i can't fucking eat anymore.
i'm too fucking fat.
at least.. thats what she tells me...
wow, i'm tracking myself. this is a good sign.
here we go.
Me: it'll be okay if i eat some chocolate and some of these fatty cracker things. im way below the normal amount of food anyway, i couldnt have gone above 1000 calories today.
Her: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??????
Me: i'm enjoying this chocolate. it's yum. you didnt let me enjoy chocolate at christmas time.
Her: because your FAT, and nothings changed! you've already gone over the limit today!!
Me: it's okay, everyone has off days.
Her: you can't afford to have off days, you FUCKING idiot, your birthday is in two weeks!
Me: i've lost a kilo already!
Her: one measly kilo, you're not even at your starting weight in year 9 yet. you're fucking fat. on your 18th everyones going to think your a fat cow compared to your 16th. and you wont want to look at the photos, just like after valedictory. you fucking whale.
Me: ...*stumped*.....
Her: good. you're not losing this fast enough, you've got to be at LEAST 52 kilos by your birthday weekend. no more eating.
Me: you're right, it's the only way. breakfast though, it'll keep my metabolism up.
Her: *sigh* you're right i guess. ONE weetbix. your limit is now 100 calories a day.
Me: i can take this. i will be skinny.
Her: yes you can! let's do this, let's get you gorgeous.
...
Me: what will I do about tonight?
Her: just stay up until you get hungry, then you can go to bed. that's the best we can do right now.
Me: ok. starting tomorrow, i'll be strong.
... i can't stop listening.
Showing posts with label anorexia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anorexia. Show all posts
Friday, January 8, 2010
Friday, December 18, 2009
compulsion
I NEED TO STARVE!!!
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
gksadfjhg;sjdfhbsfivgas'figh'afsbvaf
dfhbsfdfakjgba/kjfdsg
hsftghfakjdg/kfjdsg
ygthrtjhwrtjhwrtjhwrtjafjgakdf
wrjthafdjgak/lfj/af
rtjhwsrtttttttthjwrtjhwrtafjga
I MISS THIS!!!
i never hated my boobs,
but i miss having almost none. :(
i miss fitting into those shorts, i cant even do them up anymore :(
i miss lying in bed knocking my hip bones :(
i miss my almost flat stomach
(because it will never be flat, not without liposuction, which i plan to get in the future)
i miss having skinny arms! :(
i miss my ribs
i miss having no hips :(
i miss feeling beautiful.
at least, beautiful enough to go out in public and take care of what was left of my body.
i fucking HATE my life!!
i just want to be skinny again!!!
i am so digusting.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
all or nothing
first of all, can anybody tell me how i can get notified of comments?
i always tend to have to go into my blog and check.
i just want one of those things like on myspace where it's like "new comments!"
ha, i'm lazy.
i decided that this whole 'losing weight slowly and healthily' thing was just a load of BS.
it was TOO slow, and i gave up and binged. it's all or nothing for me.
starting next monday, i will be fasting and restricting for summer.
shouldn't be hard at all, considering i won't have exams to worry about and i can be anywhere and do whatever i want :)
can't wait til freedom.
the only thing that sucks about the upcoming freedom is it has to be summer.
i HATE summer.
i despise it.
Here's a list why:
1. It's too hot to exercise, let alone MOVE
2. I get all sweaty and look like a bloated tomato
3. I have to wear clothes that reveal my fat-ness.
4. I break down a lot because of my lack of decent-looking clothing options
5. Clothes shopping is depressing, especially with...
6. BIKINIS!!!!!!!!
7. Can't eat soups :(
8. Having sex is exhausting and makes you all gross and sticky (and not for a good reason)
9. Sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend is hard because he is a human furnace
10. People don't hug as much :( i love hugs :(
11. I hate icypoles, so when I'm hot i have to resort to icky Ice cream that melts everywhere and makes you stickier than summer sex
12. Makes me crave ice cream more.
13. CBF SUNSCREENING
14. ...and that leads to painful sunburn
15. You have to wear sunglasses and they slide off your nose and get annoying
17. My eye makeup (my trademark) sweats off
18. Having to deal with questions about why I like to wear tshirts and boardies over my bathers (fat stomach and scars on my legs)
19. The Beach! (bikinis + icky sand + salty water = PISSED OFF KATIE)
20. People always want to go out for fish and chips, which usually leads to B/P
21. Salads get boring after a while
22. Did I mention looking like a bloated tomato?
23. Can't do one of my favourite past-times, walking to Frankston, because of the heat
24. Too many BUGS! (i have a phobia of all insects)
25. Lack of sleep due to trying to kill all the aforementioned bugs
26. Being woken up by a buzzing mosquito just as I'm about to fall asleep!
27. Dresses. YUCK.
28. Have to show my fat arms.
29. BUGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSS
30. Lack of motivation because of the stupid heat.
31. Winter coldness burns more calories.
Enough said?
