Reflections on 2009

It's that time of year, where I hop on to myspace to share my life with anyone who gives a fuck. And to tell you the truth, I don't think that includes many at all.

Myspace is shit, but it's my tradition. Facebook is too open, too much family to write an intimate blog post. So now, I will continue this tradition here on this blog, in an unedited version for all except my family and friends to see.

Before I start, here are my previous reflections on Myspace.
2006 (1)

2006

2007

2008
So, here I go.

School - Ah, year 12. Best year ever. Not. This year was intense. We lived in the common room, bitching over the stereo with the other group next to us, and bitching about everyone within our own friendship group. Yes, we girls looove to bitch. It's not surprising though- with all the shit going on it was hard to keep my mouth shut. Highlights of school this year include: My panic attack 5 minutes before my English SAC (because I found out I had to eat that day), the awesome drugged up parties, being left out of stuff a lot, leaning over the toilet bowl and sticking my fingers down my throat, and feeling like a fucking dumb shit. Surprisingly, I came out of the rubble that was year 12 with an ENTER of 90.45. I don't know how I did it, so don't ask. I'm just glad it's over.

Friends - Fuck friends. I was actually going to stop there, but I have more to add on the subject. Yeah, sure, friends are okay. But they aren't there forever. At least not for me. I haven't got best friends anymore, I just don't trust anyone enough. I like the company of certain people, but I find its best not to get too close, because I'll just get hurt, like the billions of times this year. Thanks guys (particularly girls), for ditching me in favour of ecstasy, marijuana and everything that is a lot more fun than me.

Love - Once again, not much to say, except that it's not as simple as I thought it would be. Love is complicated. And when it hurts you, it hurts bad. Another surprise (a lot of surprises in 09) is that the boy is still with me. We already had our first fight of 2010, so I don't think it's going to be for much longer. I don't know what I'll do when he's gone.

Home - Mmm, home. This year was troublesome, what with year 12 going on and all. Mum once again became my worst enemy. And so did my mind. I began to diet and had a semester-long fling with Bulimia, which I'm not proud of and I've pushed that out of my life, for now. Unfortunately, a few anti-depressants and a shrink can't fix everything, and I battled depression and anxiety throughout the year, causing me to be unable to focus on school. It drove my parents insane. All I can say to them is, thanks for putting up with me, no one else would have.

Future - Thanks to my miraculously high ENTER score, I can hopefully achieve my goal of becoming a psychologist. Yeah, shut up, I know it's ironic. But I want to ensure that no child or teenager EVER has to go through what I have for the past two years. I'm extremely pumped to start my six year course at Uni to become a Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychologist, I believe it will be a beginning to an amazing journey of self discovery and knowledge of all things mental.

Not my best piece of writing, but I had 4 hours of sleep last night and I'm not feeling my best. Here's to hoping that 2010 will be at least a better year than 2009.

Love to all.

health at every size + my school results

so, i didn't realise i was so passionate about this issue, until my mum and dad started talking about my uncle and aunt.

they are both obese, and have a very unhealthy lifestyle.

but recently, my uncle especially, has been losing weight healthily by running and eating healthier food.

good on him, i say.

but this isn't what annoyed me.

my mum and dad always rave about how he's doing so well to lose the weight.

lose the weight, lose the weight, lose the weight.

ugh.

so i asked mum why they had the lose weight,

and mum went on a rant about how fat = unhealthy and to be healthy you have to be at a 'normal' weight.

this made me really angry, and i brought up health at every size.

mum said it was bullshit.

then i got more angry, because she was all like 'if you're fat you're unhealthy, it doesn't matter if you eat healthy, you're still fat which means unhealthy'.

i just dont know what to say to that.

sure, i know that diabetics lose weight to get healthy, and sure, there's nothing wrong with people with health problems being told to lose weight... but, the mentality is that FAT = UNHEALTHY.

even if the person in question happens to be completely healthy on the inside, if they're fat, they're automatically considered unhealthy because of those bad connotations.

ugh. it just pissed me off more than i thought it would.

my parents are so closed minded.

however, i have some good news. :)

yesterday morning at 7am, i received my ENTER. 

for those of you who don't know what that is, in Victoria Australia, the ENTER is a ranking of academic performance up to 100.

i needed 87 to get into my dream course - Psychology at Deakin Uni.

i was expecting about an 80 - 85, what with my depression/anxiety/ED/grandma dying etc.

but to my pleasant surprise, my score was 90.45

New Car, my parent's undying love and Deakin, here i come!!

tonsilitis

don't you just love being sick?

your head feels like its going to explode.
your throat burns.
it kills to swallow anything.
you snap, you're pissed off.
you feel like dying.

but, on the other hand...
you get looked after.
people make you stuff.
that affectionate pat on the head.
you watch movies,
get out of chores.

and, you have excuses to get out of eating solid food.

jumbled

i realised i forgot to add labels to my entry yesterday.
that's my perfectionist side talking.

i have a lot on my mind.
it's going to take a lot of training to write blog entries about ONE OR TWO things, because i always think too much.

first thing i want to bring up is my anxiety about writing this blog.
i've had some fair negative experiences in the ED world. the few communities i've been a part of that are supposed to "support" me in my recovery ... well, lets just say that the ED world is prejudice, and nasty.
for example, apparently i'm not allowed to personalise my ED and name it.
also, i'm not allowed to say that 300 calories is a binge.
i'm not allowed to say that i want to be thin, and thats the cause of my disorder.
just a few things i want to get some perspective on.
here's my two cents:
- i'm allowed to call my ED whatever the hell i want. if i want to call her 'ana' or
Ed, or Katrina, and you want to call me 'wannarexic', then go nuts, starvation is obviously driving you to bitch-hood. for everyone's information, detatching an eating disorder so that it is separate from the body is a very effective way of getting rid of it.
- 300 calories may seem HUGE to anyone! you can't call it eating 'normally'. no one eats normally. and eating 300 calories in lightening speed and then feeling guilty afterwards could definately be classified as a binge. a short one, but a binge. (look up the definition)
- now the thinness.. is not something im sure about. i KNOW i want to be thin, and thats what drove me into this. but apparently eating disorders arent about being thin... i dont really know what to think.

classifications and definitions and standards... are all bitches.

second thing thats weighing on my mind is recovery.
one thing i'm certain of, is that i HATE the bulimic side of my ED. that's the only reason i went for self-recovery. because i hated the binging and purging. plus, it was making me fat.
but now i'm being 'strong', and i've cut off bulimia for a while now ( two weeks haha)... i dont seem to want to get rid of the controlling, perfectionist, anorexic side of my ED.
thoughts about the monster, and my lack of a substaining lunch today.. just seem appealing, rather than revolting. 1200 calories seems massive to me right now. yet its supposed to be my minimum intake.

oops, times up. school is looming ahead.
this blog will be continued, with more about depression and lack of wanting to do stuff.