graphics

you may have noticed my new header :)
i'm occupying myself at the moment by practising graphics on Photoshop, and i finally have the transparency thing mastered!

ohhh i am a genious :)
this may be a new hobby of mine.

its all thanks to my brother..
he got me onto this mafia website he goes on, and theres some expert graphics artists on there that get payed game money to make this sort of stuff.

so now im practising :) and loving it!

good news

so, i have been accepted into my first preference for Uni - Deakin Burwood :)
I'm so excited!
i can't wait to learn all about psychology and be on my way to help people just like me!
Clinical Psychologist. Sounds sooooo good right now.

I've been at Reach camp for a couple of days (visit The Reach Website) and I've been so inspired.
I shared my story about last year, and realised I never really voiced my pride about it.
Hell with it, I got an AMAZING score!
And i battled depression, anxiety, began and OVERCAME bulimia and binge eating, defended myself against starving during exams and lost my grandma over in Egypt.

Everybody, I am PROUD!

inspired

First off, thanks for the comments i received on my last post, i'm very grateful to have you guys behind me whatever happens. that's one of the reasons i love blogging, it's like a community where we share thoughts and feelings and also encouragement and comfort. thank you.

after i wrote that post last night, i had a good long think about what i really want.
i know i want to be happy, but what will it take?
i thought back to the books i'd been reading recently.
The Dark Heavens by Kyle Chan -a great series about a martial arts taoist God... i love these books, they inspire me so much to think about my life and things I face every day. And they inspire recovery every time I read them.
i also picked up some meditation books i got from the library earlier that day and had a read.
with all this fantasy and 'deeper self' stuff stuck in my head, i've put some NON weight related goals into my head to fulfill one of my 2010 resolutions- Nurture my body, mind and soul.

• Learn to meditate. Very useful skill for relaxation and self-discovery.
• Learn Tai Chi, for a similar reason, and also coz I think it would be awesome :)
• Build up my cardio stamina. I'm reasonably unfit, my body deserves better than to feel sluggish all the time.
• Get muscle - i want a strong body that can handle anything life throws at it!
• Feed my need for knowledge.. read, listen, do, learn.
• Feed my passions -practice guitar more, learn that anime song on piano again, draw, write.
• Nourish my body with healthy foods in moderation.

I really, honestly want to give my body what it deserves, strength, health and stability. My main drawback is that I'm really impatient. This stuff doesn't come overnight.. i need to remember that. Maybe i'll keep coming back to this blog.

I'm a bit apprehensive about the exercise part, because of how obsessed I can get... but for my body to build muscle and strength I need to feed it right, and I think that will help me get healthy, mind-wise. Starvation doesn't lead to health, I know that. 

I think, all this will make me feel good about my body, in the end. I want to be proud of how healthy, beautiful and strong it is. I want to love me for good reasons. I want to enjoy life.

I want this.

compulsion

I NEED TO STARVE!!!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
gksadfjhg;sjdfhbsfivgas'figh'afsbvaf
dfhbsfdfakjgba/kjfdsg
hsftghfakjdg/kfjdsg
ygthrtjhwrtjhwrtjhwrtjafjgakdf
wrjthafdjgak/lfj/af
rtjhwsrtttttttthjwrtjhwrtafjga

I MISS THIS!!!

i never hated my boobs,

but i miss having almost none. :(

i miss fitting into those shorts, i cant even do them up anymore :(

i miss lying in bed knocking my hip bones :(

i miss my almost flat stomach

(because it will never be flat, not without liposuction, which i plan to get in the future)

i miss having skinny arms! :(

i miss my ribs

i miss having no hips :(

i miss feeling beautiful.

at least, beautiful enough to go out in public and take care of what was left of my body.

i fucking HATE my life!!

i just want to be skinny again!!!

i am so digusting.

fat people

don't be hatin' when you read the title.
this isn't a fat-bashing blog.

