i can't fucking eat anymore.
i'm too fucking fat.
at least.. thats what she tells me...
wow, i'm tracking myself. this is a good sign.
here we go.
Me: it'll be okay if i eat some chocolate and some of these fatty cracker things. im way below the normal amount of food anyway, i couldnt have gone above 1000 calories today.
Her: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??????
Me: i'm enjoying this chocolate. it's yum. you didnt let me enjoy chocolate at christmas time.
Her: because your FAT, and nothings changed! you've already gone over the limit today!!
Me: it's okay, everyone has off days.
Her: you can't afford to have off days, you FUCKING idiot, your birthday is in two weeks!
Me: i've lost a kilo already!
Her: one measly kilo, you're not even at your starting weight in year 9 yet. you're fucking fat. on your 18th everyones going to think your a fat cow compared to your 16th. and you wont want to look at the photos, just like after valedictory. you fucking whale.
Me: ...*stumped*.....
Her: good. you're not losing this fast enough, you've got to be at LEAST 52 kilos by your birthday weekend. no more eating.
Me: you're right, it's the only way. breakfast though, it'll keep my metabolism up.
Her: *sigh* you're right i guess. ONE weetbix. your limit is now 100 calories a day.
Me: i can take this. i will be skinny.
Her: yes you can! let's do this, let's get you gorgeous.
...
Me: what will I do about tonight?
Her: just stay up until you get hungry, then you can go to bed. that's the best we can do right now.
Me: ok. starting tomorrow, i'll be strong.
... i can't stop listening.
5 comments:
Hi there Katilexis - thanks for visiting blog and for it info on how to add a blogroll!!! I'll try it now - keep in touch - AImee
I know, it's hard.
Have you read the book "Life without Ed"? I think it would be good for you.
I know it seems easier to listen to the eating disorders voice, but it's also harder in the long run.
You need to trust the voices outside of ED, and I promise, if you were to eat those chocolates, nothing would have happened to you, and you certainly wouldn't have gained weight.
I eat over twice the calories you do, and I'm struggling to maintain my weight!
I'm always behind you, always, for the next week I'm going to have limited internet access because I'm going away, but I'm always behind you.
xx
Sweetheart, look at the figures: if you are AT ALL below normal weight then you are so NOT fat. Surely you want to be vital and healthy, with beautiful skin, hair and eyes? That's what eating well does for you, not make you fat. People don't admire skeletons as much as they love healthy weight bodies. Please try to ignore that ED voice, and instead grab life and live it to the full - it's a gift you have been given, and that voice is trying to make you throw it away. You deserve better than that. Stay strong. Do it for the people you love if not for yourself.
you have captured "the committee meeting" so well. i know this is written about a really difficult struggle. i feel for you, and for all of us who have this meanie in our mind, kia kaha girl. stay strong.
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