sick

moved to www.methroughtheglass.wordpress.com 

wow.
i only just realised how shit i feel right now.
every time i come to that realisation, it seems to be even worse.
ive hit rock bottom so many times, im wondering how deep this hole can get.

i tried to cut the other night.
i threw up intentionally because i felt bad for this guy ive been screwing around.
i went to buy razors. thankfully, there were none at safeway.

ive been taking diet pills, even though ive hardly been eating.
im happy with the way the weight is dropping off.
i try to avoid food.
i know EXACTLY what im doing to myself, and i cant stop.

i'm fucked. i fucking need to see my psych right now, see if she thinks i can up my dose of Lovan.
i cant take life right now.

i feel sick.

coping

I have never been too good with coping in the right way.
my mentor at Reach once asked me how i cope with stress... i thought about for a minute, and then i said 'I don't.'

I really don't know how to cope.
And right now, in the midst of my breakup, it's really showing.

Here are some coping mechanisms I have been using:

• Stealing - I've stolen quite a bit from various stores to compensate for lack of money... and the feeling of the rush, and 'hell, i can do whatever i want'
• Losing weight - yeah i haven't been eating much, but not really on purpose... just because i've been feeling so shit
• Drugs - in the absence of alcohol, i smoked a joint because I felt like it
• Alcohol - that's a massive one for me. most of the time I'm looking forward to the weekend because I just want to get absolutely fucked off my face
• Hook ups - kissing a lot of different people is really fun and awesome :D

it makes me feel so good at the time... but when i think about all this shit later... i feel so bad about myself.

The worst thing is, the last thing on the list has backfired.

All the other things don't directly affect anyone... but I became involved with one of the guys I hooked up with... and, i feel so bad, because he's so innocent and i know i'm just using him to cope... not because i really want him :(

i've fucked up so bad.

im sposed to stay at his house on sunday, but i explained everything to him and i've decided im gonna go home after the party instead of going to his. i'm such a horrible person for this, now i'm going to fix it.

i have to cope on my own.

at least i havent had the urge to self-harm... thats a definite upside.

hiding

so, wow. what a weekend.

SOUNDWAVE. i threw myself into a circle pit and got kicked in the head.
moshed a lot, crowd surfed, smoked some weed and got my heart ripped out of my chest.

he hates my guys, totally hates me.

and as a reaction.
SATURDAY. got so drunk that i kissed like, five people at once. a lot. and, wow.
i screwed over a really decent guy, and screwed myself over too.
oh, and i didnt think there was any of my dignity left, but turns out there was, because i lost more of it.

i am totally, totally lost.
i'm hiding beneath this wild crazy side, whereas im actually hurting a lot.
i NEED to feel closeness. i NEED love from people.

i'm saying it loud, i need you.

jgzkjf.kgr

i have the feeling my body is trying to block out the pain im feeling.

im feeling blank all the time.

i saw the boy yesterday and it was like scratching at an open wound.
and then two seconds later i was fine.

im so messed up.

struggle

i'm struggling, a lot.
i havent written anything in my diary, i've been afraid to fall asleep, my room looks like a war zone and im anxious any time im by myself.

he told me we shouldnt talk, so he can get over me and it will be for the best.
but i miss him.
i cant stand it.

safety

thank you for all your comments... it feels good to have support.

i'm still feeling really low, not about ED but about everything else.

it sucks, that this blog has become so much about my ED.

because theres so much more going on.

i'm on the brink of a break up which i need to initiate.

me and boy have been together over 3 years, but i feel like i cant be myself around him. he wants me to stop everything, stop being self conscious, stop getting drunk at parties (come on, everyone does! this weekend was the first time ive been destructive with alcohol), stop hanging with my guy friends... hes holding me back. and i cant make him happy anymore. hes always upset because i always do something 'wrong'.

i feel really confused and scared and guilty about all this, but it needs to be done.

this is so HUGE for me to do... because i wont have protection from him anymore.

and im risking everything. half of me wants to stay and half of me has had enough of the boy i love so much. :(

yesterday i decided i didnt want to be home by myself, or around my family by myself, so i went to the gym to release some endorphins... it worked a bit, thank god. and i set to work finding people to see me for the next week, every day. haha.

as of now, three lovely girls are sleeping in my bed.

they dont know how much they saved me last night.

they dont know im writing this, becuase theyre half asleep.

they dont know whats going on in my head.

but they saved me.

ill be okay for now, ive got another friend picking me up in a couple of hours :)

love you all

x

?

i'm at a bigger dead end than i was last time i took a break from blogging.

i've been drunk for the past 2 days.

i'm fucked.
fuck.

i'm lost.

and i'm really, really scared.

losing it

whenever i'm lost in the moment of rush it's hard for me to identify my emotions.
i don't pay attention to myself much.
but now that i'm alone and left to think, i've recognised that i'm really unhappy.

i'm still depressed.

i'm taking Lovan at the moment. it's Fluoxetine, like Prozac, and its freaking not working!!
last year i was feeling great on it, but things just went downhill.

i'm sick of feeling so shit about life.
about my stupid body.
about my boyfriend.
ugh.