Even so, here are some upsides that will benefit me this summer:
1. Too hot to heat fatty foods (aka chocolate, pasta, curries etc)
2. Excuse to just eat salads, it's too hot for anything else!
3. Cold water to boost metabolism
4. Yummy low-calorie fruit.
5. BOOST FRUIT SMOOOOTHIES when going out for lunch. once again, too hot for anything else.
chyeah. and that's about it as far as the good bits of summer goes.
so NOT looking forward to it.
NOTE TO SELF: this is not the time to be writing blogs, go study for your exams tomorrow!
i always tend to have to go into my blog and check.
i just want one of those things like on myspace where it's like "new comments!"
ha, i'm lazy.
i decided that this whole 'losing weight slowly and healthily' thing was just a load of BS.
it was TOO slow, and i gave up and binged. it's all or nothing for me.
starting next monday, i will be fasting and restricting for summer.
shouldn't be hard at all, considering i won't have exams to worry about and i can be anywhere and do whatever i want :)
can't wait til freedom.
the only thing that sucks about the upcoming freedom is it has to be summer.
i HATE summer.
i despise it.
Here's a list why:
1. It's too hot to exercise, let alone MOVE
2. I get all sweaty and look like a bloated tomato
3. I have to wear clothes that reveal my fat-ness.
4. I break down a lot because of my lack of decent-looking clothing options
5. Clothes shopping is depressing, especially with...
6. BIKINIS!!!!!!!!
7. Can't eat soups :(
8. Having sex is exhausting and makes you all gross and sticky (and not for a good reason)
9. Sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend is hard because he is a human furnace
10. People don't hug as much :( i love hugs :(
11. I hate icypoles, so when I'm hot i have to resort to icky Ice cream that melts everywhere and makes you stickier than summer sex
12. Makes me crave ice cream more.
13. CBF SUNSCREENING
14. ...and that leads to painful sunburn
15. You have to wear sunglasses and they slide off your nose and get annoying
17. My eye makeup (my trademark) sweats off
18. Having to deal with questions about why I like to wear tshirts and boardies over my bathers (fat stomach and scars on my legs)
19. The Beach! (bikinis + icky sand + salty water = PISSED OFF KATIE)
20. People always want to go out for fish and chips, which usually leads to B/P
21. Salads get boring after a while
22. Did I mention looking like a bloated tomato?
23. Can't do one of my favourite past-times, walking to Frankston, because of the heat
24. Too many BUGS! (i have a phobia of all insects)
25. Lack of sleep due to trying to kill all the aforementioned bugs
26. Being woken up by a buzzing mosquito just as I'm about to fall asleep!
27. Dresses. YUCK.
28. Have to show my fat arms.
29. BUGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSS
30. Lack of motivation because of the stupid heat.
31. Winter coldness burns more calories.
Enough said?
Even so, here are some upsides that will benefit me this summer:
1. Too hot to heat fatty foods (aka chocolate, pasta, curries etc)
2. Excuse to just eat salads, it's too hot for anything else!
3. Cold water to boost metabolism
4. Yummy low-calorie fruit.
5. BOOST FRUIT SMOOOOTHIES when going out for lunch. once again, too hot for anything else.
chyeah. and that's about it as far as the good bits of summer goes.
so NOT looking forward to it.
NOTE TO SELF: this is not the time to be writing blogs, go study for your exams tomorrow!
Monday, November 9, 2009
inside my head
today was a mildy good study day,
i was productive up until mid day, which is extremely good for me.
i think and hope i can get a reasonable mark on my exams on wednesday.
otherwise, today was shit.
i ate too much, as i sit here i want to purge, but i know how gross it is to purge pasta.
but, actually, maybe i will do it. hmm.
it will make me feel better.
i should do it.
but i shouldnt.
okay, let's map this out.
K "i shouldn't purge because it doesn't make me lose weight anyway, and David will be upset"
ED "it will make you feel better"
K "it'll put bags under my eyes and make me feel like shit, and i will feel shitter if i fail at it."
