i don't know where to turn. where to go.
i can't run.
i can't hide.
everywhere is a dead end.
words can't describe how i'm feeling.
me and the boy are hanging by a thread.
and it's all up to me to strengthen it.
i can't bear to lose him.
we fought the other night.
i made him take me back to his.
he got me a separate doona cover.
he said it was 'wrong' for me to stay at his.
the two covers were the worst.
it hurt, more than anything... more than him telling me that i couldn't have been drunk enough to not notice a kiss coming.
there are so many things i'd take back in a second.
that night, the kiss. the other sunday when i did what i said i would NEVER do, i hit him in the balls.
it was trivial, but a massive blow to US.
these two moments mentally sever me.. to bits..
only now have i realised it not only hurts HIM to be with me, but it also hurts me.
because i hate myself so much for hurting him, yet it would hurt him more if i punished myself.
it hurts me to live with what i have done.
yet it would hurt much more to be separated from the one i love.
that's where the cutting comes in. it would help me deal with the pain of living with myself while i'm still with him. but then i'd have to live with the hurt i cause by doing that.
life is a tedious, vicious cycle.
i'm dangerously lost in it. the boy is the only one i can turn to in such a mess, even though it revolves around him.
all these thoughts would hurt him too.
we made love last night, first time since our fight.
i felt like crying afterwards.
i have ruined us.
we'll never be the same.
i am in so much pain, i don't know what to do anymore.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
cosmopolitan
out of sheer boredom, i bought a cosmo magazine today.
sitting on my ass is not as fun as you may think.
and i was pleasantly surprised.
within the 50 page body love issue,
within the "so you've lost weight, now what?" articles,
within the stick thin model ads,
i found something reminiscent of Lizzie Miller.
i found cellulite, and i found rolls of fat,
and it was beautiful!
i've been leaning more towards body love lately.
i bought myself a new pair of bikinis.
they're red and polka dotty :)
anddd.... i wore them without board shorts.
i haven't worn bathers without boardies since i was a wee kiddo.
this was my biggest accomplishment this year.
and the boy loved my body in them :)
i've had thoughts of bingeing and starvation, i'm leaning more towards starvation.
will i truly look better?
my hope is fading, because my mum doesn't want to get me liposuction on my stomach anymore.
i am afraid i'll have to live with this for ever.
sitting on my ass is not as fun as you may think.
and i was pleasantly surprised.
within the 50 page body love issue,
within the "so you've lost weight, now what?" articles,
within the stick thin model ads,
i found something reminiscent of Lizzie Miller.
i found cellulite, and i found rolls of fat,
and it was beautiful!
i've been leaning more towards body love lately.
i bought myself a new pair of bikinis.
they're red and polka dotty :)
anddd.... i wore them without board shorts.
i haven't worn bathers without boardies since i was a wee kiddo.
this was my biggest accomplishment this year.
and the boy loved my body in them :)
i've had thoughts of bingeing and starvation, i'm leaning more towards starvation.
will i truly look better?
my hope is fading, because my mum doesn't want to get me liposuction on my stomach anymore.
i am afraid i'll have to live with this for ever.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
tonsilitis
don't you just love being sick?
your head feels like its going to explode.
your throat burns.
it kills to swallow anything.
you snap, you're pissed off.
you feel like dying.
but, on the other hand...
you get looked after.
people make you stuff.
that affectionate pat on the head.
you watch movies,
get out of chores.
and, you have excuses to get out of eating solid food.
your head feels like its going to explode.
your throat burns.
it kills to swallow anything.
you snap, you're pissed off.
you feel like dying.
but, on the other hand...
you get looked after.
people make you stuff.
that affectionate pat on the head.
you watch movies,
get out of chores.
and, you have excuses to get out of eating solid food.
