Today, over Facebook, I found out my Teta (Grandma in Arabic) died last night.
My initial reaction was shock.
Then disbelief.
Then I called my mum (who is in Egypt) to see if she was okay.
Then I broke down.
Now, 6 hours later I sit here with a sliced up apple and a tub of light crunchy peanut butter (hey, my current binge food of choice could be worse) wondering. "why do I feel so shit?"
I'm a fan of self-exploration. When something is wrong, I don't necessarily need to fix it, but i need to understand it. And that's when I googled the stages of grief.
Here's how I'm at. (I went through quite quickly)..
Stage 1 -Denial/Isolation/Shock
I think this stage was mostly shock for me. Considering I found out over a Facebook status update, this was fairly predictable. This lasted about 10 minutes.
Stage 2 -Anger
I don't think I was very angry. I was more disappointed at the fact that this had to happen now, before my year 12 exams, and while not all my aunties and uncles were all together again, gathered around my Teta as a family. Out of 6 siblings including my mum, the last two are currently on a flight over there and will find their Mother dead. Fate is cruel.
Stage 3 -Bargaining
I didn't bargain, as such. I moreso tried to 'justify' it in my own head. She sees us now, from Heaven. Wherever she is, she can see her family. I really hope she can. I want her to see how much they love her.
Stage 4 -Depression/Guilt
This is where I'm at now. The answer to my question. Why do I feel so shit? Because this is a normal part of grief. It's normal to feel depressed. It just so happens that I suffer from depression, so this additional grief can't be good for my seratonin levels. I'm hoping the apple and peanut butter will help.
Stage 5 -Acceptance
I'd say I'm close to acceptance. Or maybe I'm already there. But I still feel depressed, so I can't tell if I've crossed between the two stages, or if I'm still unaccepting of my Teta's death.
I'm thinking the second one, because I'm tearing up right now. This is my cue to leave.
Rest In Peace Suzanne Bale.
Ana Bahebak Awi.
Always.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
body confidence
Lizzie Miller is a plus-sized model, who appeared in Glamour magazine recently. Click here for the article about the image. Moving on, i'm not going to elaborate on the issues that this beautiful woman has brought up in today's society, there's been enough rant about it.
What i want to talk about is the astonishing comments this photograph has recieved from the public. Particularly men (excluding those men who have enough decency to recognise real beauty). There have been numerous amounts of men complaining that this woman is fat, and ugly and i quote "her bellybutton is big enough to fist". Naturally, my first reaction to those men is FUCK YOU. Turns out many other women had the same reaction as me, fighting back with fierce passion about how beauty comes in every size, how paintings of women in the 15th century depicted soft, round women, how women shouldn't be pressured into being stick thin, and how size 12 is NOT plus sized, and certainly not fat!
I find it very interesting how ready and willing these women (including myself) are to defend our bodies and defend our dignity. And i ask, why can't we say these things to ourselves? I know when I feel down, and rather crap about my body, calling myself fat and gross, the last thing on my mind is to dispute that feeling. I do not look myself in the eye and say "hey, you're not fat. you're a sexy, beautiful woman, just like how you should be. men love your curves. get out and flaunt it". Yet, we are so passionate about defending our bodies in the face of outside criticism.
Just a thought.
I've started a new folder on my computer -alongside my "thinspiration" folder (which I, admittedly, do not plan on deleting anytime soon) -that is devoted to healthy-looking, sexy women, with body types that I would like to aspire to, and CAN aspire to. The two photographs I have in this folder are the one pictured above of the lovely Lizzie Miller, and the deliciously curvy Marilyn Monroe.
