Reflections on 2009

It's that time of year, where I hop on to myspace to share my life with anyone who gives a fuck. And to tell you the truth, I don't think that includes many at all.

Myspace is shit, but it's my tradition. Facebook is too open, too much family to write an intimate blog post. So now, I will continue this tradition here on this blog, in an unedited version for all except my family and friends to see.

Before I start, here are my previous reflections on Myspace.
2006 (1)

2006

2007

2008
So, here I go.

School - Ah, year 12. Best year ever. Not. This year was intense. We lived in the common room, bitching over the stereo with the other group next to us, and bitching about everyone within our own friendship group. Yes, we girls looove to bitch. It's not surprising though- with all the shit going on it was hard to keep my mouth shut. Highlights of school this year include: My panic attack 5 minutes before my English SAC (because I found out I had to eat that day), the awesome drugged up parties, being left out of stuff a lot, leaning over the toilet bowl and sticking my fingers down my throat, and feeling like a fucking dumb shit. Surprisingly, I came out of the rubble that was year 12 with an ENTER of 90.45. I don't know how I did it, so don't ask. I'm just glad it's over.

Friends - Fuck friends. I was actually going to stop there, but I have more to add on the subject. Yeah, sure, friends are okay. But they aren't there forever. At least not for me. I haven't got best friends anymore, I just don't trust anyone enough. I like the company of certain people, but I find its best not to get too close, because I'll just get hurt, like the billions of times this year. Thanks guys (particularly girls), for ditching me in favour of ecstasy, marijuana and everything that is a lot more fun than me.

Love - Once again, not much to say, except that it's not as simple as I thought it would be. Love is complicated. And when it hurts you, it hurts bad. Another surprise (a lot of surprises in 09) is that the boy is still with me. We already had our first fight of 2010, so I don't think it's going to be for much longer. I don't know what I'll do when he's gone.

Home - Mmm, home. This year was troublesome, what with year 12 going on and all. Mum once again became my worst enemy. And so did my mind. I began to diet and had a semester-long fling with Bulimia, which I'm not proud of and I've pushed that out of my life, for now. Unfortunately, a few anti-depressants and a shrink can't fix everything, and I battled depression and anxiety throughout the year, causing me to be unable to focus on school. It drove my parents insane. All I can say to them is, thanks for putting up with me, no one else would have.

Future - Thanks to my miraculously high ENTER score, I can hopefully achieve my goal of becoming a psychologist. Yeah, shut up, I know it's ironic. But I want to ensure that no child or teenager EVER has to go through what I have for the past two years. I'm extremely pumped to start my six year course at Uni to become a Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychologist, I believe it will be a beginning to an amazing journey of self discovery and knowledge of all things mental.

Not my best piece of writing, but I had 4 hours of sleep last night and I'm not feeling my best. Here's to hoping that 2010 will be at least a better year than 2009.

Love to all.

health at every size + my school results

so, i didn't realise i was so passionate about this issue, until my mum and dad started talking about my uncle and aunt.

they are both obese, and have a very unhealthy lifestyle.

but recently, my uncle especially, has been losing weight healthily by running and eating healthier food.

good on him, i say.

but this isn't what annoyed me.

my mum and dad always rave about how he's doing so well to lose the weight.

lose the weight, lose the weight, lose the weight.

ugh.

so i asked mum why they had the lose weight,

and mum went on a rant about how fat = unhealthy and to be healthy you have to be at a 'normal' weight.

this made me really angry, and i brought up health at every size.

mum said it was bullshit.

then i got more angry, because she was all like 'if you're fat you're unhealthy, it doesn't matter if you eat healthy, you're still fat which means unhealthy'.

i just dont know what to say to that.

sure, i know that diabetics lose weight to get healthy, and sure, there's nothing wrong with people with health problems being told to lose weight... but, the mentality is that FAT = UNHEALTHY.

even if the person in question happens to be completely healthy on the inside, if they're fat, they're automatically considered unhealthy because of those bad connotations.

