Flashback -2007

This is a poem I wrote on the 17th of April in 2007, while I was at my lowest weight of 46kg.
I don't show this to anybody.

NOT THE END.

Darkness takes over,
suffocated by pain.
Tears and blood;
all that escape.

Secrets that pour out
with pills and a blade,
anticipate the slice;
beautifully made.

Coldness sinks in,
white walls surround,
creeping slowly
up from the ground.

Soft skin breaks,
red stains the tiles.
Shattered face;
she flickers a smile.

Short breaths steady,
hair grazes the floor;
Silent screams for help.
Human No More.

finishing a book

as much as i love books,
they leave me feeling hollow inside.

they allow me to escape to another place, another reality,
and i get so absorbed that i forget my own troubles.
it's only when i lift my head up, that i am snapped back in to reality.

it's a strange sensation, being sucked out of the middle of a book.
like one of those dreams where you wake up from falling.
it's as if i've been toppled upside down,
and then dragged headfirst out of a whirlpool of water that is sucking me in towards the pages.
it's a shock, a jerk movement, whiplash.

but that's okay, because i know that i can sink comfortably back into the water without noticing.
when you're in the middle of a book, or a series, it's easy to do.
i remember when the new Harry Potter books were coming out. It was so easy to wait, because i knew more was coming.

finishing a book, or rather, a series, is a whole different story.

the characters, the ones you've known and loved throughout the whole series, suddenly disappear.
actually, worse. they continue on without me.
and i am left behind.
it's just not the same, going back to the start,
because it's been so long and exhausting, that both the characters, and myself, have changed throughout the books.
and so, i've just been on this whole journey with you, and now you're leaving me?
i've gotten so immersed in your magical story life,
lived vicariously through you.. loved, hated, cried and laughed with you,
felt you.
and now you're moving on.
sure, i have to accept that...
but its painful.
no, not even painful...

it leaves me hollow.
empty.

and i want to go back to the start, repeat the journey again,
but i know what's coming for me, as it's still aching in my heart.
only when in feel alive again, will i read again,
forgetting, until the time comes, this raw feeling that comes with finishing a book.

compulsion

I NEED TO STARVE!!!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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dfhbsfdfakjgba/kjfdsg
hsftghfakjdg/kfjdsg
ygthrtjhwrtjhwrtjhwrtjafjgakdf
wrjthafdjgak/lfj/af
rtjhwsrtttttttthjwrtjhwrtafjga

I MISS THIS!!!

i never hated my boobs,

but i miss having almost none. :(

i miss fitting into those shorts, i cant even do them up anymore :(

i miss lying in bed knocking my hip bones :(

i miss my almost flat stomach

(because it will never be flat, not without liposuction, which i plan to get in the future)

i miss having skinny arms! :(

i miss my ribs

i miss having no hips :(

i miss feeling beautiful.

at least, beautiful enough to go out in public and take care of what was left of my body.

i fucking HATE my life!!

i just want to be skinny again!!!

i am so digusting.

health at every size + my school results

so, i didn't realise i was so passionate about this issue, until my mum and dad started talking about my uncle and aunt.

they are both obese, and have a very unhealthy lifestyle.

but recently, my uncle especially, has been losing weight healthily by running and eating healthier food.

good on him, i say.

but this isn't what annoyed me.

my mum and dad always rave about how he's doing so well to lose the weight.

lose the weight, lose the weight, lose the weight.

ugh.

so i asked mum why they had the lose weight,

and mum went on a rant about how fat = unhealthy and to be healthy you have to be at a 'normal' weight.

this made me really angry, and i brought up health at every size.

mum said it was bullshit.

then i got more angry, because she was all like 'if you're fat you're unhealthy, it doesn't matter if you eat healthy, you're still fat which means unhealthy'.

i just dont know what to say to that.

sure, i know that diabetics lose weight to get healthy, and sure, there's nothing wrong with people with health problems being told to lose weight... but, the mentality is that FAT = UNHEALTHY.

even if the person in question happens to be completely healthy on the inside, if they're fat, they're automatically considered unhealthy because of those bad connotations.

ugh. it just pissed me off more than i thought it would.

my parents are so closed minded.

however, i have some good news. :)

yesterday morning at 7am, i received my ENTER. 

for those of you who don't know what that is, in Victoria Australia, the ENTER is a ranking of academic performance up to 100.

i needed 87 to get into my dream course - Psychology at Deakin Uni.

i was expecting about an 80 - 85, what with my depression/anxiety/ED/grandma dying etc.

but to my pleasant surprise, my score was 90.45

New Car, my parent's undying love and Deakin, here i come!!

mental holiday

i'll be taking a break from the blogging world for a while.

i feel empty, despite his efforts, and mine.

and i can't bear to write, let alone think.

maybe the next drunken week at Schoolies will put my mind at ease.

so long, for now.. and take care.

love, Katie.

lost

i don't know where to turn. where to go.
i can't run.
i can't hide.

everywhere is a dead end.

words can't describe how i'm feeling.
me and the boy are hanging by a thread.
and it's all up to me to strengthen it.

i can't bear to lose him.

we fought the other night.
i made him take me back to his.
he got me a separate doona cover.
he said it was 'wrong' for me to stay at his.
the two covers were the worst.
it hurt, more than anything... more than him telling me that i couldn't have been drunk enough to not notice a kiss coming.