Cheers, women, to body confidence!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
tables
oh yes, they have turned.
so i've been invited to 4 18ths in total this week.
i'm feeling kind of.. loved.
but also worried.
because i don't think my parents will let me go... im supposed to be locked up studying.
but i REALLY want to go out, see my friends, make new ones. be a teenager.
let LOOSE for once.
or twice.. or three times.
i want to break free.
on another note, my AWESOME NEW RED GLASSES are ready :) i go pick them up tomorrow from Cazza D and then i get to actually look decent in my specs :)
thank you Versus, thank you.
my brother and my mum are playing spot-the-difference on facebook.
i play spot the difference in my own life.
right now i can tell the difference between the "fixed" me and this me i'm stuck with now.
i think... i'm over that stage, that vicious cycle, and now i just want to go down again.
counting
counting
counting.
so i've been invited to 4 18ths in total this week.
i'm feeling kind of.. loved.
but also worried.
because i don't think my parents will let me go... im supposed to be locked up studying.
but i REALLY want to go out, see my friends, make new ones. be a teenager.
let LOOSE for once.
or twice.. or three times.
i want to break free.
on another note, my AWESOME NEW RED GLASSES are ready :) i go pick them up tomorrow from Cazza D and then i get to actually look decent in my specs :)
thank you Versus, thank you.
my brother and my mum are playing spot-the-difference on facebook.
i play spot the difference in my own life.
right now i can tell the difference between the "fixed" me and this me i'm stuck with now.
i think... i'm over that stage, that vicious cycle, and now i just want to go down again.
counting
counting
counting.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
(not quite) holidays
it's saturday, and i just finished another hectic term of year 12.
although it's the 'holidays', it's pretty much a study break.. and the second week is full of practise exams at school... can't wait til this is over!
on the bright side, i found a good pair of jeans!
i HATE jeans, mostly because of the Bardot stereotypical so-low-you-can-see-my-butt-crack and so-tiny-my-hips-look-like-extra-boobs jeans. i've been living in leggings, as they accomodate my body shape much better.
but i have no reason to be afraid of jeans anymore, because i got some GRAB jeans.. they are high rise, so NO butt cracks, and they fit perfectly around my stomach! no more jeans that expect my hips to be the same size as my waist!
i had the hugest smile on my face when i bought them :) yay.
teehee.
i have a party on sunday night, and im wearing a little black dress.
the last time i wore a dress was at my friend's 18th (or before it) and my mum told me it looked too small.. i burst into tears and wore jeans and a hoodie for the night.
so yeah, challenge for me is to wear this dress.
sometimes i think that im more comfortable naked than i am with clothes on!
clothes, as much as i love them, are rediculous.
i'll leave it at that.
although it's the 'holidays', it's pretty much a study break.. and the second week is full of practise exams at school... can't wait til this is over!
on the bright side, i found a good pair of jeans!
i HATE jeans, mostly because of the Bardot stereotypical so-low-you-can-see-my-butt-crack and so-tiny-my-hips-look-like-extra-boobs jeans. i've been living in leggings, as they accomodate my body shape much better.
but i have no reason to be afraid of jeans anymore, because i got some GRAB jeans.. they are high rise, so NO butt cracks, and they fit perfectly around my stomach! no more jeans that expect my hips to be the same size as my waist!
i had the hugest smile on my face when i bought them :) yay.
teehee.
i have a party on sunday night, and im wearing a little black dress.
the last time i wore a dress was at my friend's 18th (or before it) and my mum told me it looked too small.. i burst into tears and wore jeans and a hoodie for the night.
so yeah, challenge for me is to wear this dress.
sometimes i think that im more comfortable naked than i am with clothes on!
clothes, as much as i love them, are rediculous.
i'll leave it at that.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
laziness
you know what's really disgusting?
until this morning, i hadn't showered for 5 days because I'd been too depressed.
i get sooo incredibly lazy when im in a shit mood.