Monday, November 16, 2009
another night, another let-down
i feel like he just doesn't want to see me anymore.
he doesnt text me much, and when he does, he doesnt sound happy or anything.
he says he'll see me and then doesn't.
and doesn't let me know at all, until later.
he doesnt answer my calls much either.
am i boring? am i annoying? or am i just.. old news?
i don't know.
and i may be slightly paranoid, but i feel like this is all happening.
and its not in my imagination.
and i know he loves me, but i just can't help feeling hurt.
tonight i got my hopes up to see him, and it's 9pm now, and he hasn't even texted me.
i feel so stupid :(
he doesnt text me much, and when he does, he doesnt sound happy or anything.
he says he'll see me and then doesn't.
and doesn't let me know at all, until later.
he doesnt answer my calls much either.
am i boring? am i annoying? or am i just.. old news?
i don't know.
and i may be slightly paranoid, but i feel like this is all happening.
and its not in my imagination.
and i know he loves me, but i just can't help feeling hurt.
tonight i got my hopes up to see him, and it's 9pm now, and he hasn't even texted me.
i feel so stupid :(
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
fat people
don't be hatin' when you read the title.
this isn't a fat-bashing blog.
come to think of it, why does fat have such negative meanings attached to it?
everyone has fat.
fat keeps us alive. we need it.
it seems i'm continually inspired, and today i was inspired by a lovely lady called Lizzie, who writes the blog, "Diary of a Fat Teenager".
at first i was intrigued. now i am amazed.
this girl has such a healthy attitude towards her body, and she weighs around 100 pounds more than I do!
what i've realised is, it's not your size that makes you confident.
it's your attitude to it.
it's not being fat that makes people unhappy. it's the thought process.
like i learnt in CBT.
i used to think that i'd rather be skinny and unhappy, than be fat and happy.
but hell, i think i'd rather be fat and happy!
if i didn't view the fat as a bad thing, and i had as much confidence as Lizzie, man, i could rock that fat.
but i could never be like that.
i don't think that it's because i CHOOSE not to, i think that it's just the way i am.
i've tried to view my body as beautiful, and it just doesnt GOD DAMN WORK.
i'm pretty jealous of the gift Lizzie has for positivity and love for her body.
i guess people with eating disorders only ever talk about fat when they say "omg im so fat ew" or "that has soooooo much fat in it".
and it makes us look like fat-bashers.
but i don't think that's the case for the majority.
i don't hate fat people.
i have a couple of friends who are fat-bashers and do it openly on myspace.
and i think it's disgusting.
i have fat friends who i think are beautiful.
it just sucks i can't see my own self as beautiful.
that's my thoughts for the day.
oh btw, i totally aced my photography exam ;)
i reckon i coulda got full marks :D
ive got my legal exam in two and a half hours. wish me luck!
x
this isn't a fat-bashing blog.
come to think of it, why does fat have such negative meanings attached to it?
everyone has fat.
fat keeps us alive. we need it.
it seems i'm continually inspired, and today i was inspired by a lovely lady called Lizzie, who writes the blog, "Diary of a Fat Teenager".
at first i was intrigued. now i am amazed.
this girl has such a healthy attitude towards her body, and she weighs around 100 pounds more than I do!
what i've realised is, it's not your size that makes you confident.
it's your attitude to it.
it's not being fat that makes people unhappy. it's the thought process.
like i learnt in CBT.
i used to think that i'd rather be skinny and unhappy, than be fat and happy.
but hell, i think i'd rather be fat and happy!
if i didn't view the fat as a bad thing, and i had as much confidence as Lizzie, man, i could rock that fat.
but i could never be like that.
i don't think that it's because i CHOOSE not to, i think that it's just the way i am.
i've tried to view my body as beautiful, and it just doesnt GOD DAMN WORK.
i'm pretty jealous of the gift Lizzie has for positivity and love for her body.
i guess people with eating disorders only ever talk about fat when they say "omg im so fat ew" or "that has soooooo much fat in it".
and it makes us look like fat-bashers.
but i don't think that's the case for the majority.
i don't hate fat people.
i have a couple of friends who are fat-bashers and do it openly on myspace.
and i think it's disgusting.
i have fat friends who i think are beautiful.
it just sucks i can't see my own self as beautiful.
that's my thoughts for the day.
oh btw, i totally aced my photography exam ;)
i reckon i coulda got full marks :D
ive got my legal exam in two and a half hours. wish me luck!
x
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Flashback -1997
I know this is my second blog for the day, but inspired by lisalisa I've decided to take a journey into my past, back to grade Prep.
I'm sitting at my table. Joy runs through me.
I set my eyes down upon my alphabet work, and the big, red ticks stare back, as if smiling up at me.