there are so many things i'd take back in a second.
that night, the kiss. the other sunday when i did what i said i would NEVER do, i hit him in the balls.
it was trivial, but a massive blow to US.
these two moments mentally sever me.. to bits..

only now have i realised it not only hurts HIM to be with me, but it also hurts me.
because i hate myself so much for hurting him, yet it would hurt him more if i punished myself.

it hurts me to live with what i have done.

yet it would hurt much more to be separated from the one i love.
that's where the cutting comes in. it would help me deal with the pain of living with myself while i'm still with him. but then i'd have to live with the hurt i cause by doing that.

life is a tedious, vicious cycle.

i'm dangerously lost in it. the boy is the only one i can turn to in such a mess, even though it revolves around him.

all these thoughts would hurt him too.

we made love last night, first time since our fight.
i felt like crying afterwards.

i have ruined us.
we'll never be the same.

i am in so much pain, i don't know what to do anymore.

cosmopolitan

out of sheer boredom, i bought a cosmo magazine today.
sitting on my ass is not as fun as you may think.

and i was pleasantly surprised.

within the 50 page body love issue,
within the "so you've lost weight, now what?" articles,
within the stick thin model ads,
i found something reminiscent of Lizzie Miller.
i found cellulite, and i found rolls of fat,
and it was beautiful!

i've been leaning more towards body love lately.
i bought myself a new pair of bikinis.
they're red and polka dotty :)
anddd.... i wore them without board shorts.
i haven't worn bathers without boardies since i was a wee kiddo.
this was my biggest accomplishment this year.

and the boy loved my body in them :)

i've had thoughts of bingeing and starvation, i'm leaning more towards starvation.
will i truly look better?
my hope is fading, because my mum doesn't want to get me liposuction on my stomach anymore.
i am afraid i'll have to live with this for ever.

tonsilitis

don't you just love being sick?

your head feels like its going to explode.
your throat burns.
it kills to swallow anything.
you snap, you're pissed off.
you feel like dying.

but, on the other hand...
you get looked after.
people make you stuff.
that affectionate pat on the head.
you watch movies,
get out of chores.

and, you have excuses to get out of eating solid food.

another night, another let-down

i feel like he just doesn't want to see me anymore.

he doesnt text me much, and when he does, he doesnt sound happy or anything.
he says he'll see me and then doesn't.
and doesn't let me know at all, until later.
he doesnt answer my calls much either.

am i boring? am i annoying? or am i just.. old news?

i don't know.
and i may be slightly paranoid, but i feel like this is all happening.
and its not in my imagination.
and i know he loves me, but i just can't help feeling hurt.

tonight i got my hopes up to see him, and it's 9pm now, and he hasn't even texted me.
i feel so stupid :(

fat people

don't be hatin' when you read the title.
this isn't a fat-bashing blog.

come to think of it, why does fat have such negative meanings attached to it?
everyone has fat.
fat keeps us alive. we need it.

it seems i'm continually inspired, and today i was inspired by a lovely lady called Lizzie, who writes the blog, "Diary of a Fat Teenager".
at first i was intrigued. now i am amazed.
this girl has such a healthy attitude towards her body, and she weighs around 100 pounds more than I do!

what i've realised is, it's not your size that makes you confident.
it's your attitude to it.
it's not being fat that makes people unhappy. it's the thought process.
like i learnt in CBT.

i used to think that i'd rather be skinny and unhappy, than be fat and happy.
but hell, i think i'd rather be fat and happy!
if i didn't view the fat as a bad thing, and i had as much confidence as Lizzie, man, i could rock that fat.
but i could never be like that.
i don't think that it's because i CHOOSE not to, i think that it's just the way i am.
i've tried to view my body as beautiful, and it just doesnt GOD DAMN WORK.
i'm pretty jealous of the gift Lizzie has for positivity and love for her body.

i guess people with eating disorders only ever talk about fat when they say "omg im so fat ew" or "that has soooooo much fat in it".
and it makes us look like fat-bashers.
but i don't think that's the case for the majority.
i don't hate fat people.
i have a couple of friends who are fat-bashers and do it openly on myspace.
and i think it's disgusting.
i have fat friends who i think are beautiful.
it just sucks i can't see my own self as beautiful.

that's my thoughts for the day.
oh btw, i totally aced my photography exam ;)
i reckon i coulda got full marks :D

ive got my legal exam in two and a half hours. wish me luck!
x

Flashback -1997

I know this is my second blog for the day, but inspired by lisalisa I've decided to take a journey into my past, back to grade Prep.

I'm sitting at my table. Joy runs through me.
I set my eyes down upon my alphabet work, and the big, red ticks stare back, as if smiling up at me.
At that moment, 3 boys appear at my table.
I look up at them. They each Sneer.
The middle one, Luke, narrows his eyes, and the spikes in his hair seem to sharpen.
I try to feel confident. What could he possibly say?

