?

i'm at a bigger dead end than i was last time i took a break from blogging.

i've been drunk for the past 2 days.

i'm fucked.
fuck.

i'm lost.

and i'm really, really scared.

signs of insanity

i'm sure the majority of people know that saying about the signs of insanity.
the first sign of insanity is having hair on the palms of your hands.
the seconds sign of insanity is looking for them.

amusing, and gets me every time.
but right now i have two different signs of insanity.
for me, the first sign of insanity is assuming i'm pregnant without a test
and the second sign of insanity is declaring war on the fetus that might not even be there.
disregarding any harm i may cause myself.

that is the end of this post, for the benefit of pro-life activists who might try to shoot me.

paranoia

so i havent' had my period yet. it's 4 days late exactly.
and im freaking out.

instead of studying this week, i've been googling pregnancy, late periods, abortion... everything.
this may be a touchy subject, but ive also been looking at self-induced miscarriage.
im really, really desperate.
and ive been punching my stomach all morning.
i havent even taken a test yet!
and i might just be stressed.
im such a dick.
meh.

hm well today i looked at my feet and they looked really fat.
it was a strange illusion.
ive been feeling so shit about my body.
the scale yesterday said 56. 56!!! i havent been 56 since year 8. i almost cried.
but i have to push this aside until exams are over.
18 days and i can start exercising and restricting again.
i cant stay like this.
i feel like crap.
i wouldnt even take off my jumper today despite the heat.
ugh.
i know this is counter-recovery thinking but.... well, there's really no excuse.
me = fail.

awakened

so after a period of recess, i've come back.
and seen that i had two comments! wow someone read my blog :)
that motivates me to keep going.
thank you Arielle for the comment.. it's what i really needed to hear right now.
ooh and thank you anonymous for the website, it's a tough contender against "thinspiration" and i have some new pictures to go in my folder of gorgeous women.

so, update... since i've been gone, i have
- gained weight (ironic, since i was on a "diet")
- stopped dieting and have begun eating whatever i want, with the comfort i can lose weight after exams finish
- finished school forever
- had my valedictory
- gotten insanely drunk dressed at snow white
- played the sims 2 excessively to distract me from my Teta's death AND
- had multiple fights with my ex-principal, boyfriend and my mum.

What a month.

also, i didn't take my anti-depressants for a week, and my mum copped one of my rage black outs. so did my ex-principal. she was a bitch anyway.

i am really bad with pills.
which has got me into a bit of a tiff.
i failed to take my oral contraceptive pill for a few days last week, and my period is one day late.
I'm a self-diagnosed hypochondriac (oh, irony?) and this is causing me a lot of distress.
ive been googling pregnancy, amenorrhea and abortion all day to keep my anxiety at bay, and its not working.
my only consolation is that this has happened to me and a few of my friends before and they and i havent been pregnant. it could be stress, tiredness and whatnot. but argh...
im just fucking scared.
any advice for a 17 year old hypochondriac who thinks she's pregnant on the brink of year 12 exams?
hears to hoping i'll get my period tomorrow and start complaining about it because i hate it so much.