Is there anything else (healthy) in your life that gives you the same sense of satisfaction and control?
no. never.
and it's never really been about control for me.
well, kind of, at the start. but it was also about weight and food.
it's still about weight and food.
call me wanna-rexic, whatever, thats just how it is for me.
i want to lose weight. i want to be thin. that's all it's ever been for me.
i want collarbones, hipbones, cheekbones, wrist bones, shoulder bones...
thats all i ever wanted, and it's still what i want.
and i am SO glad i threw out lasagne again tonight.
mum just came in and lectured me about study. AGAIN. fucking hell why won't she just leave me alone? she thinks i should be getting 99% for fucking everything. well i'm not that fucking smart!
i hate the expectations i have to live up to. it's moments like these that i get so angry that i skip meals. and i always get really upset when she does it after dinner, so i cant skip it. it makes me feel helpless.
i rebel by not eating, and get thinner at the same time.
maybe it isn't always about food..
i'd be cutting too, if it wasn't for the boy. everytime i used to cut myself, it'd be like cutting him twice as deep.
as long as i'm with him, i don't cut.
i'm over six months free of self harm now.
i still have scars on my hands, arms, and most of all on my legs (which i never show anyway). tough reminder.
i know i'd go back to cutting the second the boy ever breaks up with me.
he keeps me alive.
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