tonsilitis

don't you just love being sick?

your head feels like its going to explode.
your throat burns.
it kills to swallow anything.
you snap, you're pissed off.
you feel like dying.

but, on the other hand...
you get looked after.
people make you stuff.
that affectionate pat on the head.
you watch movies,
get out of chores.

and, you have excuses to get out of eating solid food.

keeping it together

to reply to liana, i plan on getting fucking wasted when i finish exams on friday :)
infact i've got an 18th that night. :D

now this morning i had to stop myself short.
my goal for today was 600 calories.
but no. i can't let myself fall that easily into starvation mode, so early in my weight loss.
right now, my goal is centred around 1000 calories.
i'm making a rule that i have to keep within 900 -1100 until i get to my first goal, 52kg.
then, i'll decide what happens next.

the urge to starve grips you so easily.
it's not happening fast enough -therefore, i must lower my intake.
ahhh NO. i've got to keep my head.
because i am in control this time.

now to go make myself some lunch :)

porridge and OCD

beginning to think i may actually have OCD.

but only with my eating disorder.

all i think about is food, and being thin, and exercise, and food...

to the point where i HAVE to look at thinspiration, HAVE to read through a whole three year ED blog (sad!) and HAVE to look up weight loss to get me to stop thinking so much about it!

obsessions that lead to compulsions.

that stop me from studying, and doing anything else for that matter.

or are eating disorders just another form of OCD... to do with food?

a final observation:

schoolwork is like porridge in the microwave.

if you leave it alone for ten seconds, it overflows all over the place.

thin

lisalisa asked me a question on my last blog.

 Is there anything else (healthy) in your life that gives you the same sense of satisfaction and control?

no. never.

and it's never really been about control for me.

well, kind of, at the start. but it was also about weight and food.

it's still about weight and food.

call me wanna-rexic, whatever, thats just how it is for me.

i want to lose weight. i want to be thin. that's all it's ever been for me.

i want collarbones, hipbones, cheekbones, wrist bones, shoulder bones... 

thats all i ever wanted, and it's still what i want.

and i am SO glad i threw out lasagne again tonight.

mum just came in and lectured me about study. AGAIN. fucking hell why won't she just leave me alone? she thinks i should be getting 99% for fucking everything. well i'm not that fucking smart!

i hate the expectations i have to live up to. it's moments like these that i get so angry that i skip meals. and i always get really upset when she does it after dinner, so i cant skip it. it makes me feel helpless.

i rebel by not eating, and get thinner at the same time.

maybe it isn't always about food..

i'd be cutting too, if it wasn't for the boy. everytime i used to cut myself, it'd be like cutting him twice as deep.

as long as i'm with him, i don't cut.

i'm over six months free of self harm now.

i still have scars on my hands, arms, and most of all on my legs (which i never show anyway). tough reminder.

i know i'd go back to cutting the second the boy ever breaks up with me.

he keeps me alive.

going backwards

i'll be the first to admit that i am absolutely ADDICTED to "thinspiration".
i could look at it for hours.
i also look at my pictures when i was down to 46kg... but its not as good as those thinspiration girls.
this was my lowest weight ... and i didnt even look that skinny!!

my ultimate goal weight was 45kg, and i only ever got down to 46kg.
i ate around 800 calories a day! which is the highest i ever restricted to (usual was up to 300)
and i got to my lowest weight ever.
i want to post pictures of myself when i get to 45. i didnt take enough when i was at 46 :(

i can never let go of the 45kg goal. ever. no matter how much i try to recover, i just cannot forget about it! it lingers in my mind. it escaped from me.. JUST... and i always want it back. i was so close.

i began my journey back down to 45 yesterday. im restricting to 1000 calories and exercising at least 200 off (hopefully) each day.
it will be slower than before, but i WANT it so bad. i will have to wait, but it will be worth it. and ill be just that little bit healthier.

i threw out lasagne today, ate 1/4 for dinner and threw the other 3/4 of my piece away, because my parents weren't home for dinner. i felt powerful. i felt strong.
i exercised 450 calories off today. it felt the same.
i wonder how long i have to go?...

this is so counterproductive... i dont know if i should post here anymore. this blog was supposed to be positive. i dont want to be another anorexia food-tracking blog...
hmm.
i spose this is my journey.

valedictory diet

a while ago me and my friends came up with a 'valedictory diet', in which no bad food could be eaten in order to get skinny for valedictory.
stupid idea of course.
but my valedictory is in 17 days, and ive begun to restrict back to 1000 calories a day.
i didn't think i could ever restrict again, it was like my body was adjusted to normality.
but, no. i was wrong.
with the stress of my Teta going and the pressure of practice exams i've begun an obsessive journey to weight loss.
it keeps my anxiety at bay, and takes my attention away from things that are bothering me.
i know i shouldnt be doing this but its what i need right now.
and i currently feel disgusted by my body.
and i have a tight fitting, sexy black dress to fit into properly without fat hanging everywhere!
eep.

slipping

hmm. so today was interesting.
did much better than i thought i was going to do at my English 1984 SAC.
Also, i managed to get through my photography class (we had a party) without binging on chocolate so much that i needed to boff, and also, i didnt think too much about eating chocolate.
the main difference was the lack of anxiety. i felt clear, level-headed.
i think i'm getting there.

I did have a moment though.
after school me and mum went shopping to get ingredients for souvlakis and i spent 10 minutes obsessively trying to find the wraps with the lowest amount of calories that were big enough for a souvlaki.
settled on 110 calorie light wraps... i just couldnt go with the ones that were 30 calories more. nope, not me. couldn't stick with the usual souvlaki wraps that were about 210 calories.
but i guess its one compromise for another...
and the chocolate was a step.
but i dont think ive counted calories that obsessively in a while. ive been trying to avoid it, and ive been doing it well. just had a frenzy moment.

oh wellllll
also.. i should confess that i bought a monster energy drink today because I heard it completely demolishes your appetite. and i was going to try it tomorrow.
i don't think i should. i've been doing so well.
i think i'll talk to the boy about it, i shouldn't be thinking this.

nighty night.