You can tell my depression is getting really bad when
- i dont exercise
- my room gets very messy
- my hair is oily and/or it hasnt been straightened
- i smell (ha ha)
- i wear hoodies in 30 degree heat
- i sleep 24/7
- the kitchen bench and fridge arent spotless (because im a control freak)
mmm. life in the dumps sucks.
anywho, i just finished a 2,500 character essay on "how my mental illness has impacted my VCE"
sureeee was FUN to write.
i feel exhausted just thinking about it. last year was the worst year of my life, let's never remember it ever again. *moment of respectful silence*
on the bright side, i get to see Karen tomorrow :) she's my psychologist, and i adore her.
i'm thinking i'll tell her about how i almost broke down on the weekend because i tried on a t-shirt. ugh. good story that one. its been like, 2 degrees for the past season and suddenly we had a hot day and i was NOT mentally prepared to wear even slighly exposing clothes. the boy gave me a big hug because i got so uptight about it.
i ended up wearing leggings and a hoodie.
now that's more like it.
until this morning, i hadn't showered for 5 days because I'd been too depressed.
i get sooo incredibly lazy when im in a shit mood.
You can tell my depression is getting really bad when
- i dont exercise
- my room gets very messy
- my hair is oily and/or it hasnt been straightened
- i smell (ha ha)
- i wear hoodies in 30 degree heat
- i sleep 24/7
- the kitchen bench and fridge arent spotless (because im a control freak)
mmm. life in the dumps sucks.
anywho, i just finished a 2,500 character essay on "how my mental illness has impacted my VCE"
sureeee was FUN to write.
i feel exhausted just thinking about it. last year was the worst year of my life, let's never remember it ever again. *moment of respectful silence*
on the bright side, i get to see Karen tomorrow :) she's my psychologist, and i adore her.
i'm thinking i'll tell her about how i almost broke down on the weekend because i tried on a t-shirt. ugh. good story that one. its been like, 2 degrees for the past season and suddenly we had a hot day and i was NOT mentally prepared to wear even slighly exposing clothes. the boy gave me a big hug because i got so uptight about it.
i ended up wearing leggings and a hoodie.
now that's more like it.
jumbled
i realised i forgot to add labels to my entry yesterday.
that's my perfectionist side talking.
i have a lot on my mind.
it's going to take a lot of training to write blog entries about ONE OR TWO things, because i always think too much.
first thing i want to bring up is my anxiety about writing this blog.
i've had some fair negative experiences in the ED world. the few communities i've been a part of that are supposed to "support" me in my recovery ... well, lets just say that the ED world is prejudice, and nasty.
for example, apparently i'm not allowed to personalise my ED and name it.
also, i'm not allowed to say that 300 calories is a binge.
i'm not allowed to say that i want to be thin, and thats the cause of my disorder.
just a few things i want to get some perspective on.
here's my two cents:
- i'm allowed to call my ED whatever the hell i want. if i want to call her 'ana' or
Ed, or Katrina, and you want to call me 'wannarexic', then go nuts, starvation is obviously driving you to bitch-hood. for everyone's information, detatching an eating disorder so that it is separate from the body is a very effective way of getting rid of it.
- 300 calories may seem HUGE to anyone! you can't call it eating 'normally'. no one eats normally. and eating 300 calories in lightening speed and then feeling guilty afterwards could definately be classified as a binge. a short one, but a binge. (look up the definition)
- now the thinness.. is not something im sure about. i KNOW i want to be thin, and thats what drove me into this. but apparently eating disorders arent about being thin... i dont really know what to think.
classifications and definitions and standards... are all bitches.
second thing thats weighing on my mind is recovery.
one thing i'm certain of, is that i HATE the bulimic side of my ED. that's the only reason i went for self-recovery. because i hated the binging and purging. plus, it was making me fat.
but now i'm being 'strong', and i've cut off bulimia for a while now ( two weeks haha)... i dont seem to want to get rid of the controlling, perfectionist, anorexic side of my ED.
thoughts about the monster, and my lack of a substaining lunch today.. just seem appealing, rather than revolting. 1200 calories seems massive to me right now. yet its supposed to be my minimum intake.
oops, times up. school is looming ahead.
this blog will be continued, with more about depression and lack of wanting to do stuff.
that's my perfectionist side talking.
i have a lot on my mind.
it's going to take a lot of training to write blog entries about ONE OR TWO things, because i always think too much.