"Hey Kaaatie", says Luke in a sing-song voice, "bet you can't spell!"
"I can so!" I say, rising up to the taunt. I stand, my heartbeat races. I know this will be easy, I am a great speller.
"Okay then, spell da" He teases.
What? That isn't a word. I stand confused, but I give it a shot anyway.
"D - A" I say, my voice calm and steady.
"Nope," he says. His smile stretches across his cold face. I am determined to get this right.
"D ... U?" I guess, uncertainly.
"Nope" he smirks. He seems to get bigger and bigger. I sink into the ground.
"D - E? D - O?" I try.
He shakes his head, laughing.
"What is it then?" I ask impatiently, wondering how in the world da could be spelt.
"It's T - H - E!" he says triumphantly, leaning forward as if trying to spear me with the letters.
All 3 of the boys laugh and walk away.

I am left standing there, dumbfounded, and I feel helpless.
He said DA! not THE! 
I am angry. But what can I say?
I feel like I'm trapped and there's nothing I can do. It's not fair.

The ticks on my work lay forgotten.
The happiness they gave me is lost, taken away from me by Luke.

all or nothing

first of all, can anybody tell me how i can get notified of comments?
i always tend to have to go into my blog and check.
i just want one of those things like on myspace where it's like "new comments!"
ha, i'm lazy.

i decided that this whole 'losing weight slowly and healthily' thing was just a load of BS.
it was TOO slow, and i gave up and binged. it's all or nothing for me.
starting next monday, i will be fasting and restricting for summer.
shouldn't be hard at all, considering i won't have exams to worry about and i can be anywhere and do whatever i want :)
can't wait til freedom.
the only thing that sucks about the upcoming freedom is it has to be summer.
i HATE summer.
i despise it.
Here's a list why:

1. It's too hot to exercise, let alone MOVE

2. I get all sweaty and look like a bloated tomato

3. I have to wear clothes that reveal my fat-ness.

4. I break down a lot because of my lack of decent-looking clothing options

5. Clothes shopping is depressing, especially with...

6. BIKINIS!!!!!!!!

7. Can't eat soups :(

8. Having sex is exhausting and makes you all gross and sticky (and not for a good reason)

9. Sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend is hard because he is a human furnace

10. People don't hug as much :( i love hugs :(

11. I hate icypoles, so when I'm hot i have to resort to icky Ice cream that melts everywhere and makes you stickier than summer sex

12. Makes me crave ice cream more.

13. CBF SUNSCREENING

14. ...and that leads to painful sunburn

15. You have to wear sunglasses and they slide off your nose and get annoying

17. My eye makeup (my trademark) sweats off

18. Having to deal with questions about why I like to wear tshirts and boardies over my bathers (fat stomach and scars on my legs)

19. The Beach! (bikinis + icky sand + salty water = PISSED OFF KATIE)

20. People always want to go out for fish and chips, which usually leads to B/P

21. Salads get boring after a while

22. Did I mention looking like a bloated tomato?

23. Can't do one of my favourite past-times, walking to Frankston, because of the heat

24. Too many BUGS! (i have a phobia of all insects)

25. Lack of sleep due to trying to kill all the aforementioned bugs

26. Being woken up by a buzzing mosquito just as I'm about to fall asleep!

27. Dresses. YUCK.

28. Have to show my fat arms.

29. BUGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSS

30. Lack of motivation because of the stupid heat.

31. Winter coldness burns more calories.


Enough said?
Even so, here are some upsides that will benefit me this summer:

1. Too hot to heat fatty foods (aka chocolate, pasta, curries etc)
2. Excuse to just eat salads, it's too hot for anything else!
3. Cold water to boost metabolism
4. Yummy low-calorie fruit.
5. BOOST FRUIT SMOOOOTHIES when going out for lunch. once again, too hot for anything else.

chyeah. and that's about it as far as the good bits of summer goes.
so NOT looking forward to it.

NOTE TO SELF: this is not the time to be writing blogs, go study for your exams tomorrow!

inside my head

today was a mildy good study day,
i was productive up until mid day, which is extremely good for me.
i think and hope i can get a reasonable mark on my exams on wednesday.

otherwise, today was shit.
i ate too much, as i sit here i want to purge, but i know how gross it is to purge pasta.
but, actually, maybe i will do it. hmm.
it will make me feel better.
i should do it.
but i shouldnt.

okay, let's map this out.
K "i shouldn't purge because it doesn't make me lose weight anyway, and David will be upset"
ED "it will make you feel better"
K "it'll put bags under my eyes and make me feel like shit, and i will feel shitter if i fail at it."
ED "yes but it will empty your stomach and you won't feel so full"
K "it'll go away soon"
ED "why not get rid of it now?"
K "that's counterproductive. i'm trying to get rid of bulimia. and i've been doing so well at it"
ED "it's only one time. come on, do it, it'll be quick and painless"
K "i'll get addicted, and i won't be able to stop again. i'll start binging and purging all the time. the first time i tried i told myself i'd do it occasionally but it turned into every day. i GAINED weight. this is no way to go"
ED "you can have control this time. just purge when you are forced to eat, starve the rest of the time"
K "how about i just start dieting after exams. it's too distracting now"
ED "you're always dieting anyway. if you don't diet you'll binge, and feel crap, and not be able to do exams. just fucking purge already!"
K "it can't be too bad"
ED "yeah, you know you want to do it"
K "just this once? you promise?"
ED "just this once! it'll be fine. i promise you. and you'll feel better"
K "okay."

looks like i failed on this one.
off to shower.