ED "yes but it will empty your stomach and you won't feel so full"
K "it'll go away soon"
ED "why not get rid of it now?"
K "that's counterproductive. i'm trying to get rid of bulimia. and i've been doing so well at it"
ED "it's only one time. come on, do it, it'll be quick and painless"
K "i'll get addicted, and i won't be able to stop again. i'll start binging and purging all the time. the first time i tried i told myself i'd do it occasionally but it turned into every day. i GAINED weight. this is no way to go"
ED "you can have control this time. just purge when you are forced to eat, starve the rest of the time"
K "how about i just start dieting after exams. it's too distracting now"
ED "you're always dieting anyway. if you don't diet you'll binge, and feel crap, and not be able to do exams. just fucking purge already!"
K "it can't be too bad"
ED "yeah, you know you want to do it"
K "just this once? you promise?"
ED "just this once! it'll be fine. i promise you. and you'll feel better"
K "okay."
looks like i failed on this one.
off to shower.
EDIT:
ED "told you it'd make you feel better ;)"
i was productive up until mid day, which is extremely good for me.
i think and hope i can get a reasonable mark on my exams on wednesday.
otherwise, today was shit.
i ate too much, as i sit here i want to purge, but i know how gross it is to purge pasta.
but, actually, maybe i will do it. hmm.
it will make me feel better.
i should do it.
but i shouldnt.
okay, let's map this out.
K "i shouldn't purge because it doesn't make me lose weight anyway, and David will be upset"
ED "it will make you feel better"
K "it'll put bags under my eyes and make me feel like shit, and i will feel shitter if i fail at it."
ED "yes but it will empty your stomach and you won't feel so full"
K "it'll go away soon"
ED "why not get rid of it now?"
K "that's counterproductive. i'm trying to get rid of bulimia. and i've been doing so well at it"
ED "it's only one time. come on, do it, it'll be quick and painless"
K "i'll get addicted, and i won't be able to stop again. i'll start binging and purging all the time. the first time i tried i told myself i'd do it occasionally but it turned into every day. i GAINED weight. this is no way to go"
ED "you can have control this time. just purge when you are forced to eat, starve the rest of the time"
K "how about i just start dieting after exams. it's too distracting now"
ED "you're always dieting anyway. if you don't diet you'll binge, and feel crap, and not be able to do exams. just fucking purge already!"
K "it can't be too bad"
ED "yeah, you know you want to do it"
K "just this once? you promise?"
ED "just this once! it'll be fine. i promise you. and you'll feel better"
K "okay."
looks like i failed on this one.
off to shower.
EDIT:
ED "told you it'd make you feel better ;)"
Friday, November 6, 2009
insight
i noticed i have a couple of new followers... and i think it may be because i'm following a blog called "quest for perfection". the writer intrigues me, reminds me somewhat of myself, and it makes me feel less alone in my struggles to read other people's struggles too.
people are entitled to follow me as they please (hey, i've never had followers before this blog, hehe), but i just want everyone to know that i'm not 'pro-ana', as in, i don't like to encourage the anorexia 'lifestyle' and urge people to starve, throw up, take laxatives, overexercise etc. to get thin. i recognise that it is a mental illness, i also recognise that people can 'choose' it, somehow... i did, i guess (big mistakey)... but just don't read me for tips and tricks and thinspo.
any thinspo that i look at is for my eyes only, not for this blog. this blog is just my journey.
Okay all said and done :)
i was reading a blog i've joined called "trying to save her life", its written by a boy who's girlfriend has got an eating disorder. (funnily enough, his girlfriend writes the blog i mentioned before).
i love this, because i rarely get to see the thoughts of my boy in relation to what i do.
i know he hated the throwing up, and hates the starving, but, as with any average boy, he has a hard time expressing his emotions.
so this blog is providing me with some insight into the boy's mind. the link to the blog is on the side bar under 'blogs i like' if you want to check it out.
anyway. he's just started out and in his second entry he mentioned that he cried himself to sleep one night after she told him she threw up.
this is really confronting for me... i usually try to forget that the boy ever did/does that when he's upset. the fact such a trivial action to me, throwing up, could have such a HUGE impact on someone that loves me, is hard to deal with and think about.
i hate upsetting him. and this was motivation enough to end my bulimic behaviours, which have been rare in the past month. i just hope that my recent endeavour to lose weight AGAIN doesn't upset him as much :(
people are entitled to follow me as they please (hey, i've never had followers before this blog, hehe), but i just want everyone to know that i'm not 'pro-ana', as in, i don't like to encourage the anorexia 'lifestyle' and urge people to starve, throw up, take laxatives, overexercise etc. to get thin. i recognise that it is a mental illness, i also recognise that people can 'choose' it, somehow... i did, i guess (big mistakey)... but just don't read me for tips and tricks and thinspo.
any thinspo that i look at is for my eyes only, not for this blog. this blog is just my journey.