ugh. it just pissed me off more than i thought it would.

my parents are so closed minded.

however, i have some good news. :)

yesterday morning at 7am, i received my ENTER. 

for those of you who don't know what that is, in Victoria Australia, the ENTER is a ranking of academic performance up to 100.

i needed 87 to get into my dream course - Psychology at Deakin Uni.

i was expecting about an 80 - 85, what with my depression/anxiety/ED/grandma dying etc.

but to my pleasant surprise, my score was 90.45

New Car, my parent's undying love and Deakin, here i come!!

fat people

don't be hatin' when you read the title.
this isn't a fat-bashing blog.

come to think of it, why does fat have such negative meanings attached to it?
everyone has fat.
fat keeps us alive. we need it.

it seems i'm continually inspired, and today i was inspired by a lovely lady called Lizzie, who writes the blog, "Diary of a Fat Teenager".
at first i was intrigued. now i am amazed.
this girl has such a healthy attitude towards her body, and she weighs around 100 pounds more than I do!

what i've realised is, it's not your size that makes you confident.
it's your attitude to it.
it's not being fat that makes people unhappy. it's the thought process.
like i learnt in CBT.

i used to think that i'd rather be skinny and unhappy, than be fat and happy.
but hell, i think i'd rather be fat and happy!
if i didn't view the fat as a bad thing, and i had as much confidence as Lizzie, man, i could rock that fat.
but i could never be like that.
i don't think that it's because i CHOOSE not to, i think that it's just the way i am.
i've tried to view my body as beautiful, and it just doesnt GOD DAMN WORK.
i'm pretty jealous of the gift Lizzie has for positivity and love for her body.

i guess people with eating disorders only ever talk about fat when they say "omg im so fat ew" or "that has soooooo much fat in it".
and it makes us look like fat-bashers.
but i don't think that's the case for the majority.
i don't hate fat people.
i have a couple of friends who are fat-bashers and do it openly on myspace.
and i think it's disgusting.
i have fat friends who i think are beautiful.
it just sucks i can't see my own self as beautiful.

that's my thoughts for the day.
oh btw, i totally aced my photography exam ;)
i reckon i coulda got full marks :D

ive got my legal exam in two and a half hours. wish me luck!
x

inside my head

today was a mildy good study day,
i was productive up until mid day, which is extremely good for me.
i think and hope i can get a reasonable mark on my exams on wednesday.

otherwise, today was shit.
i ate too much, as i sit here i want to purge, but i know how gross it is to purge pasta.
but, actually, maybe i will do it. hmm.
it will make me feel better.
i should do it.
but i shouldnt.

okay, let's map this out.
K "i shouldn't purge because it doesn't make me lose weight anyway, and David will be upset"
ED "it will make you feel better"
K "it'll put bags under my eyes and make me feel like shit, and i will feel shitter if i fail at it."
ED "yes but it will empty your stomach and you won't feel so full"
K "it'll go away soon"
ED "why not get rid of it now?"
K "that's counterproductive. i'm trying to get rid of bulimia. and i've been doing so well at it"
ED "it's only one time. come on, do it, it'll be quick and painless"
K "i'll get addicted, and i won't be able to stop again. i'll start binging and purging all the time. the first time i tried i told myself i'd do it occasionally but it turned into every day. i GAINED weight. this is no way to go"
ED "you can have control this time. just purge when you are forced to eat, starve the rest of the time"
K "how about i just start dieting after exams. it's too distracting now"
ED "you're always dieting anyway. if you don't diet you'll binge, and feel crap, and not be able to do exams. just fucking purge already!"
K "it can't be too bad"
ED "yeah, you know you want to do it"
K "just this once? you promise?"
ED "just this once! it'll be fine. i promise you. and you'll feel better"
K "okay."

looks like i failed on this one.
off to shower.


