sick

moved to www.methroughtheglass.wordpress.com 

wow.
i only just realised how shit i feel right now.
every time i come to that realisation, it seems to be even worse.
ive hit rock bottom so many times, im wondering how deep this hole can get.

i tried to cut the other night.
i threw up intentionally because i felt bad for this guy ive been screwing around.
i went to buy razors. thankfully, there were none at safeway.

ive been taking diet pills, even though ive hardly been eating.
im happy with the way the weight is dropping off.
i try to avoid food.
i know EXACTLY what im doing to myself, and i cant stop.

i'm fucked. i fucking need to see my psych right now, see if she thinks i can up my dose of Lovan.
i cant take life right now.

i feel sick.

coping

I have never been too good with coping in the right way.
my mentor at Reach once asked me how i cope with stress... i thought about for a minute, and then i said 'I don't.'

I really don't know how to cope.
And right now, in the midst of my breakup, it's really showing.

Here are some coping mechanisms I have been using:

• Stealing - I've stolen quite a bit from various stores to compensate for lack of money... and the feeling of the rush, and 'hell, i can do whatever i want'
• Losing weight - yeah i haven't been eating much, but not really on purpose... just because i've been feeling so shit
• Drugs - in the absence of alcohol, i smoked a joint because I felt like it
• Alcohol - that's a massive one for me. most of the time I'm looking forward to the weekend because I just want to get absolutely fucked off my face
• Hook ups - kissing a lot of different people is really fun and awesome :D

it makes me feel so good at the time... but when i think about all this shit later... i feel so bad about myself.

The worst thing is, the last thing on the list has backfired.

All the other things don't directly affect anyone... but I became involved with one of the guys I hooked up with... and, i feel so bad, because he's so innocent and i know i'm just using him to cope... not because i really want him :(

i've fucked up so bad.

im sposed to stay at his house on sunday, but i explained everything to him and i've decided im gonna go home after the party instead of going to his. i'm such a horrible person for this, now i'm going to fix it.

i have to cope on my own.

at least i havent had the urge to self-harm... thats a definite upside.

without the blanket

so, my safety blanket is gone.
my boyfriend and i have.. well, as kate lunacy said, gone on 'hiatus'.
we had a massive discussion.... and, well, i dont think i've ever felt so much pain before.

my heart LITERALLY felt like it was being ripped apart.
and i couldnt breathe.

the next night, we had our.. 'last night for while'. as i like to call it.
it was like on of those scenes in a movie where one of the characters go overseas.
music, candles, my new silky nightie (he really likes me wearing nighties), hugging, crying.....
fuck. it was intense.
my eyes were so sore from crying.

took a few days to recover from all the crying actually.

and now i'm numb, and lost.
we're still seeing each other, hanging out... occasionally kissing...
i just dont know what to do in this.
ive never been apart from him.

all the stuff i felt like he was holding me back from...
i just dont want to do anything anymore.
i just want to be with him.

....

however, an extremely good thing has come out of this.
the night we 'broke up', i threw out my blades. all 10 of them, or however many i was keeping just in case this day ever came.
but no, i just threw them away.
the last thing i feel like doing is cutting.
its kind of brilliant.

after holding onto this other safety blanket, my blades, for so long, i've finally let go of them.

i'm extremely proud .

bye for now.

Flashback -2007

This is a poem I wrote on the 17th of April in 2007, while I was at my lowest weight of 46kg.
I don't show this to anybody.

NOT THE END.

Darkness takes over,
suffocated by pain.
Tears and blood;
all that escape.

Secrets that pour out
with pills and a blade,
anticipate the slice;
beautifully made.

Coldness sinks in,
white walls surround,
creeping slowly
up from the ground.

Soft skin breaks,
red stains the tiles.
Shattered face;
she flickers a smile.