At that moment, 3 boys appear at my table.
I look up at them. They each Sneer.
The middle one, Luke, narrows his eyes, and the spikes in his hair seem to sharpen.
I try to feel confident. What could he possibly say?
"Hey Kaaatie", says Luke in a sing-song voice, "bet you can't spell!"
"I can so!" I say, rising up to the taunt. I stand, my heartbeat races. I know this will be easy, I am a great speller.
"Okay then, spell da" He teases.
What? That isn't a word. I stand confused, but I give it a shot anyway.
"D - A" I say, my voice calm and steady.
"Nope," he says. His smile stretches across his cold face. I am determined to get this right.
"D ... U?" I guess, uncertainly.
"Nope" he smirks. He seems to get bigger and bigger. I sink into the ground.
"D - E? D - O?" I try.
He shakes his head, laughing.
"What is it then?" I ask impatiently, wondering how in the world da could be spelt.
"It's T - H - E!" he says triumphantly, leaning forward as if trying to spear me with the letters.
All 3 of the boys laugh and walk away.
I am left standing there, dumbfounded, and I feel helpless.
He said DA! not THE!
I am angry. But what can I say?
I feel like I'm trapped and there's nothing I can do. It's not fair.
The ticks on my work lay forgotten.
The happiness they gave me is lost, taken away from me by Luke.
I'm sitting at my table. Joy runs through me.
I set my eyes down upon my alphabet work, and the big, red ticks stare back, as if smiling up at me.
At that moment, 3 boys appear at my table.
I look up at them. They each Sneer.
The middle one, Luke, narrows his eyes, and the spikes in his hair seem to sharpen.
I try to feel confident. What could he possibly say?
"Hey Kaaatie", says Luke in a sing-song voice, "bet you can't spell!"
"I can so!" I say, rising up to the taunt. I stand, my heartbeat races. I know this will be easy, I am a great speller.
"Okay then, spell da" He teases.
What? That isn't a word. I stand confused, but I give it a shot anyway.
"D - A" I say, my voice calm and steady.
"Nope," he says. His smile stretches across his cold face. I am determined to get this right.
"D ... U?" I guess, uncertainly.
"Nope" he smirks. He seems to get bigger and bigger. I sink into the ground.
"D - E? D - O?" I try.
He shakes his head, laughing.
"What is it then?" I ask impatiently, wondering how in the world da could be spelt.
"It's T - H - E!" he says triumphantly, leaning forward as if trying to spear me with the letters.
All 3 of the boys laugh and walk away.
I am left standing there, dumbfounded, and I feel helpless.
He said DA! not THE!
I am angry. But what can I say?
I feel like I'm trapped and there's nothing I can do. It's not fair.
The ticks on my work lay forgotten.
The happiness they gave me is lost, taken away from me by Luke.
all or nothing
first of all, can anybody tell me how i can get notified of comments?
i always tend to have to go into my blog and check.
i just want one of those things like on myspace where it's like "new comments!"
ha, i'm lazy.
i decided that this whole 'losing weight slowly and healthily' thing was just a load of BS.
it was TOO slow, and i gave up and binged. it's all or nothing for me.
starting next monday, i will be fasting and restricting for summer.
shouldn't be hard at all, considering i won't have exams to worry about and i can be anywhere and do whatever i want :)
can't wait til freedom.
the only thing that sucks about the upcoming freedom is it has to be summer.
i HATE summer.
i despise it.
Here's a list why:
1. It's too hot to exercise, let alone MOVE
2. I get all sweaty and look like a bloated tomato
3. I have to wear clothes that reveal my fat-ness.
4. I break down a lot because of my lack of decent-looking clothing options
5. Clothes shopping is depressing, especially with...
6. BIKINIS!!!!!!!!
7. Can't eat soups :(
8. Having sex is exhausting and makes you all gross and sticky (and not for a good reason)
9. Sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend is hard because he is a human furnace
10. People don't hug as much :( i love hugs :(
11. I hate icypoles, so when I'm hot i have to resort to icky Ice cream that melts everywhere and makes you stickier than summer sex