EDIT: 
ED "told you it'd make you feel better ;)"

falling apart

i am miserable.
i have only lost half a kilo this week.
i'm not used to such slow loss!
its killing me.
i'm being urged to go lower in caloric take by my own mind.
i know i shouldn't, but i NEED those numbers to go lower.

i'm such a fat lard.

i called my boyfriend today and told him that i felt like cutting.
if i didn't tell him, i would've done it.
i haven't felt so low in a long time.
maybe it's because i re-started my anti-depressants after not taking them for two weeks (i'm that lazy).
but maybe it's just because i'm a fat lard.

i am miserable.

keeping it together

to reply to liana, i plan on getting fucking wasted when i finish exams on friday :)
infact i've got an 18th that night. :D

now this morning i had to stop myself short.
my goal for today was 600 calories.
but no. i can't let myself fall that easily into starvation mode, so early in my weight loss.
right now, my goal is centred around 1000 calories.
i'm making a rule that i have to keep within 900 -1100 until i get to my first goal, 52kg.
then, i'll decide what happens next.

the urge to starve grips you so easily.
it's not happening fast enough -therefore, i must lower my intake.
ahhh NO. i've got to keep my head.
because i am in control this time.

now to go make myself some lunch :)

inadequate

i'm feeling quite low right now.
in the midst of extremely confusing circumstances.

my two friends have started dating. and my chick friend is the most stunning beautiful girl on the planet. and she's skinny without even trying. and she's not a bitch. and she's just all-round perfect.

i'm not jealous, so it took me a while to figure out why i felt so low and confused, and ate nutella and peanut butter... dead giveaway that something is wrong.

i think... its because she's so beautiful.
i just want to be like her.
now whenever i hang with my guy friend i'm going to be more self conscious because he's been with a girl with an amazing body, when im just a blob of fat. i know it doesnt matter to him and he thinks i'm perfect the way i am, but i can't help but think he'll compare me to her now.

i feel inadequate.
i should be working harder to be gorgeous and skinny for my boy, so he doesnt have to fuck a wobbly bag of lard. instead he should be admiring my toned, slim figure.

WELL, WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?

I. WANT. THIS. SO. FUCKING. BAD!

it's times like these i wish my boy didn't mind me cutting. i need him right now, and he isn't here. i want to feel the sting, reminding me of what i've yet to accomplish.

looking like i do, i'm not worthy of anyone.

porridge and OCD

beginning to think i may actually have OCD.

but only with my eating disorder.

all i think about is food, and being thin, and exercise, and food...

to the point where i HAVE to look at thinspiration, HAVE to read through a whole three year ED blog (sad!) and HAVE to look up weight loss to get me to stop thinking so much about it!

obsessions that lead to compulsions.

that stop me from studying, and doing anything else for that matter.

or are eating disorders just another form of OCD... to do with food?

a final observation:

schoolwork is like porridge in the microwave.

if you leave it alone for ten seconds, it overflows all over the place.

insight

i noticed i have a couple of new followers... and i think it may be because i'm following a blog called "quest for perfection". the writer intrigues me, reminds me somewhat of myself, and it makes me feel less alone in my struggles to read other people's struggles too.

people are entitled to follow me as they please (hey, i've never had followers before this blog, hehe), but i just want everyone to know that i'm not 'pro-ana', as in, i don't like to encourage the anorexia 'lifestyle' and urge people to starve, throw up, take laxatives, overexercise etc. to get thin. i recognise that it is a mental illness, i also recognise that people can 'choose' it, somehow... i did, i guess (big mistakey)... but just don't read me for tips and tricks and thinspo.
any thinspo that i look at is for my eyes only, not for this blog. this blog is just my journey.

Okay all said and done :)
i was reading a blog i've joined called "trying to save her life", its written by a boy who's girlfriend has got an eating disorder. (funnily enough, his girlfriend writes the blog i mentioned before).
i love this, because i rarely get to see the thoughts of my boy in relation to what i do.
i know he hated the throwing up, and hates the starving, but, as with any average boy, he has a hard time expressing his emotions.
so this blog is providing me with some insight into the boy's mind. the link to the blog is on the side bar under 'blogs i like' if you want to check it out.
anyway. he's just started out and in his second entry he mentioned that he cried himself to sleep one night after she told him she threw up.
this is really confronting for me... i usually try to forget that the boy ever did/does that when he's upset. the fact such a trivial action to me, throwing up, could have such a HUGE impact on someone that loves me, is hard to deal with and think about.

i hate upsetting him. and this was motivation enough to end my bulimic behaviours, which have been rare in the past month. i just hope that my recent endeavour to lose weight AGAIN doesn't upset him as much :(

choices

i had a choice yesterday. i could either go to the gym, or i could attend a lecture for my exam next week.

i chose the lecture.

i didn't regret it.

today i chose to go to the gym instead of study.

i didn't regret it.

i did an hour step class which almost killed me. and certainly burnt the minimal calories i ate today.

*sigh* counterproductive.

my psych is NEVER going to let me live this down.

she's going to be so dissapointed.

the boy once told me i had to choose between him and my eating disorder.

i told him it wasn't that simple.

is it really possible to choose both?

my ed is like a rival guy for him.

