sick

moved to www.methroughtheglass.wordpress.com 

wow.
i only just realised how shit i feel right now.
every time i come to that realisation, it seems to be even worse.
ive hit rock bottom so many times, im wondering how deep this hole can get.

i tried to cut the other night.
i threw up intentionally because i felt bad for this guy ive been screwing around.
i went to buy razors. thankfully, there were none at safeway.

ive been taking diet pills, even though ive hardly been eating.
im happy with the way the weight is dropping off.
i try to avoid food.
i know EXACTLY what im doing to myself, and i cant stop.

i'm fucked. i fucking need to see my psych right now, see if she thinks i can up my dose of Lovan.
i cant take life right now.

i feel sick.

inside my head

today was a mildy good study day,
i was productive up until mid day, which is extremely good for me.
i think and hope i can get a reasonable mark on my exams on wednesday.

otherwise, today was shit.
i ate too much, as i sit here i want to purge, but i know how gross it is to purge pasta.
but, actually, maybe i will do it. hmm.
it will make me feel better.
i should do it.
but i shouldnt.

okay, let's map this out.
K "i shouldn't purge because it doesn't make me lose weight anyway, and David will be upset"
ED "it will make you feel better"
K "it'll put bags under my eyes and make me feel like shit, and i will feel shitter if i fail at it."
ED "yes but it will empty your stomach and you won't feel so full"
K "it'll go away soon"
ED "why not get rid of it now?"
K "that's counterproductive. i'm trying to get rid of bulimia. and i've been doing so well at it"
ED "it's only one time. come on, do it, it'll be quick and painless"
K "i'll get addicted, and i won't be able to stop again. i'll start binging and purging all the time. the first time i tried i told myself i'd do it occasionally but it turned into every day. i GAINED weight. this is no way to go"
ED "you can have control this time. just purge when you are forced to eat, starve the rest of the time"
K "how about i just start dieting after exams. it's too distracting now"
ED "you're always dieting anyway. if you don't diet you'll binge, and feel crap, and not be able to do exams. just fucking purge already!"
K "it can't be too bad"
ED "yeah, you know you want to do it"
K "just this once? you promise?"
ED "just this once! it'll be fine. i promise you. and you'll feel better"
K "okay."

looks like i failed on this one.
off to shower.


EDIT: 
ED "told you it'd make you feel better ;)"

insight

i noticed i have a couple of new followers... and i think it may be because i'm following a blog called "quest for perfection". the writer intrigues me, reminds me somewhat of myself, and it makes me feel less alone in my struggles to read other people's struggles too.

people are entitled to follow me as they please (hey, i've never had followers before this blog, hehe), but i just want everyone to know that i'm not 'pro-ana', as in, i don't like to encourage the anorexia 'lifestyle' and urge people to starve, throw up, take laxatives, overexercise etc. to get thin. i recognise that it is a mental illness, i also recognise that people can 'choose' it, somehow... i did, i guess (big mistakey)... but just don't read me for tips and tricks and thinspo.
any thinspo that i look at is for my eyes only, not for this blog. this blog is just my journey.

Okay all said and done :)
i was reading a blog i've joined called "trying to save her life", its written by a boy who's girlfriend has got an eating disorder. (funnily enough, his girlfriend writes the blog i mentioned before).
i love this, because i rarely get to see the thoughts of my boy in relation to what i do.
i know he hated the throwing up, and hates the starving, but, as with any average boy, he has a hard time expressing his emotions.
so this blog is providing me with some insight into the boy's mind. the link to the blog is on the side bar under 'blogs i like' if you want to check it out.
anyway. he's just started out and in his second entry he mentioned that he cried himself to sleep one night after she told him she threw up.
this is really confronting for me... i usually try to forget that the boy ever did/does that when he's upset. the fact such a trivial action to me, throwing up, could have such a HUGE impact on someone that loves me, is hard to deal with and think about.

i hate upsetting him. and this was motivation enough to end my bulimic behaviours, which have been rare in the past month. i just hope that my recent endeavour to lose weight AGAIN doesn't upset him as much :(

going backwards

i'll be the first to admit that i am absolutely ADDICTED to "thinspiration".
i could look at it for hours.
i also look at my pictures when i was down to 46kg... but its not as good as those thinspiration girls.
this was my lowest weight ... and i didnt even look that skinny!!

my ultimate goal weight was 45kg, and i only ever got down to 46kg.
i ate around 800 calories a day! which is the highest i ever restricted to (usual was up to 300)
and i got to my lowest weight ever.
i want to post pictures of myself when i get to 45. i didnt take enough when i was at 46 :(

i can never let go of the 45kg goal. ever. no matter how much i try to recover, i just cannot forget about it! it lingers in my mind. it escaped from me.. JUST... and i always want it back. i was so close.

i began my journey back down to 45 yesterday. im restricting to 1000 calories and exercising at least 200 off (hopefully) each day.
it will be slower than before, but i WANT it so bad. i will have to wait, but it will be worth it. and ill be just that little bit healthier.

i threw out lasagne today, ate 1/4 for dinner and threw the other 3/4 of my piece away, because my parents weren't home for dinner. i felt powerful. i felt strong.
i exercised 450 calories off today. it felt the same.
i wonder how long i have to go?...

this is so counterproductive... i dont know if i should post here anymore. this blog was supposed to be positive. i dont want to be another anorexia food-tracking blog...
hmm.
i spose this is my journey.

jumbled

i realised i forgot to add labels to my entry yesterday.
that's my perfectionist side talking.

i have a lot on my mind.
it's going to take a lot of training to write blog entries about ONE OR TWO things, because i always think too much.

first thing i want to bring up is my anxiety about writing this blog.
i've had some fair negative experiences in the ED world. the few communities i've been a part of that are supposed to "support" me in my recovery ... well, lets just say that the ED world is prejudice, and nasty.
for example, apparently i'm not allowed to personalise my ED and name it.
also, i'm not allowed to say that 300 calories is a binge.
i'm not allowed to say that i want to be thin, and thats the cause of my disorder.
just a few things i want to get some perspective on.
here's my two cents:
- i'm allowed to call my ED whatever the hell i want. if i want to call her 'ana' or
Ed, or Katrina, and you want to call me 'wannarexic', then go nuts, starvation is obviously driving you to bitch-hood. for everyone's information, detatching an eating disorder so that it is separate from the body is a very effective way of getting rid of it.
- 300 calories may seem HUGE to anyone! you can't call it eating 'normally'. no one eats normally. and eating 300 calories in lightening speed and then feeling guilty afterwards could definately be classified as a binge. a short one, but a binge. (look up the definition)
- now the thinness.. is not something im sure about. i KNOW i want to be thin, and thats what drove me into this. but apparently eating disorders arent about being thin... i dont really know what to think.

classifications and definitions and standards... are all bitches.

second thing thats weighing on my mind is recovery.
one thing i'm certain of, is that i HATE the bulimic side of my ED. that's the only reason i went for self-recovery. because i hated the binging and purging. plus, it was making me fat.
but now i'm being 'strong', and i've cut off bulimia for a while now ( two weeks haha)... i dont seem to want to get rid of the controlling, perfectionist, anorexic side of my ED.
thoughts about the monster, and my lack of a substaining lunch today.. just seem appealing, rather than revolting. 1200 calories seems massive to me right now. yet its supposed to be my minimum intake.

oops, times up. school is looming ahead.
this blog will be continued, with more about depression and lack of wanting to do stuff.