laziness

you know what's really disgusting?
until this morning, i hadn't showered for 5 days because I'd been too depressed.
i get sooo incredibly lazy when im in a shit mood.

You can tell my depression is getting really bad when
- i dont exercise
- my room gets very messy
- my hair is oily and/or it hasnt been straightened
- i smell (ha ha)
- i wear hoodies in 30 degree heat
- i sleep 24/7
- the kitchen bench and fridge arent spotless (because im a control freak)

mmm. life in the dumps sucks.

anywho, i just finished a 2,500 character essay on "how my mental illness has impacted my VCE"
sureeee was FUN to write.
i feel exhausted just thinking about it. last year was the worst year of my life, let's never remember it ever again. *moment of respectful silence*

on the bright side, i get to see Karen tomorrow :) she's my psychologist, and i adore her.
i'm thinking i'll tell her about how i almost broke down on the weekend because i tried on a t-shirt. ugh. good story that one. its been like, 2 degrees for the past season and suddenly we had a hot day and i was NOT mentally prepared to wear even slighly exposing clothes. the boy gave me a big hug because i got so uptight about it.
i ended up wearing leggings and a hoodie.
now that's more like it.

jumbled

i realised i forgot to add labels to my entry yesterday.
that's my perfectionist side talking.

i have a lot on my mind.
it's going to take a lot of training to write blog entries about ONE OR TWO things, because i always think too much.

first thing i want to bring up is my anxiety about writing this blog.
i've had some fair negative experiences in the ED world. the few communities i've been a part of that are supposed to "support" me in my recovery ... well, lets just say that the ED world is prejudice, and nasty.
for example, apparently i'm not allowed to personalise my ED and name it.
also, i'm not allowed to say that 300 calories is a binge.
i'm not allowed to say that i want to be thin, and thats the cause of my disorder.
just a few things i want to get some perspective on.
here's my two cents:
- i'm allowed to call my ED whatever the hell i want. if i want to call her 'ana' or
Ed, or Katrina, and you want to call me 'wannarexic', then go nuts, starvation is obviously driving you to bitch-hood. for everyone's information, detatching an eating disorder so that it is separate from the body is a very effective way of getting rid of it.
- 300 calories may seem HUGE to anyone! you can't call it eating 'normally'. no one eats normally. and eating 300 calories in lightening speed and then feeling guilty afterwards could definately be classified as a binge. a short one, but a binge. (look up the definition)
- now the thinness.. is not something im sure about. i KNOW i want to be thin, and thats what drove me into this. but apparently eating disorders arent about being thin... i dont really know what to think.

classifications and definitions and standards... are all bitches.

second thing thats weighing on my mind is recovery.
one thing i'm certain of, is that i HATE the bulimic side of my ED. that's the only reason i went for self-recovery. because i hated the binging and purging. plus, it was making me fat.
but now i'm being 'strong', and i've cut off bulimia for a while now ( two weeks haha)... i dont seem to want to get rid of the controlling, perfectionist, anorexic side of my ED.
thoughts about the monster, and my lack of a substaining lunch today.. just seem appealing, rather than revolting. 1200 calories seems massive to me right now. yet its supposed to be my minimum intake.

oops, times up. school is looming ahead.
this blog will be continued, with more about depression and lack of wanting to do stuff.

slipping

hmm. so today was interesting.
did much better than i thought i was going to do at my English 1984 SAC.
Also, i managed to get through my photography class (we had a party) without binging on chocolate so much that i needed to boff, and also, i didnt think too much about eating chocolate.
the main difference was the lack of anxiety. i felt clear, level-headed.
i think i'm getting there.

I did have a moment though.
after school me and mum went shopping to get ingredients for souvlakis and i spent 10 minutes obsessively trying to find the wraps with the lowest amount of calories that were big enough for a souvlaki.
settled on 110 calorie light wraps... i just couldnt go with the ones that were 30 calories more. nope, not me. couldn't stick with the usual souvlaki wraps that were about 210 calories.
but i guess its one compromise for another...
and the chocolate was a step.
but i dont think ive counted calories that obsessively in a while. ive been trying to avoid it, and ive been doing it well. just had a frenzy moment.

oh wellllll
also.. i should confess that i bought a monster energy drink today because I heard it completely demolishes your appetite. and i was going to try it tomorrow.
i don't think i should. i've been doing so well.
i think i'll talk to the boy about it, i shouldn't be thinking this.

nighty night.