ED VS. MY BOY.

they both compete.

but to me, it's not like that. to me, i can have both.

the boy just had to deal, because its a part of me.

i can't be happy if i hate my body.

i told him on the phone that i have back fat.

he sounded angry.

but my back fat is disgusting.

thin

lisalisa asked me a question on my last blog.

 Is there anything else (healthy) in your life that gives you the same sense of satisfaction and control?

no. never.

and it's never really been about control for me.

well, kind of, at the start. but it was also about weight and food.

it's still about weight and food.

call me wanna-rexic, whatever, thats just how it is for me.

i want to lose weight. i want to be thin. that's all it's ever been for me.

i want collarbones, hipbones, cheekbones, wrist bones, shoulder bones... 

thats all i ever wanted, and it's still what i want.

and i am SO glad i threw out lasagne again tonight.

mum just came in and lectured me about study. AGAIN. fucking hell why won't she just leave me alone? she thinks i should be getting 99% for fucking everything. well i'm not that fucking smart!

i hate the expectations i have to live up to. it's moments like these that i get so angry that i skip meals. and i always get really upset when she does it after dinner, so i cant skip it. it makes me feel helpless.

i rebel by not eating, and get thinner at the same time.

maybe it isn't always about food..

i'd be cutting too, if it wasn't for the boy. everytime i used to cut myself, it'd be like cutting him twice as deep.

as long as i'm with him, i don't cut.

i'm over six months free of self harm now.

i still have scars on my hands, arms, and most of all on my legs (which i never show anyway). tough reminder.

i know i'd go back to cutting the second the boy ever breaks up with me.

he keeps me alive.

going backwards

i'll be the first to admit that i am absolutely ADDICTED to "thinspiration".
i could look at it for hours.
i also look at my pictures when i was down to 46kg... but its not as good as those thinspiration girls.
this was my lowest weight ... and i didnt even look that skinny!!

my ultimate goal weight was 45kg, and i only ever got down to 46kg.
i ate around 800 calories a day! which is the highest i ever restricted to (usual was up to 300)
and i got to my lowest weight ever.
i want to post pictures of myself when i get to 45. i didnt take enough when i was at 46 :(

i can never let go of the 45kg goal. ever. no matter how much i try to recover, i just cannot forget about it! it lingers in my mind. it escaped from me.. JUST... and i always want it back. i was so close.

i began my journey back down to 45 yesterday. im restricting to 1000 calories and exercising at least 200 off (hopefully) each day.
it will be slower than before, but i WANT it so bad. i will have to wait, but it will be worth it. and ill be just that little bit healthier.

i threw out lasagne today, ate 1/4 for dinner and threw the other 3/4 of my piece away, because my parents weren't home for dinner. i felt powerful. i felt strong.
i exercised 450 calories off today. it felt the same.
i wonder how long i have to go?...

this is so counterproductive... i dont know if i should post here anymore. this blog was supposed to be positive. i dont want to be another anorexia food-tracking blog...
hmm.
i spose this is my journey.

beauty

I love this postsecret from last week...

In the midst of those women who think they are FAT because they are pregnant, this postsecret is a shining beacon. i know that the woman on the postcard looks skinny, but i guess they're the only pictures you can get of pregnant people on the net. but the woman BEHIND the postcard, the woman who is speaking through the picture, is a light of hope for pregnant women, and their body issues. It made me happy to see this. I hope one day, when I'm a mum, I'll feel as beautiful as the woman who sent in this card.

best.day.ever.

last night i got my period.

*BIG SIGH OF RELIEF*

:) so so soooo happy.
except i now have the headaches and stomach cramps and tiredness associated with it.
it took only a few hours to get me complaining about it.
hehe.

english exam went well today.
the prompts were really hard, but i managed.
hopefully i got a good score. *crossed fingers*

i also got to see the boy today :)
i'm falling in love more and more each day. its almost 3 years, and we're hopefully going to the city for new years.
we're going to go out for dinner, which we've NEVER done in our whole relationship! can you believe that? i just think it would be weird, considering my problems.
but hey, im willing to try it. hopefully it will go well.
anyway, im so excited for schoolies. we get our own master bedroom with a spa bath in the ensuite :)
teehee, erotic bubble bath anyone?

signs of insanity

i'm sure the majority of people know that saying about the signs of insanity.
the first sign of insanity is having hair on the palms of your hands.
the seconds sign of insanity is looking for them.

amusing, and gets me every time.
but right now i have two different signs of insanity.
for me, the first sign of insanity is assuming i'm pregnant without a test
and the second sign of insanity is declaring war on the fetus that might not even be there.
disregarding any harm i may cause myself.

that is the end of this post, for the benefit of pro-life activists who might try to shoot me.

photographic view

i HATE photographs.
i just came to decide that today, after looking at my valedictory photos from a week ago.

so there i was, drinking, dancing, having fun in my sexy black dress.
NOT knowing, since no one bothered to tell me, that i had FAT hanging out everywhere!
fucking fat! my dress was tight and black, so my "little bit of a tummy", as mum calls it, was bloating out further than my boobs!
and you know what the most terrible thing is?
i was wearing fat pants! those underwear that suck in your tummy.
but no, even the smallest size would not contain my junk. my food baby. whatever.
and it shows in all the photos.
here i go trying to upload some pics onto facebook and boom, fat attack!
im reconsidering, i dont think im going to upload these photos.

i have been eating so much SHIT lately, because im in exam mode.
study study, stress stress, albert (my soon-to-be-abortion-if-it-actually-exists) albert... = mi goreng, noodles, chocolate, nutella, crap crap crap
= ME BEING FAT.

ive had it with my body.
i wouldnt take my jumper off infront of the boy, which is a real indicator that i am overboard.
even on my fattest days i can be comfortable around him. but not now. im a fucking whale.

on november 13th, the last day of my exams, i finish school for ever.
and also, i quit being fat forever.
hours of gymming, water and hunger are in store for my near future.
that's what my tarrot cards would say if they made them for disordered eaters.
and ultimate sadness but also satisfaction will result.