Short breaths steady,
hair grazes the floor;
Silent screams for help.
Human No More.

lost

i don't know where to turn. where to go.
i can't run.
i can't hide.

everywhere is a dead end.

words can't describe how i'm feeling.
me and the boy are hanging by a thread.
and it's all up to me to strengthen it.

i can't bear to lose him.

we fought the other night.
i made him take me back to his.
he got me a separate doona cover.
he said it was 'wrong' for me to stay at his.
the two covers were the worst.
it hurt, more than anything... more than him telling me that i couldn't have been drunk enough to not notice a kiss coming.

there are so many things i'd take back in a second.
that night, the kiss. the other sunday when i did what i said i would NEVER do, i hit him in the balls.
it was trivial, but a massive blow to US.
these two moments mentally sever me.. to bits..

only now have i realised it not only hurts HIM to be with me, but it also hurts me.
because i hate myself so much for hurting him, yet it would hurt him more if i punished myself.

it hurts me to live with what i have done.

yet it would hurt much more to be separated from the one i love.
that's where the cutting comes in. it would help me deal with the pain of living with myself while i'm still with him. but then i'd have to live with the hurt i cause by doing that.

life is a tedious, vicious cycle.

i'm dangerously lost in it. the boy is the only one i can turn to in such a mess, even though it revolves around him.

all these thoughts would hurt him too.

we made love last night, first time since our fight.
i felt like crying afterwards.

i have ruined us.
we'll never be the same.

i am in so much pain, i don't know what to do anymore.

falling apart

i am miserable.
i have only lost half a kilo this week.
i'm not used to such slow loss!
its killing me.
i'm being urged to go lower in caloric take by my own mind.
i know i shouldn't, but i NEED those numbers to go lower.

i'm such a fat lard.

i called my boyfriend today and told him that i felt like cutting.
if i didn't tell him, i would've done it.
i haven't felt so low in a long time.
maybe it's because i re-started my anti-depressants after not taking them for two weeks (i'm that lazy).
but maybe it's just because i'm a fat lard.

i am miserable.

inadequate

i'm feeling quite low right now.
in the midst of extremely confusing circumstances.

my two friends have started dating. and my chick friend is the most stunning beautiful girl on the planet. and she's skinny without even trying. and she's not a bitch. and she's just all-round perfect.

i'm not jealous, so it took me a while to figure out why i felt so low and confused, and ate nutella and peanut butter... dead giveaway that something is wrong.

i think... its because she's so beautiful.
i just want to be like her.
now whenever i hang with my guy friend i'm going to be more self conscious because he's been with a girl with an amazing body, when im just a blob of fat. i know it doesnt matter to him and he thinks i'm perfect the way i am, but i can't help but think he'll compare me to her now.

i feel inadequate.
i should be working harder to be gorgeous and skinny for my boy, so he doesnt have to fuck a wobbly bag of lard. instead he should be admiring my toned, slim figure.

WELL, WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?

I. WANT. THIS. SO. FUCKING. BAD!

it's times like these i wish my boy didn't mind me cutting. i need him right now, and he isn't here. i want to feel the sting, reminding me of what i've yet to accomplish.

looking like i do, i'm not worthy of anyone.

thin

lisalisa asked me a question on my last blog.

 Is there anything else (healthy) in your life that gives you the same sense of satisfaction and control?

no. never.

and it's never really been about control for me.

well, kind of, at the start. but it was also about weight and food.

it's still about weight and food.

call me wanna-rexic, whatever, thats just how it is for me.

i want to lose weight. i want to be thin. that's all it's ever been for me.

i want collarbones, hipbones, cheekbones, wrist bones, shoulder bones... 

thats all i ever wanted, and it's still what i want.

and i am SO glad i threw out lasagne again tonight.

mum just came in and lectured me about study. AGAIN. fucking hell why won't she just leave me alone? she thinks i should be getting 99% for fucking everything. well i'm not that fucking smart!

i hate the expectations i have to live up to. it's moments like these that i get so angry that i skip meals. and i always get really upset when she does it after dinner, so i cant skip it. it makes me feel helpless.

i rebel by not eating, and get thinner at the same time.

maybe it isn't always about food..

i'd be cutting too, if it wasn't for the boy. everytime i used to cut myself, it'd be like cutting him twice as deep.

as long as i'm with him, i don't cut.

i'm over six months free of self harm now.

i still have scars on my hands, arms, and most of all on my legs (which i never show anyway). tough reminder.

i know i'd go back to cutting the second the boy ever breaks up with me.

he keeps me alive.