coping

I have never been too good with coping in the right way.
my mentor at Reach once asked me how i cope with stress... i thought about for a minute, and then i said 'I don't.'

I really don't know how to cope.
And right now, in the midst of my breakup, it's really showing.

Here are some coping mechanisms I have been using:

• Stealing - I've stolen quite a bit from various stores to compensate for lack of money... and the feeling of the rush, and 'hell, i can do whatever i want'
• Losing weight - yeah i haven't been eating much, but not really on purpose... just because i've been feeling so shit
• Drugs - in the absence of alcohol, i smoked a joint because I felt like it
• Alcohol - that's a massive one for me. most of the time I'm looking forward to the weekend because I just want to get absolutely fucked off my face
• Hook ups - kissing a lot of different people is really fun and awesome :D

it makes me feel so good at the time... but when i think about all this shit later... i feel so bad about myself.

The worst thing is, the last thing on the list has backfired.

All the other things don't directly affect anyone... but I became involved with one of the guys I hooked up with... and, i feel so bad, because he's so innocent and i know i'm just using him to cope... not because i really want him :(

i've fucked up so bad.

im sposed to stay at his house on sunday, but i explained everything to him and i've decided im gonna go home after the party instead of going to his. i'm such a horrible person for this, now i'm going to fix it.

i have to cope on my own.

at least i havent had the urge to self-harm... thats a definite upside.

inspired

First off, thanks for the comments i received on my last post, i'm very grateful to have you guys behind me whatever happens. that's one of the reasons i love blogging, it's like a community where we share thoughts and feelings and also encouragement and comfort. thank you.

after i wrote that post last night, i had a good long think about what i really want.
i know i want to be happy, but what will it take?
i thought back to the books i'd been reading recently.
The Dark Heavens by Kyle Chan -a great series about a martial arts taoist God... i love these books, they inspire me so much to think about my life and things I face every day. And they inspire recovery every time I read them.
i also picked up some meditation books i got from the library earlier that day and had a read.
with all this fantasy and 'deeper self' stuff stuck in my head, i've put some NON weight related goals into my head to fulfill one of my 2010 resolutions- Nurture my body, mind and soul.

• Learn to meditate. Very useful skill for relaxation and self-discovery.
• Learn Tai Chi, for a similar reason, and also coz I think it would be awesome :)
• Build up my cardio stamina. I'm reasonably unfit, my body deserves better than to feel sluggish all the time.
• Get muscle - i want a strong body that can handle anything life throws at it!
• Feed my need for knowledge.. read, listen, do, learn.
• Feed my passions -practice guitar more, learn that anime song on piano again, draw, write.
• Nourish my body with healthy foods in moderation.

I really, honestly want to give my body what it deserves, strength, health and stability. My main drawback is that I'm really impatient. This stuff doesn't come overnight.. i need to remember that. Maybe i'll keep coming back to this blog.

I'm a bit apprehensive about the exercise part, because of how obsessed I can get... but for my body to build muscle and strength I need to feed it right, and I think that will help me get healthy, mind-wise. Starvation doesn't lead to health, I know that. 

I think, all this will make me feel good about my body, in the end. I want to be proud of how healthy, beautiful and strong it is. I want to love me for good reasons. I want to enjoy life.

I want this.

2010 resolutions

1. Take opportunities for growth and happiness.
2. Nurture my body, mind and soul.
3. Spend quality time with those I love and miss.
4. Gain knowledge and skills.
5. Save money.
6. See some of the world.

I like them, do you?

all or nothing

first of all, can anybody tell me how i can get notified of comments?
i always tend to have to go into my blog and check.
i just want one of those things like on myspace where it's like "new comments!"
ha, i'm lazy.

i decided that this whole 'losing weight slowly and healthily' thing was just a load of BS.
it was TOO slow, and i gave up and binged. it's all or nothing for me.
starting next monday, i will be fasting and restricting for summer.
shouldn't be hard at all, considering i won't have exams to worry about and i can be anywhere and do whatever i want :)
can't wait til freedom.
the only thing that sucks about the upcoming freedom is it has to be summer.
i HATE summer.
i despise it.
Here's a list why:

1. It's too hot to exercise, let alone MOVE

2. I get all sweaty and look like a bloated tomato

3. I have to wear clothes that reveal my fat-ness.

4. I break down a lot because of my lack of decent-looking clothing options

5. Clothes shopping is depressing, especially with...

6. BIKINIS!!!!!!!!

7. Can't eat soups :(

8. Having sex is exhausting and makes you all gross and sticky (and not for a good reason)

9. Sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend is hard because he is a human furnace

10. People don't hug as much :( i love hugs :(

11. I hate icypoles, so when I'm hot i have to resort to icky Ice cream that melts everywhere and makes you stickier than summer sex

12. Makes me crave ice cream more.

13. CBF SUNSCREENING

14. ...and that leads to painful sunburn

15. You have to wear sunglasses and they slide off your nose and get annoying

17. My eye makeup (my trademark) sweats off

18. Having to deal with questions about why I like to wear tshirts and boardies over my bathers (fat stomach and scars on my legs)

19. The Beach! (bikinis + icky sand + salty water = PISSED OFF KATIE)

20. People always want to go out for fish and chips, which usually leads to B/P

21. Salads get boring after a while

22. Did I mention looking like a bloated tomato?

23. Can't do one of my favourite past-times, walking to Frankston, because of the heat

24. Too many BUGS! (i have a phobia of all insects)

25. Lack of sleep due to trying to kill all the aforementioned bugs

26. Being woken up by a buzzing mosquito just as I'm about to fall asleep!

27. Dresses. YUCK.

28. Have to show my fat arms.

29. BUGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSS

30. Lack of motivation because of the stupid heat.

31. Winter coldness burns more calories.


Enough said?
Even so, here are some upsides that will benefit me this summer:

1. Too hot to heat fatty foods (aka chocolate, pasta, curries etc)
2. Excuse to just eat salads, it's too hot for anything else!
3. Cold water to boost metabolism
4. Yummy low-calorie fruit.
5. BOOST FRUIT SMOOOOTHIES when going out for lunch. once again, too hot for anything else.

chyeah. and that's about it as far as the good bits of summer goes.
so NOT looking forward to it.

NOTE TO SELF: this is not the time to be writing blogs, go study for your exams tomorrow!