I can't wait to be miserable, malnourished and depressed again.
I'm even worse without it. I'm nothing without it.

paranoia

so i havent' had my period yet. it's 4 days late exactly.
and im freaking out.

instead of studying this week, i've been googling pregnancy, late periods, abortion... everything.
this may be a touchy subject, but ive also been looking at self-induced miscarriage.
im really, really desperate.
and ive been punching my stomach all morning.
i havent even taken a test yet!
and i might just be stressed.
im such a dick.
meh.

hm well today i looked at my feet and they looked really fat.
it was a strange illusion.
ive been feeling so shit about my body.
the scale yesterday said 56. 56!!! i havent been 56 since year 8. i almost cried.
but i have to push this aside until exams are over.
18 days and i can start exercising and restricting again.
i cant stay like this.
i feel like crap.
i wouldnt even take off my jumper today despite the heat.
ugh.
i know this is counter-recovery thinking but.... well, there's really no excuse.
me = fail.

awakened

so after a period of recess, i've come back.
and seen that i had two comments! wow someone read my blog :)
that motivates me to keep going.
thank you Arielle for the comment.. it's what i really needed to hear right now.
ooh and thank you anonymous for the website, it's a tough contender against "thinspiration" and i have some new pictures to go in my folder of gorgeous women.

so, update... since i've been gone, i have
- gained weight (ironic, since i was on a "diet")
- stopped dieting and have begun eating whatever i want, with the comfort i can lose weight after exams finish
- finished school forever
- had my valedictory
- gotten insanely drunk dressed at snow white
- played the sims 2 excessively to distract me from my Teta's death AND
- had multiple fights with my ex-principal, boyfriend and my mum.

What a month.

also, i didn't take my anti-depressants for a week, and my mum copped one of my rage black outs. so did my ex-principal. she was a bitch anyway.

i am really bad with pills.
which has got me into a bit of a tiff.
i failed to take my oral contraceptive pill for a few days last week, and my period is one day late.
I'm a self-diagnosed hypochondriac (oh, irony?) and this is causing me a lot of distress.
ive been googling pregnancy, amenorrhea and abortion all day to keep my anxiety at bay, and its not working.
my only consolation is that this has happened to me and a few of my friends before and they and i havent been pregnant. it could be stress, tiredness and whatnot. but argh...
im just fucking scared.
any advice for a 17 year old hypochondriac who thinks she's pregnant on the brink of year 12 exams?
hears to hoping i'll get my period tomorrow and start complaining about it because i hate it so much.

valedictory diet

a while ago me and my friends came up with a 'valedictory diet', in which no bad food could be eaten in order to get skinny for valedictory.
stupid idea of course.
but my valedictory is in 17 days, and ive begun to restrict back to 1000 calories a day.
i didn't think i could ever restrict again, it was like my body was adjusted to normality.
but, no. i was wrong.
with the stress of my Teta going and the pressure of practice exams i've begun an obsessive journey to weight loss.
it keeps my anxiety at bay, and takes my attention away from things that are bothering me.
i know i shouldnt be doing this but its what i need right now.
and i currently feel disgusted by my body.
and i have a tight fitting, sexy black dress to fit into properly without fat hanging everywhere!
eep.

the stages of grief in video

the stages of grief

Today, over Facebook, I found out my Teta (Grandma in Arabic) died last night.
My initial reaction was shock.
Then disbelief.
Then I called my mum (who is in Egypt) to see if she was okay.
Then I broke down.

Now, 6 hours later I sit here with a sliced up apple and a tub of light crunchy peanut butter (hey, my current binge food of choice could be worse) wondering. "why do I feel so shit?"

I'm a fan of self-exploration. When something is wrong, I don't necessarily need to fix it, but i need to understand it. And that's when I googled the stages of grief.
Here's how I'm at. (I went through quite quickly)..

Stage 1 -Denial/Isolation/Shock
I think this stage was mostly shock for me. Considering I found out over a Facebook status update, this was fairly predictable. This lasted about 10 minutes.


Stage 2 -Anger
I don't think I was very angry. I was more disappointed at the fact that this had to happen now, before my year 12 exams, and while not all my aunties and uncles were all together again, gathered around my Teta as a family. Out of 6 siblings including my mum, the last two are currently on a flight over there and will find their Mother dead. Fate is cruel.


Stage 3 -Bargaining
I didn't bargain, as such. I moreso tried to 'justify' it in my own head. She sees us now, from Heaven. Wherever she is, she can see her family. I really hope she can. I want her to see how much they love her.