12. Makes me crave ice cream more.
13. CBF SUNSCREENING
14. ...and that leads to painful sunburn
15. You have to wear sunglasses and they slide off your nose and get annoying
17. My eye makeup (my trademark) sweats off
18. Having to deal with questions about why I like to wear tshirts and boardies over my bathers (fat stomach and scars on my legs)
19. The Beach! (bikinis + icky sand + salty water = PISSED OFF KATIE)
20. People always want to go out for fish and chips, which usually leads to B/P
21. Salads get boring after a while
22. Did I mention looking like a bloated tomato?
23. Can't do one of my favourite past-times, walking to Frankston, because of the heat
24. Too many BUGS! (i have a phobia of all insects)
25. Lack of sleep due to trying to kill all the aforementioned bugs
26. Being woken up by a buzzing mosquito just as I'm about to fall asleep!
27. Dresses. YUCK.
28. Have to show my fat arms.
29. BUGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSS
30. Lack of motivation because of the stupid heat.
31. Winter coldness burns more calories.
Enough said?
Even so, here are some upsides that will benefit me this summer:
1. Too hot to heat fatty foods (aka chocolate, pasta, curries etc)
2. Excuse to just eat salads, it's too hot for anything else!
3. Cold water to boost metabolism
4. Yummy low-calorie fruit.
5. BOOST FRUIT SMOOOOTHIES when going out for lunch. once again, too hot for anything else.
chyeah. and that's about it as far as the good bits of summer goes.
so NOT looking forward to it.
NOTE TO SELF: this is not the time to be writing blogs, go study for your exams tomorrow!
i always tend to have to go into my blog and check.
i just want one of those things like on myspace where it's like "new comments!"
ha, i'm lazy.
i decided that this whole 'losing weight slowly and healthily' thing was just a load of BS.
it was TOO slow, and i gave up and binged. it's all or nothing for me.
starting next monday, i will be fasting and restricting for summer.
shouldn't be hard at all, considering i won't have exams to worry about and i can be anywhere and do whatever i want :)
can't wait til freedom.
the only thing that sucks about the upcoming freedom is it has to be summer.
i HATE summer.
i despise it.
Here's a list why:
1. It's too hot to exercise, let alone MOVE
2. I get all sweaty and look like a bloated tomato
3. I have to wear clothes that reveal my fat-ness.
4. I break down a lot because of my lack of decent-looking clothing options
5. Clothes shopping is depressing, especially with...
6. BIKINIS!!!!!!!!
7. Can't eat soups :(
8. Having sex is exhausting and makes you all gross and sticky (and not for a good reason)
9. Sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend is hard because he is a human furnace
10. People don't hug as much :( i love hugs :(
11. I hate icypoles, so when I'm hot i have to resort to icky Ice cream that melts everywhere and makes you stickier than summer sex
12. Makes me crave ice cream more.
13. CBF SUNSCREENING
14. ...and that leads to painful sunburn
15. You have to wear sunglasses and they slide off your nose and get annoying
17. My eye makeup (my trademark) sweats off
18. Having to deal with questions about why I like to wear tshirts and boardies over my bathers (fat stomach and scars on my legs)
19. The Beach! (bikinis + icky sand + salty water = PISSED OFF KATIE)
20. People always want to go out for fish and chips, which usually leads to B/P
21. Salads get boring after a while
22. Did I mention looking like a bloated tomato?
23. Can't do one of my favourite past-times, walking to Frankston, because of the heat
24. Too many BUGS! (i have a phobia of all insects)
25. Lack of sleep due to trying to kill all the aforementioned bugs
26. Being woken up by a buzzing mosquito just as I'm about to fall asleep!
27. Dresses. YUCK.
28. Have to show my fat arms.
29. BUGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSS
30. Lack of motivation because of the stupid heat.
31. Winter coldness burns more calories.
Enough said?
Even so, here are some upsides that will benefit me this summer:
1. Too hot to heat fatty foods (aka chocolate, pasta, curries etc)
2. Excuse to just eat salads, it's too hot for anything else!
3. Cold water to boost metabolism
4. Yummy low-calorie fruit.
5. BOOST FRUIT SMOOOOTHIES when going out for lunch. once again, too hot for anything else.
chyeah. and that's about it as far as the good bits of summer goes.
so NOT looking forward to it.
NOTE TO SELF: this is not the time to be writing blogs, go study for your exams tomorrow!
