If anyone is still following this blog,...

I have a new URL. It is www.madaboutthemind.blogspot.com

I hope you're all doing well.

fresh start... again.

Would appreciate if you guys would follow my new blog.
I'm keeping it anonymous now so I dont want to promote it.

http://www.onegirlathousandwords.wordpress.com/

Thanks.

MOVED MY BLOG:

I am now at www.methroughtheglass.wordpress.com

please follow me,

peace out.

x

sick

moved to www.methroughtheglass.wordpress.com 

wow.
i only just realised how shit i feel right now.
every time i come to that realisation, it seems to be even worse.
ive hit rock bottom so many times, im wondering how deep this hole can get.

i tried to cut the other night.
i threw up intentionally because i felt bad for this guy ive been screwing around.
i went to buy razors. thankfully, there were none at safeway.

ive been taking diet pills, even though ive hardly been eating.
im happy with the way the weight is dropping off.
i try to avoid food.
i know EXACTLY what im doing to myself, and i cant stop.

i'm fucked. i fucking need to see my psych right now, see if she thinks i can up my dose of Lovan.
i cant take life right now.

i feel sick.

coping

I have never been too good with coping in the right way.
my mentor at Reach once asked me how i cope with stress... i thought about for a minute, and then i said 'I don't.'

I really don't know how to cope.
And right now, in the midst of my breakup, it's really showing.

Here are some coping mechanisms I have been using:

• Stealing - I've stolen quite a bit from various stores to compensate for lack of money... and the feeling of the rush, and 'hell, i can do whatever i want'
• Losing weight - yeah i haven't been eating much, but not really on purpose... just because i've been feeling so shit
• Drugs - in the absence of alcohol, i smoked a joint because I felt like it
• Alcohol - that's a massive one for me. most of the time I'm looking forward to the weekend because I just want to get absolutely fucked off my face
• Hook ups - kissing a lot of different people is really fun and awesome :D

it makes me feel so good at the time... but when i think about all this shit later... i feel so bad about myself.

The worst thing is, the last thing on the list has backfired.

All the other things don't directly affect anyone... but I became involved with one of the guys I hooked up with... and, i feel so bad, because he's so innocent and i know i'm just using him to cope... not because i really want him :(

i've fucked up so bad.

im sposed to stay at his house on sunday, but i explained everything to him and i've decided im gonna go home after the party instead of going to his. i'm such a horrible person for this, now i'm going to fix it.

i have to cope on my own.

at least i havent had the urge to self-harm... thats a definite upside.

hiding

so, wow. what a weekend.

SOUNDWAVE. i threw myself into a circle pit and got kicked in the head.
moshed a lot, crowd surfed, smoked some weed and got my heart ripped out of my chest.

he hates my guys, totally hates me.

and as a reaction.
SATURDAY. got so drunk that i kissed like, five people at once. a lot. and, wow.
i screwed over a really decent guy, and screwed myself over too.
oh, and i didnt think there was any of my dignity left, but turns out there was, because i lost more of it.

i am totally, totally lost.
i'm hiding beneath this wild crazy side, whereas im actually hurting a lot.
i NEED to feel closeness. i NEED love from people.

i'm saying it loud, i need you.

jgzkjf.kgr

i have the feeling my body is trying to block out the pain im feeling.

im feeling blank all the time.

i saw the boy yesterday and it was like scratching at an open wound.
and then two seconds later i was fine.

im so messed up.