Stage 4 -Depression/Guilt
This is where I'm at now. The answer to my question. Why do I feel so shit? Because this is a normal part of grief. It's normal to feel depressed. It just so happens that I suffer from depression, so this additional grief can't be good for my seratonin levels. I'm hoping the apple and peanut butter will help.


Stage 5 -Acceptance
I'd say I'm close to acceptance. Or maybe I'm already there. But I still feel depressed, so I can't tell if I've crossed between the two stages, or if I'm still unaccepting of my Teta's death.
I'm thinking the second one, because I'm tearing up right now. This is my cue to leave.

Rest In Peace Suzanne Bale.
Ana Bahebak Awi.
Always.

body confidence

Lizzie Miller is a plus-sized model, who appeared in Glamour magazine recently. Click here for the article about the image. Moving on, i'm not going to elaborate on the issues that this beautiful woman has brought up in today's society, there's been enough rant about it.

What i want to talk about is the astonishing comments this photograph has recieved from the public. Particularly men (excluding those men who have enough decency to recognise real beauty). There have been numerous amounts of men complaining that this woman is fat, and ugly and i quote "her bellybutton is big enough to fist". Naturally, my first reaction to those men is FUCK YOU. Turns out many other women had the same reaction as me, fighting back with fierce passion about how beauty comes in every size, how paintings of women in the 15th century depicted soft, round women, how women shouldn't be pressured into being stick thin, and how size 12 is NOT plus sized, and certainly not fat!

I find it very interesting how ready and willing these women (including myself) are to defend our bodies and defend our dignity. And i ask, why can't we say these things to ourselves? I know when I feel down, and rather crap about my body, calling myself fat and gross, the last thing on my mind is to dispute that feeling. I do not look myself in the eye and say "hey, you're not fat. you're a sexy, beautiful woman, just like how you should be. men love your curves. get out and flaunt it". Yet, we are so passionate about defending our bodies in the face of outside criticism.

Just a thought.

I've started a new folder on my computer -alongside my "thinspiration" folder (which I, admittedly, do not plan on deleting anytime soon) -that is devoted to healthy-looking, sexy women, with body types that I would like to aspire to, and CAN aspire to. The two photographs I have in this folder are the one pictured above of the lovely Lizzie Miller, and the deliciously curvy Marilyn Monroe.

Cheers, women, to body confidence!

tables

oh yes, they have turned.
so i've been invited to 4 18ths in total this week.
i'm feeling kind of.. loved.
but also worried.
because i don't think my parents will let me go... im supposed to be locked up studying.
but i REALLY want to go out, see my friends, make new ones. be a teenager.
let LOOSE for once.
or twice.. or three times.
i want to break free.

on another note, my AWESOME NEW RED GLASSES are ready :) i go pick them up tomorrow from Cazza D and then i get to actually look decent in my specs :)
thank you Versus, thank you.

my brother and my mum are playing spot-the-difference on facebook.
i play spot the difference in my own life.
right now i can tell the difference between the "fixed" me and this me i'm stuck with now.
i think... i'm over that stage, that vicious cycle, and now i just want to go down again.
counting
counting
counting.

(not quite) holidays

it's saturday, and i just finished another hectic term of year 12.
although it's the 'holidays', it's pretty much a study break.. and the second week is full of practise exams at school... can't wait til this is over!

on the bright side, i found a good pair of jeans!

i HATE jeans, mostly because of the Bardot stereotypical so-low-you-can-see-my-butt-crack and  so-tiny-my-hips-look-like-extra-boobs jeans. i've been living in leggings, as they accomodate my body shape much better.
but i have no reason to be afraid of jeans anymore, because i got some GRAB jeans.. they are high rise, so NO butt cracks, and they fit perfectly around my stomach! no more jeans that expect my hips to be the same size as my waist!
i had the hugest smile on my face when i bought them :) yay.
teehee.

i have a party on sunday night, and im wearing a little black dress.
the last time i wore a dress was at my friend's 18th (or before it) and my mum told me it looked too small.. i burst into tears and wore jeans and a hoodie for the night.
so yeah, challenge for me is to wear this dress.

sometimes i think that im more comfortable naked than i am with clothes on!
clothes, as much as i love them, are rediculous.
i'll leave it at that.

laziness

you know what's really disgusting?
until this morning, i hadn't showered for 5 days because I'd been too depressed.
i get sooo incredibly lazy when im in a shit mood.

You can tell my depression is getting really bad when
- i dont exercise
- my room gets very messy
- my hair is oily and/or it hasnt been straightened
- i smell (ha ha)
- i wear hoodies in 30 degree heat
- i sleep 24/7
- the kitchen bench and fridge arent spotless (because im a control freak)

mmm. life in the dumps sucks.

anywho, i just finished a 2,500 character essay on "how my mental illness has impacted my VCE"
sureeee was FUN to write.
i feel exhausted just thinking about it. last year was the worst year of my life, let's never remember it ever again. *moment of respectful silence*

on the bright side, i get to see Karen tomorrow :) she's my psychologist, and i adore her.
i'm thinking i'll tell her about how i almost broke down on the weekend because i tried on a t-shirt. ugh. good story that one. its been like, 2 degrees for the past season and suddenly we had a hot day and i was NOT mentally prepared to wear even slighly exposing clothes. the boy gave me a big hug because i got so uptight about it.
i ended up wearing leggings and a hoodie.
now that's more like it.