2 down, 3 to go

guess who just finished her final photography SAT?
Oh, you guessed right :)
and that means... no more school-graded photography, ever again!
I am way too tired to be elated right now... but trust me, inside my brain there is a huge smile grin.

anywho.. i just wanted to share my thoughts on last nights dinner.
it was just something strange i observed, that seems to be a pattern for me.
my brother had about a half-palm-sized portion of his hamburger left, and he couldn't finish it.
it looked really incy-wincy to me right then, and I was just like, why dont you eat it? its only two bites.
and then he offered it to me.
and then it seemed like...massive.
and that's when i thought... i don't just see my body size differently, i see food size differently too!
whenever i see someone else eating, say a muesli bar, i'll think its tiny, and they should eat more
but then if i go to eat the same thing, it suddenly seems really big, as in "whoa, half of that will fill me up" type of big.

strange!

i'd like to ask your opinion of this, if you happen to be reading.
am i strange or does this happen to anyone else?

a new beginning

So, i'm beginning my blog journey again.
why?
I've been reading a blog (a retired blog, but an awesome one nonetheless) by Stephanie Quilao (http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/) and it has really inspired me to start blogging again.

i have had many blogs in my lifetime.
Here they are, in order of starting date..
http://kittykatie.spaces.live.com/
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=51078795
http://in-thedeep.livejournal.com/
aaand this one.
(i also had a diaryland.com diary, but i don't think i even used it!)

so yes.. brief introduction on me, if i'm actually going to take this blog thing seriously.

My name is Katie, and i'm 17 years old.
I live in Australia and I go to a private all-girls school, which i absolutely hate! but i'm exactly 60 days away from finishing year 12, which is rather exciting! :)
I've had issues with food and body image since I was 14, and I'm hoping that (as I've seen from many other bloggers) blogging will help me through my journey of overcoming it.

Hoping to meet many people along the way too :)
This should be fun.

life in a box

mmm. packing.

yes that's right.
i'm packing to move into our new house, a la Mt. Eliza.
this is what i see right now...

i'm sitting on my bed an a pile of empty cd covers to my left.
a stack of music and photo cds to my right.
without covers.
a full bin in front of my feet, next to that there is a cd rack with more cds stacked in it and on it, in covers. clothes and pillows in the floor.
cupboard open with things hanging out;
posters, shoeboxes, clothes, softtoys. school bag open.
and my v bottles arranged in a lovely .. love heart shape. on the floor.
and here i am at the back of my room, staring out at my mess.
proud :)

mmm. so there's ultravox playing in the background.
it's a tape. we found tapes :)
and ive got jimmy barnes playing in my laptop.
hahaha funny.
its kinda strange.

i had the weirdest moment before.
you know when your whole life flashes before your eyes just before you die?
yeah well that happened to me, just not before dying lol.
i put in a cd labeled "videos "
and all these clips starting playing nonstop, one after the other.
me and bec singing, me and amber on the couch, my cousins messing around, rolling down a hill in year 8, jimmy on a tree at a swimming carni, asha's party, trying to skid.......

it was crazy.
i was in shock.
seriously i was.

mmm. chyeah well id better get back to packing.
school tomorrow.
this is gonna suck.
i'll hardly see David, i'll have to do homework and spend 99% of my time in school uniform.

if i wasn't taoist i'd be praying to god that this term will go quickly.

'til next time,
boo.

a first problem

i have a problem
i haven't had a problem in about...
a month.
(excluding all the times ive said "i hate the world and the people in it", but that's not really personal.)
this problem is.
and because this is the internet,
you do NOT get the delightful pleasure of hearing me express what this problem actually is.
instead you get to see through my eyes for a bit.
it's not the worst i've written
infact i feel much better than this actually sounds.
that's poetry politics for you.

the feeling is strange
content with life
happyness becomes usual
but i take a nosedive
for once its not image
not looks of my own
its weird to feel something
that i don't really know
familiar with the darkness
caused by something unknown
will bring me back down
to a different kind of low
see through my eyes
a world unkind
stereotypical and stupid
blurring the mind
i'm lost in confusion
am i doing this right
why can't i be like others
withstanding the fight
what i want most
i'm lacking the need
though it feel it in my head
its not there bodily
tensing my jaw
and clenching my fists
i want to hit life's balls
and cut it's wrists
a first problem for me
new persona and all
as ive risen above
now i'll carefully fall.

love,
boo.