EDIT: 
ED "told you it'd make you feel better ;)"

keeping it together

to reply to liana, i plan on getting fucking wasted when i finish exams on friday :)
infact i've got an 18th that night. :D

now this morning i had to stop myself short.
my goal for today was 600 calories.
but no. i can't let myself fall that easily into starvation mode, so early in my weight loss.
right now, my goal is centred around 1000 calories.
i'm making a rule that i have to keep within 900 -1100 until i get to my first goal, 52kg.
then, i'll decide what happens next.

the urge to starve grips you so easily.
it's not happening fast enough -therefore, i must lower my intake.
ahhh NO. i've got to keep my head.
because i am in control this time.

now to go make myself some lunch :)

porridge and OCD

beginning to think i may actually have OCD.

but only with my eating disorder.

all i think about is food, and being thin, and exercise, and food...

to the point where i HAVE to look at thinspiration, HAVE to read through a whole three year ED blog (sad!) and HAVE to look up weight loss to get me to stop thinking so much about it!

obsessions that lead to compulsions.

that stop me from studying, and doing anything else for that matter.

or are eating disorders just another form of OCD... to do with food?

a final observation:

schoolwork is like porridge in the microwave.

if you leave it alone for ten seconds, it overflows all over the place.

best.day.ever.

last night i got my period.

*BIG SIGH OF RELIEF*

:) so so soooo happy.
except i now have the headaches and stomach cramps and tiredness associated with it.
it took only a few hours to get me complaining about it.
hehe.

english exam went well today.
the prompts were really hard, but i managed.
hopefully i got a good score. *crossed fingers*

i also got to see the boy today :)
i'm falling in love more and more each day. its almost 3 years, and we're hopefully going to the city for new years.
we're going to go out for dinner, which we've NEVER done in our whole relationship! can you believe that? i just think it would be weird, considering my problems.
but hey, im willing to try it. hopefully it will go well.
anyway, im so excited for schoolies. we get our own master bedroom with a spa bath in the ensuite :)
teehee, erotic bubble bath anyone?

awakened

so after a period of recess, i've come back.
and seen that i had two comments! wow someone read my blog :)
that motivates me to keep going.
thank you Arielle for the comment.. it's what i really needed to hear right now.
ooh and thank you anonymous for the website, it's a tough contender against "thinspiration" and i have some new pictures to go in my folder of gorgeous women.

so, update... since i've been gone, i have
- gained weight (ironic, since i was on a "diet")
- stopped dieting and have begun eating whatever i want, with the comfort i can lose weight after exams finish
- finished school forever
- had my valedictory
- gotten insanely drunk dressed at snow white
- played the sims 2 excessively to distract me from my Teta's death AND
- had multiple fights with my ex-principal, boyfriend and my mum.

What a month.

also, i didn't take my anti-depressants for a week, and my mum copped one of my rage black outs. so did my ex-principal. she was a bitch anyway.

i am really bad with pills.
which has got me into a bit of a tiff.
i failed to take my oral contraceptive pill for a few days last week, and my period is one day late.
I'm a self-diagnosed hypochondriac (oh, irony?) and this is causing me a lot of distress.
ive been googling pregnancy, amenorrhea and abortion all day to keep my anxiety at bay, and its not working.
my only consolation is that this has happened to me and a few of my friends before and they and i havent been pregnant. it could be stress, tiredness and whatnot. but argh...
im just fucking scared.
any advice for a 17 year old hypochondriac who thinks she's pregnant on the brink of year 12 exams?
hears to hoping i'll get my period tomorrow and start complaining about it because i hate it so much.

