so, my safety blanket is gone.
my boyfriend and i have.. well, as kate lunacy said, gone on 'hiatus'.
we had a massive discussion.... and, well, i dont think i've ever felt so much pain before.
my heart LITERALLY felt like it was being ripped apart.
and i couldnt breathe.
the next night, we had our.. 'last night for while'. as i like to call it.
it was like on of those scenes in a movie where one of the characters go overseas.
music, candles, my new silky nightie (he really likes me wearing nighties), hugging, crying.....
fuck. it was intense.
my eyes were so sore from crying.
took a few days to recover from all the crying actually.
and now i'm numb, and lost.
we're still seeing each other, hanging out... occasionally kissing...
i just dont know what to do in this.
ive never been apart from him.
all the stuff i felt like he was holding me back from...
i just dont want to do anything anymore.
i just want to be with him.
....
however, an extremely good thing has come out of this.
the night we 'broke up', i threw out my blades. all 10 of them, or however many i was keeping just in case this day ever came.
but no, i just threw them away.
the last thing i feel like doing is cutting.
its kind of brilliant.
after holding onto this other safety blanket, my blades, for so long, i've finally let go of them.
i'm extremely proud .
bye for now.
3 comments:
im proud of you too. thats fantastic that you threw them away. i know break ups are hard, you never know what will happen, i always keep an open mind. i remember having one of those movie scenes too. i was leaving to england the next day, we were so madly in love, we had been together for years and there were candles and that save tonight song was on, and it was so true.
save tonight
fight the break of dawn
come tomorrow
tomorrow ill be gone.
so i feel like i can appreiate how difficult this was for you, but you know what we ended up together again years later,a dn right now this is just what is happening for you, and you know deep in your core, your soul knows what was the right decision. trust that voice.
becuase it can help you all along the way.
kia kaha
you're braver than i am. you are a beautiful human being.
As far as your blades are concerned, it's a step in the right direction, good work :)
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