Monday, November 9, 2009
inside my head
today was a mildy good study day,
i was productive up until mid day, which is extremely good for me.
i think and hope i can get a reasonable mark on my exams on wednesday.
otherwise, today was shit.
i ate too much, as i sit here i want to purge, but i know how gross it is to purge pasta.
but, actually, maybe i will do it. hmm.
it will make me feel better.
i should do it.
but i shouldnt.
okay, let's map this out.
K "i shouldn't purge because it doesn't make me lose weight anyway, and David will be upset"
ED "it will make you feel better"
K "it'll put bags under my eyes and make me feel like shit, and i will feel shitter if i fail at it."
ED "yes but it will empty your stomach and you won't feel so full"
K "it'll go away soon"
ED "why not get rid of it now?"
K "that's counterproductive. i'm trying to get rid of bulimia. and i've been doing so well at it"
ED "it's only one time. come on, do it, it'll be quick and painless"
K "i'll get addicted, and i won't be able to stop again. i'll start binging and purging all the time. the first time i tried i told myself i'd do it occasionally but it turned into every day. i GAINED weight. this is no way to go"
ED "you can have control this time. just purge when you are forced to eat, starve the rest of the time"
K "how about i just start dieting after exams. it's too distracting now"
ED "you're always dieting anyway. if you don't diet you'll binge, and feel crap, and not be able to do exams. just fucking purge already!"
K "it can't be too bad"
ED "yeah, you know you want to do it"
K "just this once? you promise?"
ED "just this once! it'll be fine. i promise you. and you'll feel better"
K "okay."
looks like i failed on this one.
off to shower.
EDIT:
ED "told you it'd make you feel better ;)"
i was productive up until mid day, which is extremely good for me.
i think and hope i can get a reasonable mark on my exams on wednesday.
otherwise, today was shit.
i ate too much, as i sit here i want to purge, but i know how gross it is to purge pasta.
but, actually, maybe i will do it. hmm.
it will make me feel better.
i should do it.
but i shouldnt.
okay, let's map this out.
K "i shouldn't purge because it doesn't make me lose weight anyway, and David will be upset"
ED "it will make you feel better"
K "it'll put bags under my eyes and make me feel like shit, and i will feel shitter if i fail at it."
ED "yes but it will empty your stomach and you won't feel so full"
K "it'll go away soon"
ED "why not get rid of it now?"
K "that's counterproductive. i'm trying to get rid of bulimia. and i've been doing so well at it"
ED "it's only one time. come on, do it, it'll be quick and painless"
K "i'll get addicted, and i won't be able to stop again. i'll start binging and purging all the time. the first time i tried i told myself i'd do it occasionally but it turned into every day. i GAINED weight. this is no way to go"
ED "you can have control this time. just purge when you are forced to eat, starve the rest of the time"
K "how about i just start dieting after exams. it's too distracting now"
ED "you're always dieting anyway. if you don't diet you'll binge, and feel crap, and not be able to do exams. just fucking purge already!"
K "it can't be too bad"
ED "yeah, you know you want to do it"
K "just this once? you promise?"
ED "just this once! it'll be fine. i promise you. and you'll feel better"
K "okay."
looks like i failed on this one.
off to shower.
EDIT:
ED "told you it'd make you feel better ;)"
Sunday, November 8, 2009
falling apart
i am miserable.
i have only lost half a kilo this week.
i'm not used to such slow loss!
its killing me.
i'm being urged to go lower in caloric take by my own mind.
i know i shouldn't, but i NEED those numbers to go lower.
i'm such a fat lard.
i called my boyfriend today and told him that i felt like cutting.
if i didn't tell him, i would've done it.
i haven't felt so low in a long time.
maybe it's because i re-started my anti-depressants after not taking them for two weeks (i'm that lazy).
but maybe it's just because i'm a fat lard.
i am miserable.
i have only lost half a kilo this week.
i'm not used to such slow loss!
its killing me.
i'm being urged to go lower in caloric take by my own mind.
i know i shouldn't, but i NEED those numbers to go lower.
i'm such a fat lard.
i called my boyfriend today and told him that i felt like cutting.
if i didn't tell him, i would've done it.
i haven't felt so low in a long time.
