i could look at it for hours.
i also look at my pictures when i was down to 46kg... but its not as good as those thinspiration girls.
this was my lowest weight ... and i didnt even look that skinny!!
my ultimate goal weight was 45kg, and i only ever got down to 46kg.
i ate around 800 calories a day! which is the highest i ever restricted to (usual was up to 300)
and i got to my lowest weight ever.
i want to post pictures of myself when i get to 45. i didnt take enough when i was at 46 :(
i can never let go of the 45kg goal. ever. no matter how much i try to recover, i just cannot forget about it! it lingers in my mind. it escaped from me.. JUST... and i always want it back. i was so close.
i began my journey back down to 45 yesterday. im restricting to 1000 calories and exercising at least 200 off (hopefully) each day.
it will be slower than before, but i WANT it so bad. i will have to wait, but it will be worth it. and ill be just that little bit healthier.
i threw out lasagne today, ate 1/4 for dinner and threw the other 3/4 of my piece away, because my parents weren't home for dinner. i felt powerful. i felt strong.
i exercised 450 calories off today. it felt the same.
i wonder how long i have to go?...
this is so counterproductive... i dont know if i should post here anymore. this blog was supposed to be positive. i dont want to be another anorexia food-tracking blog...
hmm.
i spose this is my journey.
1 comment:
dont apologise for what you write here- this is your blog! I always think if people dont like what I write then they dont have to read it :)
Another thought that I had was that even if you are in a really eating disordered place maybe someone who reads your blog could offer support or advice to sort of bring you back to reality, so to speak.
You remind me so much of myself. For years I had this "anorexic ideal" that I felt I had to achieve. I still struggle with thoughts that I never got my weight as low as I wanted it to be. I'm haunted by it.
ButI am haunted by the years I lost in the pursuit of thinness. I was never able to go to college. For years I lived in and out of hospitals and institutions. I cant' escape my negative body image because it has been so ingrained in me, and I fear I am a terrible role model for my girls. I desperately wish I could go back in time to when I was just starting my adult life. I would have built a REAL life, not one based on weight and thinness.
I am not trying to lecture you, just sharing some insights. I certainly cannot judge you, especially over the thinspo. I confess I can get caught up in that when I come across it. And some part of me still wants that.
I know it's hard to see all the bad things about anorexia, especially when it feels so good to lose weight and be thin. Is there anything else (healthy) in your life that gives you the same sense of satisfaction and control?
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