first thing i want to bring up is my anxiety about writing this blog.
i've had some fair negative experiences in the ED world. the few communities i've been a part of that are supposed to "support" me in my recovery ... well, lets just say that the ED world is prejudice, and nasty.
for example, apparently i'm not allowed to personalise my ED and name it.
also, i'm not allowed to say that 300 calories is a binge.
i'm not allowed to say that i want to be thin, and thats the cause of my disorder.
just a few things i want to get some perspective on.
here's my two cents:
- i'm allowed to call my ED whatever the hell i want. if i want to call her 'ana' or
Ed, or Katrina, and you want to call me 'wannarexic', then go nuts, starvation is obviously driving you to bitch-hood. for everyone's information, detatching an eating disorder so that it is separate from the body is a very effective way of getting rid of it.
- 300 calories may seem HUGE to anyone! you can't call it eating 'normally'. no one eats normally. and eating 300 calories in lightening speed and then feeling guilty afterwards could definately be classified as a binge. a short one, but a binge. (look up the definition)
- now the thinness.. is not something im sure about. i KNOW i want to be thin, and thats what drove me into this. but apparently eating disorders arent about being thin... i dont really know what to think.
classifications and definitions and standards... are all bitches.
second thing thats weighing on my mind is recovery.
one thing i'm certain of, is that i HATE the bulimic side of my ED. that's the only reason i went for self-recovery. because i hated the binging and purging. plus, it was making me fat.
but now i'm being 'strong', and i've cut off bulimia for a while now ( two weeks haha)... i dont seem to want to get rid of the controlling, perfectionist, anorexic side of my ED.
thoughts about the monster, and my lack of a substaining lunch today.. just seem appealing, rather than revolting. 1200 calories seems massive to me right now. yet its supposed to be my minimum intake.
oops, times up. school is looming ahead.
this blog will be continued, with more about depression and lack of wanting to do stuff.
Monday, September 14, 2009
slipping
hmm. so today was interesting.
did much better than i thought i was going to do at my English 1984 SAC.
Also, i managed to get through my photography class (we had a party) without binging on chocolate so much that i needed to boff, and also, i didnt think too much about eating chocolate.
the main difference was the lack of anxiety. i felt clear, level-headed.
i think i'm getting there.
I did have a moment though.
after school me and mum went shopping to get ingredients for souvlakis and i spent 10 minutes obsessively trying to find the wraps with the lowest amount of calories that were big enough for a souvlaki.
settled on 110 calorie light wraps... i just couldnt go with the ones that were 30 calories more. nope, not me. couldn't stick with the usual souvlaki wraps that were about 210 calories.
but i guess its one compromise for another...
and the chocolate was a step.
but i dont think ive counted calories that obsessively in a while. ive been trying to avoid it, and ive been doing it well. just had a frenzy moment.
oh wellllll
also.. i should confess that i bought a monster energy drink today because I heard it completely demolishes your appetite. and i was going to try it tomorrow.
i don't think i should. i've been doing so well.
i think i'll talk to the boy about it, i shouldn't be thinking this.
nighty night.
did much better than i thought i was going to do at my English 1984 SAC.
Also, i managed to get through my photography class (we had a party) without binging on chocolate so much that i needed to boff, and also, i didnt think too much about eating chocolate.
the main difference was the lack of anxiety. i felt clear, level-headed.
i think i'm getting there.
I did have a moment though.
after school me and mum went shopping to get ingredients for souvlakis and i spent 10 minutes obsessively trying to find the wraps with the lowest amount of calories that were big enough for a souvlaki.
settled on 110 calorie light wraps... i just couldnt go with the ones that were 30 calories more. nope, not me. couldn't stick with the usual souvlaki wraps that were about 210 calories.
but i guess its one compromise for another...
and the chocolate was a step.
but i dont think ive counted calories that obsessively in a while. ive been trying to avoid it, and ive been doing it well. just had a frenzy moment.
oh wellllll
also.. i should confess that i bought a monster energy drink today because I heard it completely demolishes your appetite. and i was going to try it tomorrow.
i don't think i should. i've been doing so well.
i think i'll talk to the boy about it, i shouldn't be thinking this.
nighty night.