(not quite) holidays

it's saturday, and i just finished another hectic term of year 12.
although it's the 'holidays', it's pretty much a study break.. and the second week is full of practise exams at school... can't wait til this is over!

on the bright side, i found a good pair of jeans!

i HATE jeans, mostly because of the Bardot stereotypical so-low-you-can-see-my-butt-crack and  so-tiny-my-hips-look-like-extra-boobs jeans. i've been living in leggings, as they accomodate my body shape much better.
but i have no reason to be afraid of jeans anymore, because i got some GRAB jeans.. they are high rise, so NO butt cracks, and they fit perfectly around my stomach! no more jeans that expect my hips to be the same size as my waist!
i had the hugest smile on my face when i bought them :) yay.
teehee.

i have a party on sunday night, and im wearing a little black dress.
the last time i wore a dress was at my friend's 18th (or before it) and my mum told me it looked too small.. i burst into tears and wore jeans and a hoodie for the night.
so yeah, challenge for me is to wear this dress.

sometimes i think that im more comfortable naked than i am with clothes on!
clothes, as much as i love them, are rediculous.
i'll leave it at that.

laziness

you know what's really disgusting?
until this morning, i hadn't showered for 5 days because I'd been too depressed.
i get sooo incredibly lazy when im in a shit mood.

You can tell my depression is getting really bad when
- i dont exercise
- my room gets very messy
- my hair is oily and/or it hasnt been straightened
- i smell (ha ha)
- i wear hoodies in 30 degree heat
- i sleep 24/7
- the kitchen bench and fridge arent spotless (because im a control freak)

mmm. life in the dumps sucks.

anywho, i just finished a 2,500 character essay on "how my mental illness has impacted my VCE"
sureeee was FUN to write.
i feel exhausted just thinking about it. last year was the worst year of my life, let's never remember it ever again. *moment of respectful silence*

on the bright side, i get to see Karen tomorrow :) she's my psychologist, and i adore her.
i'm thinking i'll tell her about how i almost broke down on the weekend because i tried on a t-shirt. ugh. good story that one. its been like, 2 degrees for the past season and suddenly we had a hot day and i was NOT mentally prepared to wear even slighly exposing clothes. the boy gave me a big hug because i got so uptight about it.
i ended up wearing leggings and a hoodie.
now that's more like it.

slipping

hmm. so today was interesting.
did much better than i thought i was going to do at my English 1984 SAC.
Also, i managed to get through my photography class (we had a party) without binging on chocolate so much that i needed to boff, and also, i didnt think too much about eating chocolate.
the main difference was the lack of anxiety. i felt clear, level-headed.
i think i'm getting there.

I did have a moment though.
after school me and mum went shopping to get ingredients for souvlakis and i spent 10 minutes obsessively trying to find the wraps with the lowest amount of calories that were big enough for a souvlaki.
settled on 110 calorie light wraps... i just couldnt go with the ones that were 30 calories more. nope, not me. couldn't stick with the usual souvlaki wraps that were about 210 calories.
but i guess its one compromise for another...
and the chocolate was a step.
but i dont think ive counted calories that obsessively in a while. ive been trying to avoid it, and ive been doing it well. just had a frenzy moment.

oh wellllll
also.. i should confess that i bought a monster energy drink today because I heard it completely demolishes your appetite. and i was going to try it tomorrow.
i don't think i should. i've been doing so well.
i think i'll talk to the boy about it, i shouldn't be thinking this.

nighty night.

2 down, 3 to go

guess who just finished her final photography SAT?
Oh, you guessed right :)
and that means... no more school-graded photography, ever again!
I am way too tired to be elated right now... but trust me, inside my brain there is a huge smile grin.

anywho.. i just wanted to share my thoughts on last nights dinner.
it was just something strange i observed, that seems to be a pattern for me.
my brother had about a half-palm-sized portion of his hamburger left, and he couldn't finish it.
it looked really incy-wincy to me right then, and I was just like, why dont you eat it? its only two bites.
and then he offered it to me.
and then it seemed like...massive.
and that's when i thought... i don't just see my body size differently, i see food size differently too!
whenever i see someone else eating, say a muesli bar, i'll think its tiny, and they should eat more
but then if i go to eat the same thing, it suddenly seems really big, as in "whoa, half of that will fill me up" type of big.

strange!

i'd like to ask your opinion of this, if you happen to be reading.
am i strange or does this happen to anyone else?