Okay all said and done :)
i was reading a blog i've joined called "trying to save her life", its written by a boy who's girlfriend has got an eating disorder. (funnily enough, his girlfriend writes the blog i mentioned before).
i love this, because i rarely get to see the thoughts of my boy in relation to what i do.
i know he hated the throwing up, and hates the starving, but, as with any average boy, he has a hard time expressing his emotions.
so this blog is providing me with some insight into the boy's mind. the link to the blog is on the side bar under 'blogs i like' if you want to check it out.
anyway. he's just started out and in his second entry he mentioned that he cried himself to sleep one night after she told him she threw up.
this is really confronting for me... i usually try to forget that the boy ever did/does that when he's upset. the fact such a trivial action to me, throwing up, could have such a HUGE impact on someone that loves me, is hard to deal with and think about.
i hate upsetting him. and this was motivation enough to end my bulimic behaviours, which have been rare in the past month. i just hope that my recent endeavour to lose weight AGAIN doesn't upset him as much :(
Thursday, November 5, 2009
choices
i had a choice yesterday. i could either go to the gym, or i could attend a lecture for my exam next week.
i chose the lecture.
i didn't regret it.
today i chose to go to the gym instead of study.
i didn't regret it.
i did an hour step class which almost killed me. and certainly burnt the minimal calories i ate today.
*sigh* counterproductive.
my psych is NEVER going to let me live this down.
she's going to be so dissapointed.
the boy once told me i had to choose between him and my eating disorder.
i told him it wasn't that simple.
is it really possible to choose both?
my ed is like a rival guy for him.
ED VS. MY BOY.
they both compete.
but to me, it's not like that. to me, i can have both.
the boy just had to deal, because its a part of me.
i can't be happy if i hate my body.
i told him on the phone that i have back fat.
he sounded angry.
but my back fat is disgusting.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
thin
lisalisa asked me a question on my last blog.
Is there anything else (healthy) in your life that gives you the same sense of satisfaction and control?
no. never.
and it's never really been about control for me.
well, kind of, at the start. but it was also about weight and food.
it's still about weight and food.
call me wanna-rexic, whatever, thats just how it is for me.
i want to lose weight. i want to be thin. that's all it's ever been for me.
i want collarbones, hipbones, cheekbones, wrist bones, shoulder bones...
thats all i ever wanted, and it's still what i want.
and i am SO glad i threw out lasagne again tonight.
mum just came in and lectured me about study. AGAIN. fucking hell why won't she just leave me alone? she thinks i should be getting 99% for fucking everything. well i'm not that fucking smart!
i hate the expectations i have to live up to. it's moments like these that i get so angry that i skip meals. and i always get really upset when she does it after dinner, so i cant skip it. it makes me feel helpless.
i rebel by not eating, and get thinner at the same time.
maybe it isn't always about food..
i'd be cutting too, if it wasn't for the boy. everytime i used to cut myself, it'd be like cutting him twice as deep.
as long as i'm with him, i don't cut.
i'm over six months free of self harm now.
i still have scars on my hands, arms, and most of all on my legs (which i never show anyway). tough reminder.
i know i'd go back to cutting the second the boy ever breaks up with me.
he keeps me alive.
Monday, November 2, 2009
going backwards
i'll be the first to admit that i am absolutely ADDICTED to "thinspiration".
i could look at it for hours.
i also look at my pictures when i was down to 46kg... but its not as good as those thinspiration girls.
this was my lowest weight ... and i didnt even look that skinny!!
my ultimate goal weight was 45kg, and i only ever got down to 46kg.
i ate around 800 calories a day! which is the highest i ever restricted to (usual was up to 300)
and i got to my lowest weight ever.
i want to post pictures of myself when i get to 45. i didnt take enough when i was at 46 :(
i can never let go of the 45kg goal. ever. no matter how much i try to recover, i just cannot forget about it! it lingers in my mind. it escaped from me.. JUST... and i always want it back. i was so close.
i began my journey back down to 45 yesterday. im restricting to 1000 calories and exercising at least 200 off (hopefully) each day.