2 down, 3 to go
guess who just finished her final photography SAT?
Oh, you guessed right :)
and that means... no more school-graded photography, ever again!
I am way too tired to be elated right now... but trust me, inside my brain there is a hugesmile grin.
anywho.. i just wanted to share my thoughts on last nights dinner.
it was just something strange i observed, that seems to be a pattern for me.
my brother had about a half-palm-sized portion of his hamburger left, and he couldn't finish it.
it looked really incy-wincy to me right then, and I was just like, why dont you eat it? its only two bites.
and then he offered it to me.
and then it seemed like...massive.
and that's when i thought... i don't just see my body size differently, i see food size differently too!
whenever i see someone else eating, say a muesli bar, i'll think its tiny, and they should eat more
but then if i go to eat the same thing, it suddenly seems really big, as in "whoa, half of that will fill me up" type of big.
strange!
i'd like to ask your opinion of this, if you happen to be reading.
am i strange or does this happen to anyone else?
Oh, you guessed right :)
and that means... no more school-graded photography, ever again!
I am way too tired to be elated right now... but trust me, inside my brain there is a huge
anywho.. i just wanted to share my thoughts on last nights dinner.
it was just something strange i observed, that seems to be a pattern for me.
my brother had about a half-palm-sized portion of his hamburger left, and he couldn't finish it.
it looked really incy-wincy to me right then, and I was just like, why dont you eat it? its only two bites.
and then he offered it to me.
and then it seemed like...massive.
and that's when i thought... i don't just see my body size differently, i see food size differently too!
whenever i see someone else eating, say a muesli bar, i'll think its tiny, and they should eat more
but then if i go to eat the same thing, it suddenly seems really big, as in "whoa, half of that will fill me up" type of big.
strange!
i'd like to ask your opinion of this, if you happen to be reading.
am i strange or does this happen to anyone else?
Sunday, September 13, 2009
a new beginning
So, i'm beginning my blog journey again.
why?
I've been reading a blog (a retired blog, but an awesome one nonetheless) by Stephanie Quilao (http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/) and it has really inspired me to start blogging again.
i have had many blogs in my lifetime.
Here they are, in order of starting date..
http://kittykatie.spaces.live.com/
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=51078795
http://in-thedeep.livejournal.com/
aaand this one.
(i also had a diaryland.com diary, but i don't think i even used it!)
so yes.. brief introduction on me, if i'm actually going to take this blog thing seriously.
My name is Katie, and i'm 17 years old.
I live in Australia and I go to a private all-girls school, which i absolutely hate! but i'm exactly 60 days away from finishing year 12, which is rather exciting! :)
I've had issues with food and body image since I was 14, and I'm hoping that (as I've seen from many other bloggers) blogging will help me through my journey of overcoming it.
Hoping to meet many people along the way too :)
This should be fun.
why?
I've been reading a blog (a retired blog, but an awesome one nonetheless) by Stephanie Quilao (http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/) and it has really inspired me to start blogging again.
i have had many blogs in my lifetime.
Here they are, in order of starting date..
http://kittykatie.spaces.live.com/
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=51078795
http://in-thedeep.livejournal.com/
aaand this one.
(i also had a diaryland.com diary, but i don't think i even used it!)
so yes.. brief introduction on me, if i'm actually going to take this blog thing seriously.
My name is Katie, and i'm 17 years old.
I live in Australia and I go to a private all-girls school, which i absolutely hate! but i'm exactly 60 days away from finishing year 12, which is rather exciting! :)
I've had issues with food and body image since I was 14, and I'm hoping that (as I've seen from many other bloggers) blogging will help me through my journey of overcoming it.
Hoping to meet many people along the way too :)
This should be fun.
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