jumbled

i realised i forgot to add labels to my entry yesterday.
that's my perfectionist side talking.

i have a lot on my mind.
it's going to take a lot of training to write blog entries about ONE OR TWO things, because i always think too much.

first thing i want to bring up is my anxiety about writing this blog.
i've had some fair negative experiences in the ED world. the few communities i've been a part of that are supposed to "support" me in my recovery ... well, lets just say that the ED world is prejudice, and nasty.
for example, apparently i'm not allowed to personalise my ED and name it.
also, i'm not allowed to say that 300 calories is a binge.
i'm not allowed to say that i want to be thin, and thats the cause of my disorder.
just a few things i want to get some perspective on.
here's my two cents:
- i'm allowed to call my ED whatever the hell i want. if i want to call her 'ana' or
Ed, or Katrina, and you want to call me 'wannarexic', then go nuts, starvation is obviously driving you to bitch-hood. for everyone's information, detatching an eating disorder so that it is separate from the body is a very effective way of getting rid of it.
- 300 calories may seem HUGE to anyone! you can't call it eating 'normally'. no one eats normally. and eating 300 calories in lightening speed and then feeling guilty afterwards could definately be classified as a binge. a short one, but a binge. (look up the definition)
- now the thinness.. is not something im sure about. i KNOW i want to be thin, and thats what drove me into this. but apparently eating disorders arent about being thin... i dont really know what to think.

classifications and definitions and standards... are all bitches.

second thing thats weighing on my mind is recovery.
one thing i'm certain of, is that i HATE the bulimic side of my ED. that's the only reason i went for self-recovery. because i hated the binging and purging. plus, it was making me fat.
but now i'm being 'strong', and i've cut off bulimia for a while now ( two weeks haha)... i dont seem to want to get rid of the controlling, perfectionist, anorexic side of my ED.
thoughts about the monster, and my lack of a substaining lunch today.. just seem appealing, rather than revolting. 1200 calories seems massive to me right now. yet its supposed to be my minimum intake.

oops, times up. school is looming ahead.
this blog will be continued, with more about depression and lack of wanting to do stuff.

slipping

hmm. so today was interesting.
did much better than i thought i was going to do at my English 1984 SAC.
Also, i managed to get through my photography class (we had a party) without binging on chocolate so much that i needed to boff, and also, i didnt think too much about eating chocolate.
the main difference was the lack of anxiety. i felt clear, level-headed.
i think i'm getting there.

I did have a moment though.
after school me and mum went shopping to get ingredients for souvlakis and i spent 10 minutes obsessively trying to find the wraps with the lowest amount of calories that were big enough for a souvlaki.
settled on 110 calorie light wraps... i just couldnt go with the ones that were 30 calories more. nope, not me. couldn't stick with the usual souvlaki wraps that were about 210 calories.
but i guess its one compromise for another...
and the chocolate was a step.
but i dont think ive counted calories that obsessively in a while. ive been trying to avoid it, and ive been doing it well. just had a frenzy moment.

oh wellllll
also.. i should confess that i bought a monster energy drink today because I heard it completely demolishes your appetite. and i was going to try it tomorrow.
i don't think i should. i've been doing so well.
i think i'll talk to the boy about it, i shouldn't be thinking this.

nighty night.

2 down, 3 to go

guess who just finished her final photography SAT?
Oh, you guessed right :)
and that means... no more school-graded photography, ever again!
I am way too tired to be elated right now... but trust me, inside my brain there is a huge smile grin.

anywho.. i just wanted to share my thoughts on last nights dinner.
it was just something strange i observed, that seems to be a pattern for me.
my brother had about a half-palm-sized portion of his hamburger left, and he couldn't finish it.
it looked really incy-wincy to me right then, and I was just like, why dont you eat it? its only two bites.
and then he offered it to me.
and then it seemed like...massive.
and that's when i thought... i don't just see my body size differently, i see food size differently too!
whenever i see someone else eating, say a muesli bar, i'll think its tiny, and they should eat more
but then if i go to eat the same thing, it suddenly seems really big, as in "whoa, half of that will fill me up" type of big.

strange!

i'd like to ask your opinion of this, if you happen to be reading.
am i strange or does this happen to anyone else?

a new beginning

So, i'm beginning my blog journey again.
why?
I've been reading a blog (a retired blog, but an awesome one nonetheless) by Stephanie Quilao (http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/) and it has really inspired me to start blogging again.

i have had many blogs in my lifetime.
Here they are, in order of starting date..
http://kittykatie.spaces.live.com/
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=51078795
http://in-thedeep.livejournal.com/
aaand this one.
(i also had a diaryland.com diary, but i don't think i even used it!)

so yes.. brief introduction on me, if i'm actually going to take this blog thing seriously.

My name is Katie, and i'm 17 years old.
I live in Australia and I go to a private all-girls school, which i absolutely hate! but i'm exactly 60 days away from finishing year 12, which is rather exciting! :)
I've had issues with food and body image since I was 14, and I'm hoping that (as I've seen from many other bloggers) blogging will help me through my journey of overcoming it.

Hoping to meet many people along the way too :)
This should be fun.