mediocrity

i've always had a problem with fitting in.
i was always different, but for the wrong reasons.
i was never noticed.
so i decided to be different in a different way.

i didn't want to be mediocre, normal, blending in.
i hated being overlooked.
i was just your average teen with an average body weight.
i wasn't happy being average.

and you know what? at my lowest weight, i was never underweight, just on the brink.
i wanted so badly to be underweight, because then i would have been different from all my friends.
people still noticed me when i was skinny though.
it pleased me when people would comment on it.
i was finally being noticed for something.
guys were interested in me.
i had so much fun being skinny.
it was definitely the best year of my life.

and now i'm back to mediocre.

the difference is now i'm stronger.
i'm fighting this.

Reflections on 2009

It's that time of year, where I hop on to myspace to share my life with anyone who gives a fuck. And to tell you the truth, I don't think that includes many at all.

Myspace is shit, but it's my tradition. Facebook is too open, too much family to write an intimate blog post. So now, I will continue this tradition here on this blog, in an unedited version for all except my family and friends to see.

Before I start, here are my previous reflections on Myspace.
2006 (1)

2006

2007

2008
So, here I go.

School - Ah, year 12. Best year ever. Not. This year was intense. We lived in the common room, bitching over the stereo with the other group next to us, and bitching about everyone within our own friendship group. Yes, we girls looove to bitch. It's not surprising though- with all the shit going on it was hard to keep my mouth shut. Highlights of school this year include: My panic attack 5 minutes before my English SAC (because I found out I had to eat that day), the awesome drugged up parties, being left out of stuff a lot, leaning over the toilet bowl and sticking my fingers down my throat, and feeling like a fucking dumb shit. Surprisingly, I came out of the rubble that was year 12 with an ENTER of 90.45. I don't know how I did it, so don't ask. I'm just glad it's over.

Friends - Fuck friends. I was actually going to stop there, but I have more to add on the subject. Yeah, sure, friends are okay. But they aren't there forever. At least not for me. I haven't got best friends anymore, I just don't trust anyone enough. I like the company of certain people, but I find its best not to get too close, because I'll just get hurt, like the billions of times this year. Thanks guys (particularly girls), for ditching me in favour of ecstasy, marijuana and everything that is a lot more fun than me.

Love - Once again, not much to say, except that it's not as simple as I thought it would be. Love is complicated. And when it hurts you, it hurts bad. Another surprise (a lot of surprises in 09) is that the boy is still with me. We already had our first fight of 2010, so I don't think it's going to be for much longer. I don't know what I'll do when he's gone.

Home - Mmm, home. This year was troublesome, what with year 12 going on and all. Mum once again became my worst enemy. And so did my mind. I began to diet and had a semester-long fling with Bulimia, which I'm not proud of and I've pushed that out of my life, for now. Unfortunately, a few anti-depressants and a shrink can't fix everything, and I battled depression and anxiety throughout the year, causing me to be unable to focus on school. It drove my parents insane. All I can say to them is, thanks for putting up with me, no one else would have.

Future - Thanks to my miraculously high ENTER score, I can hopefully achieve my goal of becoming a psychologist. Yeah, shut up, I know it's ironic. But I want to ensure that no child or teenager EVER has to go through what I have for the past two years. I'm extremely pumped to start my six year course at Uni to become a Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychologist, I believe it will be a beginning to an amazing journey of self discovery and knowledge of all things mental.

Not my best piece of writing, but I had 4 hours of sleep last night and I'm not feeling my best. Here's to hoping that 2010 will be at least a better year than 2009.

Love to all.

compulsion

I NEED TO STARVE!!!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
gksadfjhg;sjdfhbsfivgas'figh'afsbvaf
dfhbsfdfakjgba/kjfdsg
hsftghfakjdg/kfjdsg
ygthrtjhwrtjhwrtjhwrtjafjgakdf
wrjthafdjgak/lfj/af
rtjhwsrtttttttthjwrtjhwrtafjga

I MISS THIS!!!

i never hated my boobs,

but i miss having almost none. :(

i miss fitting into those shorts, i cant even do them up anymore :(

i miss lying in bed knocking my hip bones :(

i miss my almost flat stomach

(because it will never be flat, not without liposuction, which i plan to get in the future)

i miss having skinny arms! :(

i miss my ribs

i miss having no hips :(

i miss feeling beautiful.

at least, beautiful enough to go out in public and take care of what was left of my body.

i fucking HATE my life!!

i just want to be skinny again!!!

i am so digusting.

life in a box

mmm. packing.

yes that's right.
i'm packing to move into our new house, a la Mt. Eliza.
this is what i see right now...

i'm sitting on my bed an a pile of empty cd covers to my left.
a stack of music and photo cds to my right.
without covers.
a full bin in front of my feet, next to that there is a cd rack with more cds stacked in it and on it, in covers. clothes and pillows in the floor.
cupboard open with things hanging out;
posters, shoeboxes, clothes, softtoys. school bag open.
and my v bottles arranged in a lovely .. love heart shape. on the floor.
and here i am at the back of my room, staring out at my mess.
proud :)

mmm. so there's ultravox playing in the background.
it's a tape. we found tapes :)
and ive got jimmy barnes playing in my laptop.
hahaha funny.
its kinda strange.

i had the weirdest moment before.
you know when your whole life flashes before your eyes just before you die?
yeah well that happened to me, just not before dying lol.
i put in a cd labeled "videos "
and all these clips starting playing nonstop, one after the other.
me and bec singing, me and amber on the couch, my cousins messing around, rolling down a hill in year 8, jimmy on a tree at a swimming carni, asha's party, trying to skid.......

it was crazy.
i was in shock.
seriously i was.

mmm. chyeah well id better get back to packing.
school tomorrow.
this is gonna suck.
i'll hardly see David, i'll have to do homework and spend 99% of my time in school uniform.

if i wasn't taoist i'd be praying to god that this term will go quickly.

'til next time,
boo.

another beginning

so i've decided to start a blog.
LOL.
yay.
i saw it on tom's myspace (http://www.alternativetoanything.tk/)
he's a funny one :)
a very interesting read if you ask me.

i used to write in a blog, a loooong long time ago.
msnspaces. good times (Y)
if your interested in reading that,
go to http://kittykatie.spaces.live.com/
wow.
it's strange reading my old blogs.
i was a fucking stupid naive little girl.
god i could kick my younger self for speaking in tweeny-language.
"lyk OMGZZZ ii'm soo kewl!!!"
stupid teeny fucks.

:)
baaha.
i find it funny that the last blog i posted on there was about how i've switched to myspace.
xD
myspace is go goddamn addictive.
but honestly i'd rather be out somewhere than sitting here on my computer.

aaaand i think that's my cue to leave!
hope to catch you later.
love,
boo.
<3