i just want to feel happy about stuff!
i want to have aims and goals that dont have to do with weight
i want to feel secure with myself around other people
i'm sick of hiding within myself.
i'm miserable.

i don't feel like seeing anybody.

i feel like no one wants to be with me, but i guess i dont blame them.
i'm shit to be around.
but still, it'd be nice to have some friends who like my company.

fuck everybody.

finishing a book

as much as i love books,
they leave me feeling hollow inside.

they allow me to escape to another place, another reality,
and i get so absorbed that i forget my own troubles.
it's only when i lift my head up, that i am snapped back in to reality.

it's a strange sensation, being sucked out of the middle of a book.
like one of those dreams where you wake up from falling.
it's as if i've been toppled upside down,
and then dragged headfirst out of a whirlpool of water that is sucking me in towards the pages.
it's a shock, a jerk movement, whiplash.

but that's okay, because i know that i can sink comfortably back into the water without noticing.
when you're in the middle of a book, or a series, it's easy to do.
i remember when the new Harry Potter books were coming out. It was so easy to wait, because i knew more was coming.

finishing a book, or rather, a series, is a whole different story.

the characters, the ones you've known and loved throughout the whole series, suddenly disappear.
actually, worse. they continue on without me.
and i am left behind.
it's just not the same, going back to the start,
because it's been so long and exhausting, that both the characters, and myself, have changed throughout the books.
and so, i've just been on this whole journey with you, and now you're leaving me?
i've gotten so immersed in your magical story life,
lived vicariously through you.. loved, hated, cried and laughed with you,
felt you.
and now you're moving on.
sure, i have to accept that...
but its painful.
no, not even painful...

it leaves me hollow.
empty.

and i want to go back to the start, repeat the journey again,
but i know what's coming for me, as it's still aching in my heart.
only when in feel alive again, will i read again,
forgetting, until the time comes, this raw feeling that comes with finishing a book.

compulsion

I NEED TO STARVE!!!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
gksadfjhg;sjdfhbsfivgas'figh'afsbvaf
dfhbsfdfakjgba/kjfdsg
hsftghfakjdg/kfjdsg
ygthrtjhwrtjhwrtjhwrtjafjgakdf
wrjthafdjgak/lfj/af
rtjhwsrtttttttthjwrtjhwrtafjga

I MISS THIS!!!

i never hated my boobs,

but i miss having almost none. :(

i miss fitting into those shorts, i cant even do them up anymore :(

i miss lying in bed knocking my hip bones :(

i miss my almost flat stomach

(because it will never be flat, not without liposuction, which i plan to get in the future)

i miss having skinny arms! :(

i miss my ribs

i miss having no hips :(

i miss feeling beautiful.

at least, beautiful enough to go out in public and take care of what was left of my body.

i fucking HATE my life!!

i just want to be skinny again!!!

i am so digusting.

mental holiday

i'll be taking a break from the blogging world for a while.

i feel empty, despite his efforts, and mine.

and i can't bear to write, let alone think.

maybe the next drunken week at Schoolies will put my mind at ease.

so long, for now.. and take care.

love, Katie.

lost

i don't know where to turn. where to go.
i can't run.
i can't hide.

everywhere is a dead end.

words can't describe how i'm feeling.
me and the boy are hanging by a thread.
and it's all up to me to strengthen it.

i can't bear to lose him.

we fought the other night.
i made him take me back to his.
he got me a separate doona cover.
he said it was 'wrong' for me to stay at his.
the two covers were the worst.
it hurt, more than anything... more than him telling me that i couldn't have been drunk enough to not notice a kiss coming.

there are so many things i'd take back in a second.
that night, the kiss. the other sunday when i did what i said i would NEVER do, i hit him in the balls.
it was trivial, but a massive blow to US.
these two moments mentally sever me.. to bits..

only now have i realised it not only hurts HIM to be with me, but it also hurts me.
because i hate myself so much for hurting him, yet it would hurt him more if i punished myself.

it hurts me to live with what i have done.

yet it would hurt much more to be separated from the one i love.
that's where the cutting comes in. it would help me deal with the pain of living with myself while i'm still with him. but then i'd have to live with the hurt i cause by doing that.

life is a tedious, vicious cycle.

i'm dangerously lost in it. the boy is the only one i can turn to in such a mess, even though it revolves around him.

all these thoughts would hurt him too.

we made love last night, first time since our fight.
i felt like crying afterwards.

i have ruined us.
we'll never be the same.

i am in so much pain, i don't know what to do anymore.

falling apart

i am miserable.
i have only lost half a kilo this week.
i'm not used to such slow loss!
its killing me.
i'm being urged to go lower in caloric take by my own mind.
i know i shouldn't, but i NEED those numbers to go lower.

i'm such a fat lard.

i called my boyfriend today and told him that i felt like cutting.
if i didn't tell him, i would've done it.
i haven't felt so low in a long time.
maybe it's because i re-started my anti-depressants after not taking them for two weeks (i'm that lazy).
but maybe it's just because i'm a fat lard.

i am miserable.

