photographic view

i HATE photographs.
i just came to decide that today, after looking at my valedictory photos from a week ago.

so there i was, drinking, dancing, having fun in my sexy black dress.
NOT knowing, since no one bothered to tell me, that i had FAT hanging out everywhere!
fucking fat! my dress was tight and black, so my "little bit of a tummy", as mum calls it, was bloating out further than my boobs!
and you know what the most terrible thing is?
i was wearing fat pants! those underwear that suck in your tummy.
but no, even the smallest size would not contain my junk. my food baby. whatever.
and it shows in all the photos.
here i go trying to upload some pics onto facebook and boom, fat attack!
im reconsidering, i dont think im going to upload these photos.

i have been eating so much SHIT lately, because im in exam mode.
study study, stress stress, albert (my soon-to-be-abortion-if-it-actually-exists) albert... = mi goreng, noodles, chocolate, nutella, crap crap crap
= ME BEING FAT.

ive had it with my body.
i wouldnt take my jumper off infront of the boy, which is a real indicator that i am overboard.
even on my fattest days i can be comfortable around him. but not now. im a fucking whale.

on november 13th, the last day of my exams, i finish school for ever.
and also, i quit being fat forever.
hours of gymming, water and hunger are in store for my near future.
that's what my tarrot cards would say if they made them for disordered eaters.
and ultimate sadness but also satisfaction will result.

I can't wait to be miserable, malnourished and depressed again.
I'm even worse without it. I'm nothing without it.