face;
she flickers a smile.

Short breaths steady,
hair grazes the floor;
Silent screams for help.
Human No More.

finishing a book

as much as i love books,
they leave me feeling hollow inside.

they allow me to escape to another place, another reality,
and i get so absorbed that i forget my own troubles.
it's only when i lift my head up, that i am snapped back in to reality.

it's a strange sensation, being sucked out of the middle of a book.
like one of those dreams where you wake up from falling.
it's as if i've been toppled upside down,
and then dragged headfirst out of a whirlpool of water that is sucking me in towards the pages.
it's a shock, a jerk movement, whiplash.

but that's okay, because i know that i can sink comfortably back into the water without noticing.
when you're in the middle of a book, or a series, it's easy to do.
i remember when the new Harry Potter books were coming out. It was so easy to wait, because i knew more was coming.

finishing a book, or rather, a series, is a whole different story.

the characters, the ones you've known and loved throughout the whole series, suddenly disappear.
actually, worse. they continue on without me.
and i am left behind.
it's just not the same, going back to the start,
because it's been so long and exhausting, that both the characters, and myself, have changed throughout the books.
and so, i've just been on this whole journey with you, and now you're leaving me?
i've gotten so immersed in your magical story life,
lived vicariously through you.. loved, hated, cried and laughed with you,
felt you.
and now you're moving on.
sure, i have to accept that...
but its painful.
no, not even painful...

it leaves me hollow.
empty.

and i want to go back to the start, repeat the journey again,
but i know what's coming for me, as it's still aching in my heart.
only when in feel alive again, will i read again,
forgetting, until the time comes, this raw feeling that comes with finishing a book.

compulsion

I NEED TO STARVE!!!

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rtjhwsrtttttttthjwrtjhwrtafjga

I MISS THIS!!!

i never hated my boobs,

but i miss having almost none. :(

i miss fitting into those shorts, i cant even do them up anymore :(

i miss lying in bed knocking my hip bones :(

i miss my almost flat stomach

(because it will never be flat, not without liposuction, which i plan to get in the future)

i miss having skinny arms! :(

i miss my ribs

i miss having no hips :(

i miss feeling beautiful.

at least, beautiful enough to go out in public and take care of what was left of my body.

i fucking HATE my life!!

i just want to be skinny again!!!

i am so digusting.

health at every size + my school results

so, i didn't realise i was so passionate about this issue, until my mum and dad started talking about my uncle and aunt.

they are both obese, and have a very unhealthy lifestyle.

but recently, my uncle especially, has been losing weight healthily by running and eating healthier food.

good on him, i say.

but this isn't what annoyed me.

my mum and dad always rave about how he's doing so well to lose the weight.

lose the weight, lose the weight, lose the weight.

ugh.

so i asked mum why they had the lose weight,

and mum went on a rant about how fat = unhealthy and to be healthy you have to be at a 'normal' weight.

this made me really angry, and i brought up health at every size.

mum said it was bullshit.

then i got more angry, because she was all like 'if you're fat you're unhealthy, it doesn't matter if you eat healthy, you're still fat which means unhealthy'.

i just dont know what to say to that.

sure, i know that diabetics lose weight to get healthy, and sure, there's nothing wrong with people with health problems being told to lose weight... but, the mentality is that FAT = UNHEALTHY.

even if the person in question happens to be completely healthy on the inside, if they're fat, they're automatically considered unhealthy because of those bad connotations.

ugh. it just pissed me off more than i thought it would.

my parents are so closed minded.

however, i have some good news. :)

yesterday morning at 7am, i received my ENTER. 

for those of you who don't know what that is, in Victoria Australia, the ENTER is a ranking of academic performance up to 100.

i needed 87 to get into my dream course - Psychology at Deakin Uni.

i was expecting about an 80 - 85, what with my depression/anxiety/ED/grandma dying etc.

but to my pleasant surprise, my score was 90.45

New Car, my parent's undying love and Deakin, here i come!!

mental holiday

i'll be taking a break from the blogging world for a while.

i feel empty, despite his efforts, and mine.

and i can't bear to write, let alone think.

maybe the next drunken week at Schoolies will put my mind at ease.

so long, for now.. and take care.

love, Katie.