maybe it's because i re-started my anti-depressants after not taking them for two weeks (i'm that lazy).
but maybe it's just because i'm a fat lard.
i am miserable.
keeping it together
to reply to liana, i plan on getting fucking wasted when i finish exams on friday :)
infact i've got an 18th that night. :D
now this morning i had to stop myself short.
my goal for today was 600 calories.
but no. i can't let myself fall that easily into starvation mode, so early in my weight loss.
right now, my goal is centred around 1000 calories.
i'm making a rule that i have to keep within 900 -1100 until i get to my first goal, 52kg.
then, i'll decide what happens next.
the urge to starve grips you so easily.
it's not happening fast enough -therefore, i must lower my intake.
ahhh NO. i've got to keep my head.
because i am in control this time.
now to go make myself some lunch :)
infact i've got an 18th that night. :D
now this morning i had to stop myself short.
my goal for today was 600 calories.
but no. i can't let myself fall that easily into starvation mode, so early in my weight loss.
right now, my goal is centred around 1000 calories.
i'm making a rule that i have to keep within 900 -1100 until i get to my first goal, 52kg.
then, i'll decide what happens next.
the urge to starve grips you so easily.
it's not happening fast enough -therefore, i must lower my intake.
ahhh NO. i've got to keep my head.
because i am in control this time.
now to go make myself some lunch :)
Saturday, November 7, 2009
inadequate
i'm feeling quite low right now.
in the midst of extremely confusing circumstances.
my two friends have started dating. and my chick friend is the most stunning beautiful girl on the planet. and she's skinny without even trying. and she's not a bitch. and she's just all-round perfect.
i'm not jealous, so it took me a while to figure out why i felt so low and confused, and ate nutella and peanut butter... dead giveaway that something is wrong.
i think... its because she's so beautiful.
i just want to be like her.
now whenever i hang with my guy friend i'm going to be more self conscious because he's been with a girl with an amazing body, when im just a blob of fat. i know it doesnt matter to him and he thinks i'm perfect the way i am, but i can't help but think he'll compare me to her now.
i feel inadequate.
i should be working harder to be gorgeous and skinny for my boy, so he doesnt have to fuck a wobbly bag of lard. instead he should be admiring my toned, slim figure.
it's times like these i wish my boy didn't mind me cutting. i need him right now, and he isn't here. i want to feel the sting, reminding me of what i've yet to accomplish.
looking like i do, i'm not worthy of anyone.
in the midst of extremely confusing circumstances.
my two friends have started dating. and my chick friend is the most stunning beautiful girl on the planet. and she's skinny without even trying. and she's not a bitch. and she's just all-round perfect.
i'm not jealous, so it took me a while to figure out why i felt so low and confused, and ate nutella and peanut butter... dead giveaway that something is wrong.
i think... its because she's so beautiful.
i just want to be like her.
now whenever i hang with my guy friend i'm going to be more self conscious because he's been with a girl with an amazing body, when im just a blob of fat. i know it doesnt matter to him and he thinks i'm perfect the way i am, but i can't help but think he'll compare me to her now.
i feel inadequate.
i should be working harder to be gorgeous and skinny for my boy, so he doesnt have to fuck a wobbly bag of lard. instead he should be admiring my toned, slim figure.
WELL, WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?
I. WANT. THIS. SO. FUCKING. BAD!
it's times like these i wish my boy didn't mind me cutting. i need him right now, and he isn't here. i want to feel the sting, reminding me of what i've yet to accomplish.
looking like i do, i'm not worthy of anyone.
porridge and OCD
beginning to think i may actually have OCD.
but only with my eating disorder.
all i think about is food, and being thin, and exercise, and food...
to the point where i HAVE to look at thinspiration, HAVE to read through a whole three year ED blog (sad!) and HAVE to look up weight loss to get me to stop thinking so much about it!
obsessions that lead to compulsions.
that stop me from studying, and doing anything else for that matter.
or are eating disorders just another form of OCD... to do with food?
a final observation:
schoolwork is like porridge in the microwave.if you leave it alone for ten seconds, it overflows all over the place.
