safety

thank you for all your comments... it feels good to have support.

i'm still feeling really low, not about ED but about everything else.

it sucks, that this blog has become so much about my ED.

because theres so much more going on.

i'm on the brink of a break up which i need to initiate.

me and boy have been together over 3 years, but i feel like i cant be myself around him. he wants me to stop everything, stop being self conscious, stop getting drunk at parties (come on, everyone does! this weekend was the first time ive been destructive with alcohol), stop hanging with my guy friends... hes holding me back. and i cant make him happy anymore. hes always upset because i always do something 'wrong'.

i feel really confused and scared and guilty about all this, but it needs to be done.

this is so HUGE for me to do... because i wont have protection from him anymore.

and im risking everything. half of me wants to stay and half of me has had enough of the boy i love so much. :(

yesterday i decided i didnt want to be home by myself, or around my family by myself, so i went to the gym to release some endorphins... it worked a bit, thank god. and i set to work finding people to see me for the next week, every day. haha.

as of now, three lovely girls are sleeping in my bed.

they dont know how much they saved me last night.

they dont know im writing this, becuase theyre half asleep.

they dont know whats going on in my head.

but they saved me.

ill be okay for now, ive got another friend picking me up in a couple of hours :)

love you all

x

health at every size + my school results

so, i didn't realise i was so passionate about this issue, until my mum and dad started talking about my uncle and aunt.

they are both obese, and have a very unhealthy lifestyle.

but recently, my uncle especially, has been losing weight healthily by running and eating healthier food.

good on him, i say.

but this isn't what annoyed me.

my mum and dad always rave about how he's doing so well to lose the weight.

lose the weight, lose the weight, lose the weight.

ugh.

so i asked mum why they had the lose weight,

and mum went on a rant about how fat = unhealthy and to be healthy you have to be at a 'normal' weight.

this made me really angry, and i brought up health at every size.

mum said it was bullshit.

then i got more angry, because she was all like 'if you're fat you're unhealthy, it doesn't matter if you eat healthy, you're still fat which means unhealthy'.

i just dont know what to say to that.

sure, i know that diabetics lose weight to get healthy, and sure, there's nothing wrong with people with health problems being told to lose weight... but, the mentality is that FAT = UNHEALTHY.

even if the person in question happens to be completely healthy on the inside, if they're fat, they're automatically considered unhealthy because of those bad connotations.

ugh. it just pissed me off more than i thought it would.

my parents are so closed minded.

however, i have some good news. :)

yesterday morning at 7am, i received my ENTER. 

for those of you who don't know what that is, in Victoria Australia, the ENTER is a ranking of academic performance up to 100.

i needed 87 to get into my dream course - Psychology at Deakin Uni.

i was expecting about an 80 - 85, what with my depression/anxiety/ED/grandma dying etc.

but to my pleasant surprise, my score was 90.45

New Car, my parent's undying love and Deakin, here i come!!

best.day.ever.

last night i got my period.

*BIG SIGH OF RELIEF*

:) so so soooo happy.
except i now have the headaches and stomach cramps and tiredness associated with it.
it took only a few hours to get me complaining about it.
hehe.

english exam went well today.
the prompts were really hard, but i managed.
hopefully i got a good score. *crossed fingers*

i also got to see the boy today :)
i'm falling in love more and more each day. its almost 3 years, and we're hopefully going to the city for new years.
we're going to go out for dinner, which we've NEVER done in our whole relationship! can you believe that? i just think it would be weird, considering my problems.
but hey, im willing to try it. hopefully it will go well.
anyway, im so excited for schoolies. we get our own master bedroom with a spa bath in the ensuite :)
teehee, erotic bubble bath anyone?