inadequate

i'm feeling quite low right now.
in the midst of extremely confusing circumstances.

my two friends have started dating. and my chick friend is the most stunning beautiful girl on the planet. and she's skinny without even trying. and she's not a bitch. and she's just all-round perfect.

i'm not jealous, so it took me a while to figure out why i felt so low and confused, and ate nutella and peanut butter... dead giveaway that something is wrong.

i think... its because she's so beautiful.
i just want to be like her.
now whenever i hang with my guy friend i'm going to be more self conscious because he's been with a girl with an amazing body, when im just a blob of fat. i know it doesnt matter to him and he thinks i'm perfect the way i am, but i can't help but think he'll compare me to her now.

i feel inadequate.
i should be working harder to be gorgeous and skinny for my boy, so he doesnt have to fuck a wobbly bag of lard. instead he should be admiring my toned, slim figure.

WELL, WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?

I. WANT. THIS. SO. FUCKING. BAD!

it's times like these i wish my boy didn't mind me cutting. i need him right now, and he isn't here. i want to feel the sting, reminding me of what i've yet to accomplish.

looking like i do, i'm not worthy of anyone.

paranoia

so i havent' had my period yet. it's 4 days late exactly.
and im freaking out.

instead of studying this week, i've been googling pregnancy, late periods, abortion... everything.
this may be a touchy subject, but ive also been looking at self-induced miscarriage.
im really, really desperate.
and ive been punching my stomach all morning.
i havent even taken a test yet!
and i might just be stressed.
im such a dick.
meh.

hm well today i looked at my feet and they looked really fat.
it was a strange illusion.
ive been feeling so shit about my body.
the scale yesterday said 56. 56!!! i havent been 56 since year 8. i almost cried.
but i have to push this aside until exams are over.
18 days and i can start exercising and restricting again.
i cant stay like this.
i feel like crap.
i wouldnt even take off my jumper today despite the heat.
ugh.
i know this is counter-recovery thinking but.... well, there's really no excuse.
me = fail.

the stages of grief

Today, over Facebook, I found out my Teta (Grandma in Arabic) died last night.
My initial reaction was shock.
Then disbelief.
Then I called my mum (who is in Egypt) to see if she was okay.
Then I broke down.

Now, 6 hours later I sit here with a sliced up apple and a tub of light crunchy peanut butter (hey, my current binge food of choice could be worse) wondering. "why do I feel so shit?"

I'm a fan of self-exploration. When something is wrong, I don't necessarily need to fix it, but i need to understand it. And that's when I googled the stages of grief.
Here's how I'm at. (I went through quite quickly)..

Stage 1 -Denial/Isolation/Shock
I think this stage was mostly shock for me. Considering I found out over a Facebook status update, this was fairly predictable. This lasted about 10 minutes.


Stage 2 -Anger
I don't think I was very angry. I was more disappointed at the fact that this had to happen now, before my year 12 exams, and while not all my aunties and uncles were all together again, gathered around my Teta as a family. Out of 6 siblings including my mum, the last two are currently on a flight over there and will find their Mother dead. Fate is cruel.


Stage 3 -Bargaining
I didn't bargain, as such. I moreso tried to 'justify' it in my own head. She sees us now, from Heaven. Wherever she is, she can see her family. I really hope she can. I want her to see how much they love her.


Stage 4 -Depression/Guilt
This is where I'm at now. The answer to my question. Why do I feel so shit? Because this is a normal part of grief. It's normal to feel depressed. It just so happens that I suffer from depression, so this additional grief can't be good for my seratonin levels. I'm hoping the apple and peanut butter will help.


Stage 5 -Acceptance
I'd say I'm close to acceptance. Or maybe I'm already there. But I still feel depressed, so I can't tell if I've crossed between the two stages, or if I'm still unaccepting of my Teta's death.
I'm thinking the second one, because I'm tearing up right now. This is my cue to leave.

Rest In Peace Suzanne Bale.
Ana Bahebak Awi.
Always.

laziness

you know what's really disgusting?
until this morning, i hadn't showered for 5 days because I'd been too depressed.
i get sooo incredibly lazy when im in a shit mood.

You can tell my depression is getting really bad when
- i dont exercise
- my room gets very messy
- my hair is oily and/or it hasnt been straightened
- i smell (ha ha)
- i wear hoodies in 30 degree heat
- i sleep 24/7
- the kitchen bench and fridge arent spotless (because im a control freak)

mmm. life in the dumps sucks.

anywho, i just finished a 2,500 character essay on "how my mental illness has impacted my VCE"
sureeee was FUN to write.
i feel exhausted just thinking about it. last year was the worst year of my life, let's never remember it ever again. *moment of respectful silence*

on the bright side, i get to see Karen tomorrow :) she's my psychologist, and i adore her.
i'm thinking i'll tell her about how i almost broke down on the weekend because i tried on a t-shirt. ugh. good story that one. its been like, 2 degrees for the past season and suddenly we had a hot day and i was NOT mentally prepared to wear even slighly exposing clothes. the boy gave me a big hug because i got so uptight about it.
i ended up wearing leggings and a hoodie.
now that's more like it.