lost

i don't know where to turn. where to go.
i can't run.
i can't hide.

everywhere is a dead end.

words can't describe how i'm feeling.
me and the boy are hanging by a thread.
and it's all up to me to strengthen it.

i can't bear to lose him.

we fought the other night.
i made him take me back to his.
he got me a separate doona cover.
he said it was 'wrong' for me to stay at his.
the two covers were the worst.
it hurt, more than anything... more than him telling me that i couldn't have been drunk enough to not notice a kiss coming.

there are so many things i'd take back in a second.
that night, the kiss. the other sunday when i did what i said i would NEVER do, i hit him in the balls.
it was trivial, but a massive blow to US.
these two moments mentally sever me.. to bits..

only now have i realised it not only hurts HIM to be with me, but it also hurts me.
because i hate myself so much for hurting him, yet it would hurt him more if i punished myself.

it hurts me to live with what i have done.

yet it would hurt much more to be separated from the one i love.
that's where the cutting comes in. it would help me deal with the pain of living with myself while i'm still with him. but then i'd have to live with the hurt i cause by doing that.

life is a tedious, vicious cycle.

i'm dangerously lost in it. the boy is the only one i can turn to in such a mess, even though it revolves around him.

all these thoughts would hurt him too.

we made love last night, first time since our fight.
i felt like crying afterwards.

i have ruined us.
we'll never be the same.

i am in so much pain, i don't know what to do anymore.