Friday, November 6, 2009
insight
i noticed i have a couple of new followers... and i think it may be because i'm following a blog called "quest for perfection". the writer intrigues me, reminds me somewhat of myself, and it makes me feel less alone in my struggles to read other people's struggles too.
people are entitled to follow me as they please (hey, i've never had followers before this blog, hehe), but i just want everyone to know that i'm not 'pro-ana', as in, i don't like to encourage the anorexia 'lifestyle' and urge people to starve, throw up, take laxatives, overexercise etc. to get thin. i recognise that it is a mental illness, i also recognise that people can 'choose' it, somehow... i did, i guess (big mistakey)... but just don't read me for tips and tricks and thinspo.
any thinspo that i look at is for my eyes only, not for this blog. this blog is just my journey.
Okay all said and done :)
i was reading a blog i've joined called "trying to save her life", its written by a boy who's girlfriend has got an eating disorder. (funnily enough, his girlfriend writes the blog i mentioned before).
i love this, because i rarely get to see the thoughts of my boy in relation to what i do.
i know he hated the throwing up, and hates the starving, but, as with any average boy, he has a hard time expressing his emotions.
so this blog is providing me with some insight into the boy's mind. the link to the blog is on the side bar under 'blogs i like' if you want to check it out.
anyway. he's just started out and in his second entry he mentioned that he cried himself to sleep one night after she told him she threw up.
this is really confronting for me... i usually try to forget that the boy ever did/does that when he's upset. the fact such a trivial action to me, throwing up, could have such a HUGE impact on someone that loves me, is hard to deal with and think about.
i hate upsetting him. and this was motivation enough to end my bulimic behaviours, which have been rare in the past month. i just hope that my recent endeavour to lose weight AGAIN doesn't upset him as much :(
people are entitled to follow me as they please (hey, i've never had followers before this blog, hehe), but i just want everyone to know that i'm not 'pro-ana', as in, i don't like to encourage the anorexia 'lifestyle' and urge people to starve, throw up, take laxatives, overexercise etc. to get thin. i recognise that it is a mental illness, i also recognise that people can 'choose' it, somehow... i did, i guess (big mistakey)... but just don't read me for tips and tricks and thinspo.
any thinspo that i look at is for my eyes only, not for this blog. this blog is just my journey.
Okay all said and done :)
i was reading a blog i've joined called "trying to save her life", its written by a boy who's girlfriend has got an eating disorder. (funnily enough, his girlfriend writes the blog i mentioned before).
i love this, because i rarely get to see the thoughts of my boy in relation to what i do.
i know he hated the throwing up, and hates the starving, but, as with any average boy, he has a hard time expressing his emotions.
so this blog is providing me with some insight into the boy's mind. the link to the blog is on the side bar under 'blogs i like' if you want to check it out.
anyway. he's just started out and in his second entry he mentioned that he cried himself to sleep one night after she told him she threw up.
this is really confronting for me... i usually try to forget that the boy ever did/does that when he's upset. the fact such a trivial action to me, throwing up, could have such a HUGE impact on someone that loves me, is hard to deal with and think about.
i hate upsetting him. and this was motivation enough to end my bulimic behaviours, which have been rare in the past month. i just hope that my recent endeavour to lose weight AGAIN doesn't upset him as much :(
Thursday, November 5, 2009
choices
i had a choice yesterday. i could either go to the gym, or i could attend a lecture for my exam next week.
i chose the lecture.
i didn't regret it.
today i chose to go to the gym instead of study.
i didn't regret it.
i did an hour step class which almost killed me. and certainly burnt the minimal calories i ate today.
*sigh* counterproductive.
my psych is NEVER going to let me live this down.
she's going to be so dissapointed.
the boy once told me i had to choose between him and my eating disorder.
i told him it wasn't that simple.
is it really possible to choose both?
my ed is like a rival guy for him.
ED VS. MY BOY.
they both compete.
but to me, it's not like that. to me, i can have both.
the boy just had to deal, because its a part of me.
i can't be happy if i hate my body.
i told him on the phone that i have back fat.
he sounded angry.
but my back fat is disgusting.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
thin
lisalisa asked me a question on my last blog.