it will be slower than before, but i WANT it so bad. i will have to wait, but it will be worth it. and ill be just that little bit healthier.
i threw out lasagne today, ate 1/4 for dinner and threw the other 3/4 of my piece away, because my parents weren't home for dinner. i felt powerful. i felt strong.
i exercised 450 calories off today. it felt the same.
i wonder how long i have to go?...
this is so counterproductive... i dont know if i should post here anymore. this blog was supposed to be positive. i dont want to be another anorexia food-tracking blog...
hmm.
i spose this is my journey.
i could look at it for hours.
i also look at my pictures when i was down to 46kg... but its not as good as those thinspiration girls.
this was my lowest weight ... and i didnt even look that skinny!!
my ultimate goal weight was 45kg, and i only ever got down to 46kg.
i ate around 800 calories a day! which is the highest i ever restricted to (usual was up to 300)
and i got to my lowest weight ever.
i want to post pictures of myself when i get to 45. i didnt take enough when i was at 46 :(
i can never let go of the 45kg goal. ever. no matter how much i try to recover, i just cannot forget about it! it lingers in my mind. it escaped from me.. JUST... and i always want it back. i was so close.
i began my journey back down to 45 yesterday. im restricting to 1000 calories and exercising at least 200 off (hopefully) each day.
it will be slower than before, but i WANT it so bad. i will have to wait, but it will be worth it. and ill be just that little bit healthier.
i threw out lasagne today, ate 1/4 for dinner and threw the other 3/4 of my piece away, because my parents weren't home for dinner. i felt powerful. i felt strong.
i exercised 450 calories off today. it felt the same.
i wonder how long i have to go?...
this is so counterproductive... i dont know if i should post here anymore. this blog was supposed to be positive. i dont want to be another anorexia food-tracking blog...
hmm.
i spose this is my journey.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
photographic view
i HATE photographs.
i just came to decide that today, after looking at my valedictory photos from a week ago.
so there i was, drinking, dancing, having fun in my sexy black dress.
NOT knowing, since no one bothered to tell me, that i had FAT hanging out everywhere!
fucking fat! my dress was tight and black, so my "little bit of a tummy", as mum calls it, was bloating out further than my boobs!
and you know what the most terrible thing is?
i was wearing fat pants! those underwear that suck in your tummy.
but no, even the smallest size would not contain my junk. my food baby. whatever.
and it shows in all the photos.
here i go trying to upload some pics onto facebook and boom, fat attack!
im reconsidering, i dont think im going to upload these photos.
i have been eating so much SHIT lately, because im in exam mode.
study study, stress stress, albert (my soon-to-be-abortion-if-it-actually-exists) albert... = mi goreng, noodles, chocolate, nutella, crap crap crap
= ME BEING FAT.
ive had it with my body.
i wouldnt take my jumper off infront of the boy, which is a real indicator that i am overboard.
even on my fattest days i can be comfortable around him. but not now. im a fucking whale.
on november 13th, the last day of my exams, i finish school for ever.
and also, i quit being fat forever.
hours of gymming, water and hunger are in store for my near future.
that's what my tarrot cards would say if they made them for disordered eaters.
and ultimate sadness but also satisfaction will result.
I can't wait to be miserable, malnourished and depressed again.
I'm even worse without it. I'm nothing without it.
i just came to decide that today, after looking at my valedictory photos from a week ago.
so there i was, drinking, dancing, having fun in my sexy black dress.
NOT knowing, since no one bothered to tell me, that i had FAT hanging out everywhere!
fucking fat! my dress was tight and black, so my "little bit of a tummy", as mum calls it, was bloating out further than my boobs!
and you know what the most terrible thing is?
i was wearing fat pants! those underwear that suck in your tummy.
but no, even the smallest size would not contain my junk. my food baby. whatever.
and it shows in all the photos.
here i go trying to upload some pics onto facebook and boom, fat attack!
im reconsidering, i dont think im going to upload these photos.
i have been eating so much SHIT lately, because im in exam mode.
study study, stress stress, albert (my soon-to-be-abortion-if-it-actually-exists) albert... = mi goreng, noodles, chocolate, nutella, crap crap crap
= ME BEING FAT.
ive had it with my body.
i wouldnt take my jumper off infront of the boy, which is a real indicator that i am overboard.
even on my fattest days i can be comfortable around him. but not now. im a fucking whale.
on november 13th, the last day of my exams, i finish school for ever.
and also, i quit being fat forever.
hours of gymming, water and hunger are in store for my near future.
that's what my tarrot cards would say if they made them for disordered eaters.
and ultimate sadness but also satisfaction will result.