come to think of it, why does fat have such negative meanings attached to it?
everyone has fat.
fat keeps us alive. we need it.

it seems i'm continually inspired, and today i was inspired by a lovely lady called Lizzie, who writes the blog, "Diary of a Fat Teenager".
at first i was intrigued. now i am amazed.
this girl has such a healthy attitude towards her body, and she weighs around 100 pounds more than I do!

what i've realised is, it's not your size that makes you confident.
it's your attitude to it.
it's not being fat that makes people unhappy. it's the thought process.
like i learnt in CBT.

i used to think that i'd rather be skinny and unhappy, than be fat and happy.
but hell, i think i'd rather be fat and happy!
if i didn't view the fat as a bad thing, and i had as much confidence as Lizzie, man, i could rock that fat.
but i could never be like that.
i don't think that it's because i CHOOSE not to, i think that it's just the way i am.
i've tried to view my body as beautiful, and it just doesnt GOD DAMN WORK.
i'm pretty jealous of the gift Lizzie has for positivity and love for her body.

i guess people with eating disorders only ever talk about fat when they say "omg im so fat ew" or "that has soooooo much fat in it".
and it makes us look like fat-bashers.
but i don't think that's the case for the majority.
i don't hate fat people.
i have a couple of friends who are fat-bashers and do it openly on myspace.
and i think it's disgusting.
i have fat friends who i think are beautiful.
it just sucks i can't see my own self as beautiful.

that's my thoughts for the day.
oh btw, i totally aced my photography exam ;)
i reckon i coulda got full marks :D

ive got my legal exam in two and a half hours. wish me luck!
x

going backwards

i'll be the first to admit that i am absolutely ADDICTED to "thinspiration".
i could look at it for hours.
i also look at my pictures when i was down to 46kg... but its not as good as those thinspiration girls.
this was my lowest weight ... and i didnt even look that skinny!!

my ultimate goal weight was 45kg, and i only ever got down to 46kg.
i ate around 800 calories a day! which is the highest i ever restricted to (usual was up to 300)
and i got to my lowest weight ever.
i want to post pictures of myself when i get to 45. i didnt take enough when i was at 46 :(

i can never let go of the 45kg goal. ever. no matter how much i try to recover, i just cannot forget about it! it lingers in my mind. it escaped from me.. JUST... and i always want it back. i was so close.

i began my journey back down to 45 yesterday. im restricting to 1000 calories and exercising at least 200 off (hopefully) each day.
it will be slower than before, but i WANT it so bad. i will have to wait, but it will be worth it. and ill be just that little bit healthier.

i threw out lasagne today, ate 1/4 for dinner and threw the other 3/4 of my piece away, because my parents weren't home for dinner. i felt powerful. i felt strong.
i exercised 450 calories off today. it felt the same.
i wonder how long i have to go?...

this is so counterproductive... i dont know if i should post here anymore. this blog was supposed to be positive. i dont want to be another anorexia food-tracking blog...
hmm.
i spose this is my journey.

a new beginning

So, i'm beginning my blog journey again.
why?
I've been reading a blog (a retired blog, but an awesome one nonetheless) by Stephanie Quilao (http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/) and it has really inspired me to start blogging again.

i have had many blogs in my lifetime.
Here they are, in order of starting date..
http://kittykatie.spaces.live.com/
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=51078795
http://in-thedeep.livejournal.com/
aaand this one.
(i also had a diaryland.com diary, but i don't think i even used it!)

so yes.. brief introduction on me, if i'm actually going to take this blog thing seriously.

My name is Katie, and i'm 17 years old.
I live in Australia and I go to a private all-girls school, which i absolutely hate! but i'm exactly 60 days away from finishing year 12, which is rather exciting! :)
I've had issues with food and body image since I was 14, and I'm hoping that (as I've seen from many other bloggers) blogging will help me through my journey of overcoming it.

Hoping to meet many people along the way too :)
This should be fun.