the stages of grief

Today, over Facebook, I found out my Teta (Grandma in Arabic) died last night.
My initial reaction was shock.
Then disbelief.
Then I called my mum (who is in Egypt) to see if she was okay.
Then I broke down.

Now, 6 hours later I sit here with a sliced up apple and a tub of light crunchy peanut butter (hey, my current binge food of choice could be worse) wondering. "why do I feel so shit?"

I'm a fan of self-exploration. When something is wrong, I don't necessarily need to fix it, but i need to understand it. And that's when I googled the stages of grief.
Here's how I'm at. (I went through quite quickly)..

Stage 1 -Denial/Isolation/Shock
I think this stage was mostly shock for me. Considering I found out over a Facebook status update, this was fairly predictable. This lasted about 10 minutes.


Stage 2 -Anger
I don't think I was very angry. I was more disappointed at the fact that this had to happen now, before my year 12 exams, and while not all my aunties and uncles were all together again, gathered around my Teta as a family. Out of 6 siblings including my mum, the last two are currently on a flight over there and will find their Mother dead. Fate is cruel.


Stage 3 -Bargaining
I didn't bargain, as such. I moreso tried to 'justify' it in my own head. She sees us now, from Heaven. Wherever she is, she can see her family. I really hope she can. I want her to see how much they love her.


Stage 4 -Depression/Guilt
This is where I'm at now. The answer to my question. Why do I feel so shit? Because this is a normal part of grief. It's normal to feel depressed. It just so happens that I suffer from depression, so this additional grief can't be good for my seratonin levels. I'm hoping the apple and peanut butter will help.


Stage 5 -Acceptance
I'd say I'm close to acceptance. Or maybe I'm already there. But I still feel depressed, so I can't tell if I've crossed between the two stages, or if I'm still unaccepting of my Teta's death.
I'm thinking the second one, because I'm tearing up right now. This is my cue to leave.

Rest In Peace Suzanne Bale.
Ana Bahebak Awi.
Always.