I can't wait to be miserable, malnourished and depressed again.
I'm even worse without it. I'm nothing without it.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
jumbled
i realised i forgot to add labels to my entry yesterday.
that's my perfectionist side talking.
i have a lot on my mind.
it's going to take a lot of training to write blog entries about ONE OR TWO things, because i always think too much.
first thing i want to bring up is my anxiety about writing this blog.
i've had some fair negative experiences in the ED world. the few communities i've been a part of that are supposed to "support" me in my recovery ... well, lets just say that the ED world is prejudice, and nasty.
for example, apparently i'm not allowed to personalise my ED and name it.
also, i'm not allowed to say that 300 calories is a binge.
i'm not allowed to say that i want to be thin, and thats the cause of my disorder.
just a few things i want to get some perspective on.
here's my two cents:
- i'm allowed to call my ED whatever the hell i want. if i want to call her 'ana' or
Ed, or Katrina, and you want to call me 'wannarexic', then go nuts, starvation is obviously driving you to bitch-hood. for everyone's information, detatching an eating disorder so that it is separate from the body is a very effective way of getting rid of it.
- 300 calories may seem HUGE to anyone! you can't call it eating 'normally'. no one eats normally. and eating 300 calories in lightening speed and then feeling guilty afterwards could definately be classified as a binge. a short one, but a binge. (look up the definition)
- now the thinness.. is not something im sure about. i KNOW i want to be thin, and thats what drove me into this. but apparently eating disorders arent about being thin... i dont really know what to think.
classifications and definitions and standards... are all bitches.
second thing thats weighing on my mind is recovery.
one thing i'm certain of, is that i HATE the bulimic side of my ED. that's the only reason i went for self-recovery. because i hated the binging and purging. plus, it was making me fat.
but now i'm being 'strong', and i've cut off bulimia for a while now ( two weeks haha)... i dont seem to want to get rid of the controlling, perfectionist, anorexic side of my ED.
thoughts about the monster, and my lack of a substaining lunch today.. just seem appealing, rather than revolting. 1200 calories seems massive to me right now. yet its supposed to be my minimum intake.
oops, times up. school is looming ahead.
this blog will be continued, with more about depression and lack of wanting to do stuff.
that's my perfectionist side talking.
i have a lot on my mind.
it's going to take a lot of training to write blog entries about ONE OR TWO things, because i always think too much.
first thing i want to bring up is my anxiety about writing this blog.
i've had some fair negative experiences in the ED world. the few communities i've been a part of that are supposed to "support" me in my recovery ... well, lets just say that the ED world is prejudice, and nasty.
for example, apparently i'm not allowed to personalise my ED and name it.
also, i'm not allowed to say that 300 calories is a binge.
i'm not allowed to say that i want to be thin, and thats the cause of my disorder.
just a few things i want to get some perspective on.
here's my two cents:
- i'm allowed to call my ED whatever the hell i want. if i want to call her 'ana' or
Ed, or Katrina, and you want to call me 'wannarexic', then go nuts, starvation is obviously driving you to bitch-hood. for everyone's information, detatching an eating disorder so that it is separate from the body is a very effective way of getting rid of it.
- 300 calories may seem HUGE to anyone! you can't call it eating 'normally'. no one eats normally. and eating 300 calories in lightening speed and then feeling guilty afterwards could definately be classified as a binge. a short one, but a binge. (look up the definition)
- now the thinness.. is not something im sure about. i KNOW i want to be thin, and thats what drove me into this. but apparently eating disorders arent about being thin... i dont really know what to think.
classifications and definitions and standards... are all bitches.
second thing thats weighing on my mind is recovery.
one thing i'm certain of, is that i HATE the bulimic side of my ED. that's the only reason i went for self-recovery. because i hated the binging and purging. plus, it was making me fat.
but now i'm being 'strong', and i've cut off bulimia for a while now ( two weeks haha)... i dont seem to want to get rid of the controlling, perfectionist, anorexic side of my ED.
thoughts about the monster, and my lack of a substaining lunch today.. just seem appealing, rather than revolting. 1200 calories seems massive to me right now. yet its supposed to be my minimum intake.
oops, times up. school is looming ahead.
this blog will be continued, with more about depression and lack of wanting to do stuff.
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