Is there anything else (healthy) in your life that gives you the same sense of satisfaction and control?
no. never.
and it's never really been about control for me.
well, kind of, at the start. but it was also about weight and food.
it's still about weight and food.
call me wanna-rexic, whatever, thats just how it is for me.
i want to lose weight. i want to be thin. that's all it's ever been for me.
i want collarbones, hipbones, cheekbones, wrist bones, shoulder bones...
thats all i ever wanted, and it's still what i want.
and i am SO glad i threw out lasagne again tonight.
mum just came in and lectured me about study. AGAIN. fucking hell why won't she just leave me alone? she thinks i should be getting 99% for fucking everything. well i'm not that fucking smart!
i hate the expectations i have to live up to. it's moments like these that i get so angry that i skip meals. and i always get really upset when she does it after dinner, so i cant skip it. it makes me feel helpless.
i rebel by not eating, and get thinner at the same time.
maybe it isn't always about food..
i'd be cutting too, if it wasn't for the boy. everytime i used to cut myself, it'd be like cutting him twice as deep.
as long as i'm with him, i don't cut.
i'm over six months free of self harm now.
i still have scars on my hands, arms, and most of all on my legs (which i never show anyway). tough reminder.
i know i'd go back to cutting the second the boy ever breaks up with me.
he keeps me alive.
Monday, November 2, 2009
going backwards
i'll be the first to admit that i am absolutely ADDICTED to "thinspiration".
i could look at it for hours.
i also look at my pictures when i was down to 46kg... but its not as good as those thinspiration girls.
this was my lowest weight ... and i didnt even look that skinny!!
my ultimate goal weight was 45kg, and i only ever got down to 46kg.
i ate around 800 calories a day! which is the highest i ever restricted to (usual was up to 300)
and i got to my lowest weight ever.
i want to post pictures of myself when i get to 45. i didnt take enough when i was at 46 :(
i can never let go of the 45kg goal. ever. no matter how much i try to recover, i just cannot forget about it! it lingers in my mind. it escaped from me.. JUST... and i always want it back. i was so close.
i began my journey back down to 45 yesterday. im restricting to 1000 calories and exercising at least 200 off (hopefully) each day.
it will be slower than before, but i WANT it so bad. i will have to wait, but it will be worth it. and ill be just that little bit healthier.
i threw out lasagne today, ate 1/4 for dinner and threw the other 3/4 of my piece away, because my parents weren't home for dinner. i felt powerful. i felt strong.
i exercised 450 calories off today. it felt the same.
i wonder how long i have to go?...
this is so counterproductive... i dont know if i should post here anymore. this blog was supposed to be positive. i dont want to be another anorexia food-tracking blog...
hmm.
i spose this is my journey.
i could look at it for hours.
i also look at my pictures when i was down to 46kg... but its not as good as those thinspiration girls.
this was my lowest weight ... and i didnt even look that skinny!!
my ultimate goal weight was 45kg, and i only ever got down to 46kg.
i ate around 800 calories a day! which is the highest i ever restricted to (usual was up to 300)
and i got to my lowest weight ever.
i want to post pictures of myself when i get to 45. i didnt take enough when i was at 46 :(
i can never let go of the 45kg goal. ever. no matter how much i try to recover, i just cannot forget about it! it lingers in my mind. it escaped from me.. JUST... and i always want it back. i was so close.
i began my journey back down to 45 yesterday. im restricting to 1000 calories and exercising at least 200 off (hopefully) each day.
it will be slower than before, but i WANT it so bad. i will have to wait, but it will be worth it. and ill be just that little bit healthier.
i threw out lasagne today, ate 1/4 for dinner and threw the other 3/4 of my piece away, because my parents weren't home for dinner. i felt powerful. i felt strong.
i exercised 450 calories off today. it felt the same.
i wonder how long i have to go?...
this is so counterproductive... i dont know if i should post here anymore. this blog was supposed to be positive. i dont want to be another anorexia food-tracking blog...
hmm.
i spose this is my journey.
beauty
I love this postsecret from last week...
In the midst of those women who think they are FAT because they are pregnant, this postsecret is a shining beacon. i know that the woman on the postcard looks skinny, but i guess they're the only pictures you can get of pregnant people on the net. but the woman BEHIND the postcard, the woman who is speaking through the picture, is a light of hope for pregnant women, and their body issues. It made me happy to see this. I hope one day, when I'm a mum, I'll feel as beautiful as the woman who sent in this card.
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